Goodbye Thread

[ahhhyyw]

I will try shallow water blackout in some hours when my family is asleep in my bath tub I will hyperventilate until the water filled the whole bath and then stick my head in the water and if it works I am dead.
If I can't get the swb to work I will wait for the best oppurtunity to use the sn, I will use it in the shower while it is on when my family sleeps to suppress the vomit sounds and hope the shower doesn't wake them up.

My reason for suicide are unwanted thoughts that resulted from abuse, it feels wrong when the brain makes me think stuff that hurts me and I don't have much to loose anyway most people just hurt me.

I will update whether the swb worked or not.

Keep in mind it could take up to august until I ctb but I wanted to make this thread if the swb works.
I will maybe don't do it today but in some days so people I know from this site can respond to the thread before I am dead but I will still try hyperventilating.

Until I manage to ctb I will play some games, I currently play half life alyx with no vr mod.

Special thanks to: @7@vuse99 , @PurpleParadigm , @dimstar , @cami , @90starve , @liljeep , @GasMonkey , @vulkann , @CTB Dream , @MusicEnjoyer:D , @toofargone6969 , @nothingissacred , @dweams , @Kasumi , @heavyeyes , @Kerrtu , @squirley , @_Minsk , @tosch , @Octavia
Sorry if I forgot to mention anyone

You're not the first and not the last person to think that way, why do people not consider running away?
Sure first off it wasn't fun, I was found a town over brough back home, but that started an investigation about my family and landed me in a good spot at the end

 

[HopefulSleep]

You're not the first and not the last person to think that way, why do people not consider running away?
Sure first off it wasn't fun, I was found a town over brough back home, but that started an investigation about my family and landed me in a good spot at the end

Running away won't fix the trauma

 

[ahhhyyw]

Running away won't fix the trauma

I was abused by my parents until the age of 15, I ran away, (I won't repeat what I've said in my previous post)
After I got into the system I never found parents or a family
But I had a purpose, I never wanted anyone to go through the pain I have went through, I found a job (shitty but good enough) got a spot to live (helped by government) and what really seemed like a messed up painting of life, got into therapy, worked through the shit, and started life on a new, blank, slait, sure that life only started at like 19, but who gives a shit about that, I see a shard of myself in you (even though I don't know you) and I know how you may feel, I'm just saying, when you're eating pizza while playing games w friend around you on a Saturday night at 23, you really do think, it does get better sometimes, the problem is, the journey towards that is not an easy one

 

[HopefulSleep]

I was abused by my parents until the age of 15, I ran away, (I won't repeat what I've said in my previous post)
After I got into the system I never found parents or a family
But I had a purpose, I never wanted anyone to go through the pain I have went through, I found a job (shitty but good enough) got a spot to live (helped by government) and what really seemed like a messed up painting of life, got into therapy, worked through the shit, and started life on a new, blank, slait, sure that life only started at like 19, but who gives a shit about that, I see a shard of myself in you (even though I don't know you) and I know how you may feel, I'm just saying, when you're eating pizza while playing games w friend around you on a Saturday night at 23, you really do think, it does get better sometimes, the problem is, the journey towards that is not an easy one

Why should I pit effort in maybe having an ok life instead of just ending this useless existence?
The world won't get better and happy peopoe are a bit delusional to me.

 

[ahhhyyw]

Why should I pit effort in maybe having an ok life instead of just ending this useless existence?
The world won't get better and happy peopoe are a bit delusional to me.

Without an effort you won't see the results
You got dealt a bad hand, but that doesn't mean the game is over
Find pleasure in simple things, like ice cream and videogames

 

[jonward55]

Without an effort you won't see the results
You got dealt a bad hand, but that doesn't mean the game is over
Find pleasure in simple things, like ice cream and videogames

Good for you but for some of us it is just too late.
Only 6 posts from you and you are trying to tell people about how life should be.
Yes we get the point but for some of us it is too late, maybe you could focus more on people in the recovery forum.

