Self Harm Thread

[BandAddict]

I started self-harming around age 6-7, I think, possibly younger. Started with scratching, headbanging and hair-pulling. First time I attempted cutting was age 11 or 12, but mostly stuck to the other behaviours until I was 16. Cutting became my go-to, and was often a daily thing for me, no matter the mood. Sometimes I was able to quit for a few weeks but always went back to it. My favourite place is my wrists, but it's too easy to get caught that way because I get careless (plus it's where family would expect). So for the past couple years I mainly stick to shoulders, stomach, hips and thighs. I was clean from cutting for 7-8 months but relapsed last week. Currently 2 days clean (yay?) but I don't trust it will stay that way for long. No matter which behaviours I stop, I always keep a few or try to find new ones.

 

[Aeathelina]

I started self harm in around 19-20 so now six years. Its not an everyday thing that feel like I NEED to do but when I feel that I'm not doing enough or sober to take in how bad my life has become.
Then the desire to harm kicks up and last quite a while. Its just become a part of me like my horrible drinking.
I'm not gonna die from a blade to the wrist but the lines will always be on my body.
Like atm I'm harming to ground me so I don't get too swept up in my reality of being homeless. I know it's frowned upon but nobody cares why not stop

 

[elfgyoza]

shit, how long you stuck in there for? I see you are in the UK

Been here since 14th Dec and I got put on a section 3 two weeks ago so who knows how long!! I got my wall fixed though lol

Night after that I was head banging in my bathroom (tiled wet room) and they only stopped me once they saw blood on the wall, some of the staff really don't give a shit here, but the sneaky buggers are quick when they want to be...
Yesterday one of them had their hand between my head and the wall so I resorted to scratching my face till it was red raw and bleeding. Face looks awful now (well, not that it looked good before...)

 

[Deleted member 25508]

when i cut myself i feel like i'm attacking someone else who i hate. it's less like i'm harming myself, and more like i'm harming my self. the degree of malice i feel towards myself is as if i am a third-party that is trying to hurt me.

i don't know if that makes any sense, but that's what it feels like to me.

 

[Mentalmick]

when i cut myself i feel like i'm attacking someone else who i hate. it's less like i'm harming myself, and more like i'm harming my self. the degree of malice i feel towards myself is as if i am a third-party that is trying to hurt me.

i don't know if that makes any sense, but that's what it feels like to me.

I get a lot of anger and self loathing while doing it too. I think it's pretty common. Unfortunately.

 

[Soulless Angel]

bringing this back up

 

[elfgyoza]

Starting to regret some of my sh now, scratched my arm until it was covered in blood and it hurts so bad still, 2 days later. It looks and feels like a burn. Won't be doing that again :(

 

[Lost.]

I miss cutting so much, i havent cut since beging of December. I stoped due to fear of ending up at ER (i realy don't want that!).
Recently i burned myslef with cigaretes. At least sometning.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

One method for me has always been the knife just because I've always had a sharp one nearby. I wanted to test how painful it was to get some bleeding done with it a couple of times. Slashing wrists vertically and stabbing into the leg isn't that bad when under extreme emotional duress, but hitting vital spots for catching the bus would bring waaaay more pain and SI would start acting up smh.

 

[Soulless Angel]

Starting to regret some of my sh now, scratched my arm until it was covered in blood and it hurts so bad still, 2 days later. It looks and feels like a burn. Won't be doing that again :(

How's your arm doing now? How are you doing?

I miss cutting so much, i havent cut since beging of December. I stoped due to fear of ending up at ER (i realy don't want that!).
Recently i burned myslef with cigaretes. At least sometning.

well done on not cutting though, it takes some strength to not, but ouch to the burning :( Are you OK?

