Self Harm Thread

[cloudgazer26]

I'm too much of a coward to cut so I've always scratched my back and shoulders and legs and pick at my face until I bleed

 

[littlelungs]

but decided not to as you all made me feel better :)

That's amazing, and no small feat by any means. The circumstances are obviously terrible, but I'm so glad to hear that you feel a little less alone after finding some sort of community within these posts/this forum. And of course, my inbox is open if you ever just want to chat or blow off some steam or whatever – and this applies to everyone else here as well. Life's a real son of a bitch and my heart truly goes out to all of you.

 

[bunnies]

i started cutting when i was 13 or so and has been doing a lot better once i was a bit older. in my 20s the episodes were few and far between and nowhere near the level of addicted i was when i was younger. as i got a bit older i think drugs and partying helped a lot, and then being self-conscious about the scars, questions, judgement, etc. stressors in the last year or so sometimes came in the form of hitting myself in the face, etc.

but really nothing helps or feels as good as cutting. my mental health has been an absolute disaster for a long time. so much traumatic stuff the past couple of years and last summer i began having a lot of intrusive memories of past abuse. it got worse after i got assaulted last fall and now it feels constant. i have an on again/off again thing with a person i love deeply and every time i try ending the relationship we just end up falling back together. they mean well but the relationship is extremely distressing and it affects my bpd. my episodes lately have been a massive spiral, one after another

today was just another meltdown after lots and lots and lots of meltdowns lately. i went into an episode and just needed to talk. i don't know if i just needed to hear he loved me and i wasn't crazy or something but he was cold, indifferent, and kept telling me to get a therapist. i just needed him to care and tell me it was going to be okay. i don't think this is a life worth living as my quality of life is very poor but i'm not ready to ctb yet

everything felt painful and i had been fantasizing about self harm so much lately and i do it i think to try to help me from doing it? i think i have done this for many years. but tonight i just went for it and i can't express the relief that flowed through my body. the instant relaxation in my body. and it was like coming home in a weird way. muscle memory as far as how deep i wanted/needed to go, being able to feel out how many more times, another 3-4 cuts and i should be good, etc. it's insane to be 31 years old and still so in tune with my body and what it needs. it's been an hour or so and i feel great. still so relaxed and mentally feeling so relieved and so clear, which is something i think other bpd people
can understand, the stillness of clarity and lucidity that comes from returning to baseline after an episode

i just want to talk about it because i can't believe how much i let myself suffer endlessly when it's such an effective way to help calm me. it provides relief like no benzo ever could. i have some concerns about my healing due to being a diabetic but only because i heal slowly, and really just like anyone seeing the cuts or annoying judgement later from a person seeing scars

but i don't gaf right now and if this is what helps me feel good after an extremely painful episode then i really, really don't gaf. i can only speak for myself and i would NEVER encourage or advocate self harm for anyone but myself, but for me, it feels so much like harm reduction. i know that flies in the face of research and what mental health professionals are taught, but they don't have any concept of what living in my head is like or how desperately i am to make the emotional turmoil end, i'm generally tired of being told what is ok or unhealthy or not as far as mental health professionals go. nobody else can dictate when my suffering is enough to ctb, and they can't dictate what quality of life i should be forced to endure. my mental illnesses are serious issues and i have mounting physical health problems and nobody is responsible for that but me, so i am in the driver's seat and fk all of that. i believe in science and medicine but i also believe so much mental health stuff is regurgitated bs and i think almost none of them actually care about helping people feel better. ive been overlooked, ignored, and treated like a burden by so many that i have definitely lost any hope that i could real help. it's a job, they punch in and punch out and somewhere in the middle make sure that they're the least responsible as possible if you ctb under their care.

i'm rambling now, i'm sorry. i feel relaxed in that sleepy drunk and it made me a little too talky. take care everyone

 

[Depressed_Kettle]

I started SH as a teen, not sure when maybe 14. I have had times where I have stopped for a while but it's something I seem to be doing lately. I'm not sure why I should stop, I don't see the point.