 

[ahhhyyw]

Good for you but for some of us it is just too late.
Only 6 posts from you and you are trying to tell people about how life should be.
Yes we get the point but for some of us it is too late, maybe you could focus more on people in the recovery forum.

by your logic the more posts the worse? If it's too late for some of us you're one of them... With 200+ posts?

Fact is, I'm not telling him to not do it etc. I'm telling him to consider running away
Worked for me and the only true reason I did was because I was afraid of what my parents would do to me if they found out I considered suicide, the though was alienating even

I'm not some superhero stopping people from CTB I'm just a guy opening a path for people who should consider it, because at some point I was in a similar place

 

[jonward55]

by your logic the more posts the worse? If it's too late for some of us you're one of them... With 200+ posts?

Fact is, I'm not telling him to not do it etc. I'm telling him to consider running away
Worked for me and the only true reason I did was because I was afraid of what my parents would do to me if they found out I considered suicide, the though was alienating even

I'm not some superhero stopping people from CTB I'm just a guy opening a path for people who should consider it, because at some point I was in a similar place

This isn't a therapy forum, my point is that you shouldn't have joined such a forum with your narrow mindset.
People here, myself included have tried all options and sadly they just don't work for everyone.
We come here in solidarity to speak with likeminded people, if we wanted therapy and other paths then we would seek out other places.
Please simply be mindful that we are here for one reason only and that isn't for therapy and "other people opening paths".

 

[ahhhyyw]

This isn't a therapy forum, my point is that you shouldn't have joined such a forum with your narrow mindset.
People here, myself included have tried all options and sadly they just don't work for everyone.
We come here in solidarity to speak with likeminded people, if we wanted therapy and other paths then we would seek out other places.
Please simply be mindful that we are here for one reason only and that isn't for therapy and "other people opening paths".

a narrow mindset is saying you've tried all paths

 

[jonward55]

a narrow mindset is saying you've tried all paths

We have tried all paths and would prefer to stay clear of the pro-lifers thank you.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I am really pissed my family went to a doctor and they are away for 4 hours now, I could have literally ctb'd in my bed if I knew that
Instead I tried to built a self made lock out of a fork that would barely hold a door shut even thought blocking it with my body is better anyway, I feel dumb
If I survive ctb in that storage room I will be really pissed I missed this oppurtunity
I will do it on monday at circa 1:30pm I am tired

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Just wondering how you are doing now?

 

[HopefulSleep]

Just wondering how you are doing now?

Doing ok I am hyped for death but pissed that I couldn't use the chance

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Doing ok I am hyped for death but pissed that I couldn't use the chance

I have roommates. (Can't afford to live on my own) I'm never alone. Missed an opportunity before covid.
Maybe it was a little after covid started. I don't remember anymore.
There have been a few opportunities in the past but I haven't been able to do it.
It's so hard. I do wish you the best. I'm sorry it's come to this for you.

 

[Keppy]

Hope you can finally find the peace you're chasing soon.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I could also ctb next friday, my family goes to another family, I looked at google maps they would need to drive 30 minutes to be there so that makes one hour of time alone and they told me they will be there for 2-4 hours and I have the idea to take the sn in the shower while it is on so when they come back they think I started showering that will save me like an extra one hour and 30 minutes

 

[Andro_USYD]

Wait do you really want to give up and call it quits? Is it depression? Have U considered antidepressants that maybe after 6 weeks on them you will feel more happy?, Have you considered that maybe taking a leaf of faith(in kratom) might improve Ur life style? I can understand if things are just awlful for you and that Ur not satisfied with your life but it really does get better. It gets worse, but it also gets better as well. What is it that makes U want to give up? I'm here for U, talk to me. I can suggest both more legal and rational ideas to improve Ur situation as well as less legal but practical ways that might make U not wanna die. I'm here for you.

 

[HopefulSleep]

Wait do you really want to give up and call it quits?

Yes 100%, every day is torture.

Is it depression?

I have depression and things I liked in the past don't give me joy anymore but not my worst problem.
My worst problem is trauma related, I can pm you the exact situation if you want but I don't think you can help me.
Also in my opinion depression is just seeing the world realistically, what is good about doing the same stuff for the next 60+ years basically?