One method for me has always been the knife just because I've always had a sharp one nearby. I wanted to test how painful it was to get some bleeding done with it a couple of times. Slashing wrists vertically and stabbing into the leg isn't that bad when under extreme emotional duress, but hitting vital spots for catching the bus would bring waaaay more pain and SI would start acting up smh.

cutting wrists for CTB just isn't like it is in movies, but I have read stories of people who have managed it and im like whoa, nope,

I prefer a blade, but I don't have one currently, the one I had has gone rusty and It barely scratches, kinda frustrating, my nails have grown long, when under stress now, I tend to dig them deep into my arm, not the same feeling as a blade, but it helps in its own little way

 

[Mentalmick]

cutting wrists for CTB just isn't like it is in movies, but I have read stories of people who have managed it and im like whoa, nope,

Damn fucking right it's not. I've got permanent severe nerve and muscle damage to prove it. Stupid movies.

 

[Soulless Angel]

Damn fucking right it's not. I've got permanent severe nerve and muscle damage to prove it. Stupid movies.

shiteeeeeee!! can I ask what happened, was it a ctb attempt or just in a very dark place?

 

[ixkitty]

Honestly, I thought I Self Harmed differently from other people... but I realize I'm not the only one !

My story: I started when I was a bit before teenager (I don't remember the year exactly), i didn't have a rough childhood.. my mom owned a daycare center, I got an allowance bi weekly for helping out,went to church every Sunday, participated in every church and school event ever, I even tried to get into cheerleading................ that kinda shit.. BUT I felt trapped.. weighed by expectations to be smart and kind and sweet and polite. I couldn't get upset or I get in trouble. I couldn't say "no ma'am I don't want to talk to that stranger" because I'd get punished. I had no opinions, if I did it was wrong.

During this time, I would have breakdowns alone. No one knew, I would take rubber bands and hurt myself with it because the pain mentally distracted me. But of course as time goes by it got worse and I had trouble coping. My mom accidentally broke a glass cup one day and I told her I'd get It because she was kinda busy. So I started picking up the glass and cut my finger.

It was kind of a bad day I believe which makes it much different from hurting yourself on a good day .. my mind, for lack of better terms, exploded with a different sensation of relief.. like watching the blood form in the cut and slowly leak out made me feel so nice.. I kept that very piece. I hid it under the carpet in my room.

The next time my mom or school(again, don't remember) said or did something that really just upset me.. I walked to my room and desperately searched for the one item that might change my life... I found it and honestly my hesitation probably was 10 minutes worth. I remember feeling the blood in my body and feeling everything, wondering if this was a good idea, should I? What if I get in trouble?

My mind ran for a bit before I decided, just a poke. Don't have to cut it but just poke it for the pain .. I took the pointed part and just jabbed my arm .. nothing.. I jabbed it again.. nothing... okay maybe a light scrape. Nothing... not enough pressure. Too much hesitation..

I got frustrated with my self and yanked the glass across my arm.. success... the thin red line started to go form.. but no pain ... why was there no pain ... it was a delayed Reaction.. I felt it and it felt good... that day changed it all... I started cutting like .. once a week.. just one cut.. my sleeves got longer, but if anyone asked... my cat did it.. my dog did it .. there was a stray kitten I saved, it did it.. the gate .. the door frame.. a kid from daycare.. every excuse I could find I used all while hiding the best I could..

I hardly had control over my own clothing selection but I'd keep arm warmers in my back pack.. i got a variety of colors I can wear... as time went on it increased in frequency.. once a week.. twice a week... 5 times a week... daily.. just to feel alive, just to know I'm still feeling... I did it for years, I constantly wire sleeves, or a jacket, or a coat.. even in the summer.. I was allegedly the next Columbine Killer because he wore a winter coat to school and shot a lot of people.. so no one messed with me.. they left me alone..

Fast forward a few years I didn't have anything yo cut with, it was a bad day, I need help, my mind is wondering, something.. anything for pain.. my frustrations spilled over and a punched myself in the face.. it felt good but I was still angry .. I'm stupid, I'm ugly I hate me, just die.. every phrase gave me more power to hit myself in the head, harder and harder. I'm seeing stars, I'm not so angry.. I'm in my own circle of tears.. it was like a small orgasm of pain explosions.. i liked it... now I cut, I hit, I bite I slap, I punch.. my mistreatment of myself has no limits..