 

[Pallf]

Anyone here a biter or a hitter? Those are my methods of choice. I tried doing the traditional cutting method, but bah it didn't work.
I can't get myself to bleed, but man do I feel something after gnawing on my index fingers, so it's still a success.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I haven't sh'd for months I'm desperate to cut my throat or my arms or just burn the pain away but I can't. I don't feel safe like I'm really going to hurt myself if I do. I can't even move for fear I'll do something. I don't feel good at all

 

[Soulless Angel]

Not super bad, but so much anger, I couldn't find my blade, fucking hate this shit,
How is eveyrone doing?

Spoiler: Not bad but either way

 

[Acopia]

Does anyone else just scroll through SH twitter & feel so damn jealous?
Someone please tell me I'm not alone
-A.

 

[Sebuet]

I started scratching/biting my hands when I was like 10 yo. Always got weird looks and comments on how I had wounds on my hands. Always hated it. Managed to somewhat get it under control over the years. Completely stopped last year. Had actual hope that shit would improve. Then everything fell apart and now I self harm more than ever. Started actual cutting recently BC I've lost all hope of ever getting a better life and bus date is coming up. Not even sure why I do it. Scratching/biting was always a kind of release of pressure. But this now? I think it's more of a scream for help. A scream that I suspect will go completely unheard.

Spoiler: Current state, so far no vertical cuts

 

[ClairyFairy]

I started scratching/biting my hands when I was like 10 yo. Always got weird looks and comments on how I had wounds on my hands. Always hated it. Managed to somewhat get it under control over the years. Completely stopped last year. Had actual hope that shit would improve. Then everything fell apart and now I self harm more than ever. Started actual cutting recently BC I've lost all hope of ever getting a better life and bus date is coming up. Not even sure why I do it. Scratching/biting was always a kind of release of pressure. But this now? I think it's more of a scream for help. A scream that I suspect will go completely unheard.

Spoiler: Current state, so far no vertical cuts

View attachment 71885

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope someone heard your cry for help but you're probably hiding it so you're right, they won't.

I'm doing really bad. I haven't sh'd for months. I have a really bad obsession with my neck and I want to just choke myself out. I've done so much damage to my neck already the pains too much. I bought a new sharpener so I am scared to cut. I haven't got any old blades.

My whole fucking life is an open wound. I'm jealous of the cuts and the bruises. My head is a mess. I'm not coping at all but everyone thinks I am.
How can I be fine? I was kiddy fiddled by a family member and moved straight onto a different type of psycho and it's all coming out. I feel like someone's going to say I've been incested and that will tip me over the edge that I'm already grappling precariously. Sorry I don't know why I came out with all that. I don't know what to do or say or who it's safe to say it to.
My memory's wrecked and I can't keep up with what's wrong with my neck. I should've told them I did it myself but I can't open my mouth to say it.

Does anyone else just scroll through SH twitter & feel so damn jealous?
Someone please tell me I'm not alone
-A.

From now on you're not alone

 

[Stroopwafel.]

I use to cut my legs. I've been doing this for many years now. I've ended up at the ER a few times. I try not to tho, and usually I manage to keep the cuts acceptable, so that I won't have to see a doctor for it. Sometimes I do not really feel the need to cut for weeks, but eventually I always end up cutting again. I did some cutting in my arms a few months ago, when I totally lost it. I do prefer my legs tho, as no one can see it. I still get questions about those two scars at my arms and I feel like shit every time anyone asks about it.

Sometimes I hit my head against the wall, or I hit my fists against my head. Ended up with some mild consussion a few times.

 

[filthyrottendirty]

I got tattoos to cover my scars but you can still see some of them

 

[Remember-Me-Not]

I unintentionally started self harming in 3rd grade. I was getting yelled at by mom as usual, and because she always said something along the lines of, "I own you so you have to do as I say," I hit myself on my head at first because it was a way to take revenge - I'm damaging her property.

I only hit myself ONCE and she was happening to walk by and was angrily asking me why I was doing that. I obviously knew the answer, but I couldn't verbalize it so I said "I don't know" until she gave up, threatening me not to do it again or I'll get in trouble.