Have U considered antidepressants that maybe after 6 weeks on them you will feel more happy?

I tried antidepressants for months but they only made it worst same with antipsychotics.

Have you considered that maybe taking a leaf of faith(in kratom) might improve Ur life style?

Kratom is an opioid, I don't want to do physically addictive drugs often and right now I don't take any drugs they could give me the illusion that my life is great.
Also kratom is weak, I can't even nod off from it but less mentally addictive than other opioids at least.

I can understand if things are just awlful for you and that Ur not satisfied with your life but it really does get better.

Life was a downward cycle since I was a little kid, I just couldn't see it back then cause my brain wasn't developed.

I can suggest both more legal and rational ideas to improve Ur situation as well as less legal but practical ways that might make U not wanna die.

You mean revenge?

 

[Andro_USYD]

Yes 100%, every day is torture.

I have depression and things I liked in the past don't give me joy anymore but not my worst problem.
My worst problem is trauma related, I can pm you the exact situation if you want but I don't think you can help me.
Also in my opinion depression is just seeing the world realistically, what is good about doing the same stuff for the next 60+ years basically?

I tried antidepressants for months but they only made it worst same with antipsychotics.

Kratom is an opioid, I don't want to do physically addictive drugs often and right now I don't take any drugs they could give me the illusion that my life is great.
Also kratom is weak, I can't even nod off from it but less mentally addictive than other opioids at least.

Life was a downward cycle since I was a little kid, I just couldn't see it back then cause my brain wasn't developed.

You mean revenge?

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly: if it's a matter of life or death I think trying kratom is a good idea: it doesn't have withdrawals like typical opioids and is used a lot by Heroin addicts to get off opioids, I was in the same state U were: I totally think a depressed mindset is the way of seeing things realistically but this substance (though habit forming) is easy to get off.

So you've tried antipsychotics and antidepressants but have U ever tried ADHD stimulants? They make even chores enjoyable and after years on them they haven't lost their effect. A lot of the time if your preoccupied you don't feel suicidal. They're hard to get prescribed but they create a lot of meaning in life for me (I study with them at uni).
I totally understand PTSD and trauma and how bad it can be and do PM me the details because I really wanna here this: What about the possibility of eventually living in a different state or country. You could save up and go somewhere U love, U might meet someone someday and their way of living and mindset will also shape you. I recommend these things because it's literally a life/death scenario U have nothing to lose at all but everything to gain by medically potentially assisting urself with these substances.


Please PM me BC I'm down to talk about this with you. That increase loss in activities can potentially be changed with a little amphetamine.

 

[HopefulSleep]

if it's a matter of life or death I think trying kratom is a good idea: it doesn't have withdrawals like typical opioids and is used a lot by Heroin addicts to get off opioids, I was in the same state U were: I totally think a depressed mindset is the way of seeing things realistically but this substance (though habit forming) is easy to get off.

I tried some opioids in the past, I like them but still not how I want to feel and kratom didn't feel very special to begin with I can't even nod off from that.

So you've tried antipsychotics and antidepressants but have U ever tried ADHD stimulants?

I tried amphetamine but I don't like stimulants that much and again doesn't make me want to live.

I totally understand PTSD and trauma and how bad it can be and do PM me the details because I really wanna here this: What about the possibility of eventually living in a different state or country. You could save up and go somewhere U love, U might meet someone someday and their way of living and mindset will also shape you. I recommend these things because it's literally a life/death scenario U have nothing to lose at all but everything to gain by medically potentially assisting urself with these substances.

I can't get away easily out of the continuing abuse and even if I can get out the trauma won't end, I think not existing is better.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I went to the ctb room at the roof again today to look at it again and I memorized it completely wrong, it is bigger than I thought so I can't block it with my body and the diy fork lock didn't work but I am pretty sure no one would find me there before I am dead anyway.
I will either ctb monday in that room or friday in my shower when my family is away.