Fast forward>> Middle school was when the abuse started picking up and was teetering into physical abuse. I was angry. I was sad. I was alone. So I did the next best thing: take revenge by destroying something of hers. I punched myself in the head after another one of her tirade.

Slowly, at first. It didn't hurt much, so over the year I started punching my head harder. I finally got to the point where I swung my arm as hard as I could to punch my head several times. Afterwards, my head would feel like... someone punched it. But more importantly, it felt numb. My anger fizzled when that numbness was there. During that short moment was when nothing was in my head and I felt at peace. I think... I was fucked up.

I did it secretly, of course. I was scared I would get caught. There was no privacy in that apartment - she removed my bedroom door off its hinges because I kept running away to my room when she would take out the shoehorn or some other rod to hit me with.

(If only I bruised easily, then someone would have noticed)

But now that I think back on it, that noise was pretty loud. The "thwack!" sound when something gets hit. She was always in the next room, both doors open. I'm sure she heard it, but she never seemed to mention it or bring it up.

(I would secretly write "I want to die," on the corners of my notebook, worksheets, scrap paper. I erased or threw those messages away immediately after, but there must have been a point where she saw them. Because one day she was mocking me during one of our fights, "You go ahead and keep writing that you want to die.")

I finally was able to distance myself when I went to college. I stopped punching myself. I processed my childhood. Saw a psychiatrist. Got diagnosed with C-PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

Fast forward>> I'm in grad school. I was mistaken in my belief that by being far away from my mom, I would be cured of depression and finally be happy. I was sorely wrong.

Depression clung to me even as I moved halfway across the country, and with it my negative emotions. I had wanted to feel that numbness again. I tried to hit my head only a couple times near the end of undergrad to achieve that numbness, but I was actually worried that I was causing some serious damage to my brain. So I bought a fresh new exacto knife and cut the right side of my hip, because no one would see the cuts as long as I am wearing underwear.

It doesn't give me that numbness I'm looking for. But the fucked up part of me is still trying.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I unintentionally started self harming in 3rd grade. I was getting yelled at by mom as usual, and because she always said something along the lines of, "I own you so you have to do as I say," I hit myself on my head at first because it was a way to take revenge - I'm damaging her property.

I only hit myself ONCE and she was happening to walk by and was angrily asking me why I was doing that. I obviously knew the answer, but I couldn't verbalize it so I said "I don't know" until she gave up, threatening me not to do it again or I'll get in trouble.

Fast forward>> Middle school was when the abuse started picking up and was teetering into physical abuse. I was angry. I was sad. I was alone. So I did the next best thing: take revenge by destroying something of hers. I punched myself in the head after another one of her tirade.

Slowly, at first. It didn't hurt much, so over the year I started punching my head harder. I finally got to the point where I swung my arm as hard as I could to punch my head several times. Afterwards, my head would feel like... someone punched it. But more importantly, it felt numb. My anger fizzled when that numbness was there. During that short moment was when nothing was in my head and I felt at peace. I think... I was fucked up.

I did it secretly, of course. I was scared I would get caught. There was no privacy in that apartment - she removed my bedroom door off its hinges because I kept running away to my room when she would take out the shoehorn or some other rod to hit me with.

(If only I bruised easily, then someone would have noticed)

But now that I think back on it, that noise was pretty loud. The "thwack!" sound when something gets hit. She was always in the next room, both doors open. I'm sure she heard it, but she never seemed to mention it or bring it up.

(I would secretly write "I want to die," on the corners of my notebook, worksheets, scrap paper. I erased or threw those messages away immediately after, but there must have been a point where she saw them. Because one day she was mocking me during one of our fights, "You go ahead and keep writing that you want to die.")

I finally was able to distance myself when I went to college. I stopped punching myself. I processed my childhood. Saw a psychiatrist. Got diagnosed with C-PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

Fast forward>> I'm in grad school. I was mistaken in my belief that by being far away from my mom, I would be cured of depression and finally be happy. I was sorely wrong.

Depression clung to me even as I moved halfway across the country, and with it my negative emotions. I had wanted to feel that numbness again. I tried to hit my head only a couple times near the end of undergrad to achieve that numbness, but I was actually worried that I was causing some serious damage to my brain. So I bought a fresh new exacto knife and cut the right side of my hip, because no one would see the cuts as long as I am wearing underwear.

It doesn't give me that numbness I'm looking for. But the fucked up part of me is still trying.

I'm so sorry that your mum's a piece of shit!! You didn't deserve to be treated like that. Especially not by the woman who brought you into this world. I'm sending you a great big virtual hug. Stay safe x

 

[asleep]

i actually started cutting with my knife just a few days ago. i'd originally bought it for self-defense for when i go back to uni but i felt particularly shitty the other day and decided to try it on myself. before then i'd cut with scissors or even my nails, if they were long and sharp enough. compared to those two things i barely even felt the blade of the knife on my skin. it was nuts. only pain was when the cuts were burning while scabbing up in the days following.

above all i'm shocked at how easily knives can cut skin (as dumb as that sounds). i dunno, i just didn't think it'd be like that at all. i don't like pain but i like to sh so this makes it a lot less of a chore than it used to be. i can already see myself getting addicted to it now lol. good luck hiding your arms, future me

 

[Soulless Angel]

i actually started cutting with my knife just a few days ago. i'd originally bought it for self-defense for when i go back to uni but i felt particularly shitty the other day and decided to try it on myself. before then i'd cut with scissors or even my nails, if they were long and sharp enough. compared to those two things i barely even felt the blade of the knife on my skin. it was nuts. only pain was when the cuts were burning while scabbing up in the days following.

above all i'm shocked at how easily knives can cut skin (as dumb as that sounds). i dunno, i just didn't think it'd be like that at all. i don't like pain but i like to sh so this makes it a lot less of a chore than it used to be. i can already see myself getting addicted to it now lol. good luck hiding your arms, future me

please please be careful going down this route, it is addictive, but dangerously so

 

[clown_17]

I used to self harm throughout my whole life without realizing it. In elementary school I remember pinching myself or stabbing myself with a pencil when I made mistakes. I was a perfectionist and didn't see any value in me when I wasn't achieving anything. It was only after I learned a friend cut themselves that I decided to try it out . (I don't blame them, I already self harming with pencils before) So id day I started cutting at 13, seems to be the year everyone starts. Eventually I joined a self harm site whcih I won't share the name to protect the site. Started self harming worse. It's been years but now I rarely self harm, only a few times a month. But when I do I go to fascia (below fat). I like the scars and the damage, and don't care about what it does to my body. So far it hasn't caused me any problems. Self harm helps my mental health actually, it gives me a release. No amount of bs "use ice" or "put red dye on your arms" will give the same effect. I don't have any interest in clean skin, I like it thsi way. Sue me

 

[Soulless Angel]

Self harm helps my mental health actually, it gives me a release. No amount of bs "use ice" or "put red dye on your arms" will give the same effect. I don't have any interest in clean skin, I like it thsi way. Sue me

I hate the oh use ice it will have the same sensation, or elastic bands comments, NO its not the same, and no it doesn't help, and those who claim to have SHd and then used these methods as a form of recovery I don't feel have truely found the depths of hell in SH

 

[ClairyFairy]

The elastic band just stops me getting overwhelmed. It's a little bit like snapping out of it. I don't do it to hurt it just stops my thoughts overwhelming me. I'm using a band at the minute.

 

[frost]

Using a rubber band is a decent option if you don't have access to your regular tools. All of the other things like "use ice", "draw with red pen" doesn't work at all for me

 

[ClairyFairy]

Normally anything like this I start hurting myself with. I find comfort in having bandages on. It's literally the only kind thing I do for myself wound care. How pathetic is that! Fresh bandages are my favourite
Drawing red on me makes me more likely to follow up with real self harm. I'm using the band to try and stop my thoughts from raging against me

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

It's been almost a decade since I've engaged in SH. My preferred method was smashing my head into walls repeatedly, trying to knock myself unconscious.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I'm finding every second hard atm
Anxiety is sky high

 

[Deadlyroses]

I never cut because I have a blood phobia. I do bruise myself sometimes though- punching, pinching, etc. Usually on my thighs and arms. When I'm really hysterical, I hit my head with my fists or against the wall. Haven't done it in a while now because I spend most nights with my vape pen or alcohol or both to numb myself completely.