 

[Valky]

There has been so much forth and back for months, sorry I am not up to date, so which method will you be going with now?

 

[HopefulSleep]

There has been so much forth and back for months, sorry I am not up to date, so which method will you be going with now?

I will go with sn on either monday or friday.
I will prepare 2 bottles (or 3 but I don't think that is necessary it will just take longer) with 30g sn each (cause I am currently at 100kg and my body is strong so I am sure to die) and try to use as little water as possible to dilude it, I will start with circa 50ml.
I don't have the money for a hotel and am scared to go out so I will take the sn in an attic room that isn't used, I am pretty sure no one will look into there in those 4 hours.
I will take 600mg ibuprofen 1 hour before and 30mg meto 45 minutes before and I will take 3mg Bromazolam when I am there and drink the sn in 15 minutes so that the full effects of the bromazolam kicked in.
I didn't want to test a higher bromazolam dosage cause I don't want to black out.
Sorry that I changed my mind often about methods, night night seemed unreliable, partial didn't work, swb didn't work, sn doesn't seem like the best suicide method overall but best for my current situation.
Sorry that I didn't mention you in the post.

 

[Valky]

I will go with sn on either monday or friday.
I will prepare 2 bottles (or 3 but I don't think that is necessary it will just take longer) with 30g sn each (cause I am currently at 100kg and my body is strong so I am sure to die) and try to use as little water as possible to dilude it, I will start with circa 50ml.
I don't have the money for a hotel and am scared to go out so I will take the sn in an attic room that isn't used, I am pretty sure no one will look into there in those 4 hours.
I will take 600mg ibuprofen 1 hour before and 30mg meto 45 minutes before and I will take 3mg Bromazolam when I am there and drink the sn in 15 minutes so that the full effects of the bromazolam kicked in.
I didn't want to test a higher bromazolam dosage cause I don't want to black out.
Sorry that I changed my mind often about methods, night night seemed unreliable, partial didn't work, swb didn't work, sn doesn't seem like the best suicide method overall but best for my current situation.
Sorry that I didn't mention you in the post.

Don't worry at all :) there is no need to apologise. I am just glad that you found a method that you are comfortable going with.

SN really is the best in your situation but I already told you that.
I am sorry that it took so long to find something for you but I am also happy that you were able to hang on for so long!

Ich wünsche dir alles Gute und hoffe, dass du eine gute Reise hast und das alles gut für dich laufen wird. <3

 

[HopefulSleep]

Don't worry at all :) there is no need to apologise. I am just glad that you found a method that you are comfortable going with.

SN really is the best in your situation but I already told you that.
I am sorry that it took so long to find something for you but I am also happy that you were able to hang on for so long!

Ich wünsche dir alles Gute und hoffe, dass du eine gute Reise hast und das alles gut für dich laufen wird. <3

I think protonitazene overdose is better but a gram costs like 140€ and it probably takes longer than sn.
Charcoal or nitrogen also seem better but I would need my own apartment for that, I couldn't even do that in a hotel cause they would smeel the charcoal and a nitrogen setup would be hard to smuggle and costs much.

Danke für die nette Nachricht, hab dich gern, virtuelle Umarmung.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I will do it either tomorrow or friday

 

[StarFaded]

If you do fly around Kirby's Dreamland, I hope Coo will guide you ♡

It is serendipitous that I came across this thread again after weeks of my last post and seeing this gif of how Coo carries Kirby, and Kirby is so happy to be carried by Coo, always makes me cry.

They fly around Kirby's Dreamland forever.

I will do it either tomorrow or friday

I'm sorry that this life has been so painful for you. I wish you well on your journey. May you finally find peace.

 

[HopefulSleep]

@90starve If you are still around and see this after I pass, I truly love you my friend thanks for being kind to me, you are the kindest member on this site

 

[HopefulSleep]

If I do it tomorrow I need someone to chat with

 

[toofargone6969]

If I do it tomorrow I need someone to chat with

I'll be on here tomorrow, I hope we get a chance to talk even though time zones are different. I know you probably feel really alone.