 

[Green Destiny]

I SH'd by hitting myself on the head. For a long time I just used my fists and I didn't really hold back on going full force to smack the top of my head with the sides of my hands. Eventually graduated to using the closest wall, managed to put a dent into one. Think I've given my Meniere's disease as a result, which is ringing in the ears at random intervals.

 

[Sebuet]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope someone heard your cry for help but you're probably hiding it so you're right, they won't.

I'm doing really bad. I haven't sh'd for months. I have a really bad obsession with my neck and I want to just choke myself out. I've done so much damage to my neck already the pains too much. I bought a new sharpener so I am scared to cut. I haven't got any old blades.

My whole fucking life is an open wound. I'm jealous of the cuts and the bruises. My head is a mess. I'm not coping at all but everyone thinks I am.
How can I be fine? I was kiddy fiddled by a family member and moved straight onto a different type of psycho and it's all coming out. I feel like someone's going to say I've been incested and that will tip me over the edge that I'm already grappling precariously. Sorry I don't know why I came out with all that. I don't know what to do or say or who it's safe to say it to.
My memory's wrecked and I can't keep up with what's wrong with my neck. I should've told them I did it myself but I can't open my mouth to say it.

From now on you're not alone

You cut your neck? Damn. I've thought about doing that as well but it being harder to hide keeps me away from it. I'm sorry to hear your story, honestly not sure what to tell you to make it better. As if some words from a stranger could make any of it better. As much as it pains me to say it, but some people just won't get a happy ending. Probably a bigger minority than we think, perhaps even a majority.

On the hearing my cry for help? Mum saw it, she says she wants to have me committet. Told her nah I'll never get back into the mental health industry, all they do is throw pills at people who feel bad. Treating symptoms, not root cause. Remember mental heath In the 20s? Lobotomies carried out by "medicat professional" and the likes. In a hundred years current mental heath industry will be looked at the same way. Barbaric experiments by doctors who only care to advance their careers.

I also send a pic of arm to my ex gf. No comment, just a screenshot. She'll prob send it to local authorities. And to think this was the girl who told me "in a forrver person, you don't have to get through this alone, I think you're worth it to me". Til she replaced me like I was nothinh. No offense to any female users here, but girls can be the most heartless creatures on this earth.

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

I selfharmed for many years as a teenager and was hospitalised for that and my CTB attempts for 7 months - I managed to go over 13 years clean after 6 years of doing it, until January this year when I had a complete breakdown and am still in the depths of it. I hate that I can't cut deeper - even though I am scarred as shit now on my arms and legs. All health professionals are aware and yet I still can't stop and want to cut deeper. I know logically it is all in my head and self harm is self harm regardless of scars etc. I am still not out of this breakdown and don't know if I will be and envy those able to cut deep enough to require stitches. I hate that I SH and yet I don't care and don't care of the consequences. I just want to let all this pain out and yet it is never enough but yet helps in the moment. To anyone considering starting, all I can say is please don't. It is a hole that you will never fully be free of, even if you do manage to become "clean", the urges may always be there

 

[idontcare]

does anyone else feel like sometimes they can never hurt themselves enough? i dont know if this will make any sense, but: i have been hurting myself since a very young age, cutting, burning, scratching etc. but for a while its felt like its not even doing anything at all- not that it ever really did solve anything before. on top of the emotional numbness its like it doesnt hurt enough and i need it to hurt more. but im not surprised that one of the only things that gave me something resembling comfort is gone too.

 

[one.way.out]

Choking myself is my favorite. For all of you who know partial suspension, choking yourself hard for a couple of seconds with a t-shirt cuts off the carotid arteries as well. Your vision starts to go black, and then when you pull away, it gives you this lovely numb feeling. Can also have trouble walking. I love it.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I have been scratching away today really wish I hadn't started something I can't control. Fuck this stupid elastic band