During all of this, I wish I was better off dead.. only recently in the last 8 years have any of my efforts gotten close enough to be hospitalized.. once drinking SN, someone came and saved me .. I lied and told them I was supposed to have sodium nitrAte for studying (I was in nursing school) and the person have me nitrIte.. they fell for it.. I tried to overdose 3 times, hang myself (I ended up being too drunk and stopped and intuitionalized for 3 weeks.. valentine day was a day) I tried to shoot myself, again.. drunk as fuck and people were there to stop me...

As far as my scars... I'll share also... and I'm left handed so most are on my right hand/arm..

 

[Mentalmick]

shiteeeeeee!! can I ask what happened, was it a ctb attempt or just in a very dark place?

It was a ctb attempt. I had planned on going down the way, but there were cops and ambulance people in the house watching me, so I didn't have much time. I started panicking, and just decided to go straight across, I thought if I pushed hard enough I would still die (was using a large vets scalpel). So I did it, blood started going everywhere but I wasn't dying, started panicking even more because my left hand had turned into a claw and I couldn't cut again because I was too busy fainting. Turns out I went through 4 tendons, both nerves and a bit of the artery. The nerves got blocked by the scar tissue so they died off and I was left with a skeletal looking hand with no muscles in it and no fine movement either. Good day was had by all.

 

[elfgyoza]

How's your arm doing now? How are you doing?

I prefer a blade, but I don't have one currently, the one I had has gone rusty and It barely scratches, kinda frustrating, my nails have grown long, when under stress now, I tend to dig them deep into my arm, not the same feeling as a blade, but it helps in its own little way

It's a lot better now, doesn't hurt and don't need a dressing on it anymore, thank you :)
I prefer blades too, I've got a couple I've snuck into hospital with me atm, but it's not the same, I have to do it in my bathroom and have to limit how many and how deep I can go

 

[Mentalmick]

It's a lot better now, doesn't hurt and don't need a dressing on it anymore, thank you :)
I prefer blades too, I've got a couple I've snuck into hospital with me atm, but it's not the same, I have to do it in my bathroom and have to limit how many and how deep I can go

I used to regularly sneak blades into the hospital too. They're fucking clueless.

 

[elfgyoza]

I used to regularly sneak blades into the hospital too. They're fucking clueless.

Tell me about it..
Even got some of my own dressings in so I can do it safely lmao
I've had two friends get caught with razors and knife blades though, they weren't hidden well

 

[Lost.]

How's your arm doing now? How are you doing?


well done on not cutting though, it takes some strength to not, but ouch to the burning :( Are you OK?


cutting wrists for CTB just isn't like it is in movies, but I have read stories of people who have managed it and im like whoa, nope,

I prefer a blade, but I don't have one currently, the one I had has gone rusty and It barely scratches, kinda frustrating, my nails have grown long, when under stress now, I tend to dig them deep into my arm, not the same feeling as a blade, but it helps in its own little way

Thank you for question. Burns are healing good.
I am not happy at all for be cutting free or proud, because i miss that so much.

 

[Mentalmick]

Tell me about it..
Even got some of my own dressings in so I can do it safely lmao
I've had two friends get caught with razors and knife blades though, they weren't hidden well

Used to put mine under the insole of my trainers. Funniest one was when I ordered a box of 100 sterile scalpel blades off Amazon, had them delivered to a small corner shop, then went and got them and walked straight in with them in my pocket. When they asked what I cut myself with, I said a ring pull off of a can of Pepsi Max. People used to smuggle bottles of wine and everything in. Mental.

 

[notreallynow]

Happy story(?) One of mine on my right arm was going septic because it was too wide to scab properly. Assumed yellow stuff was fat, no, it was not. It reeked. Just putrid.
It wouldn't stop leaking for 4 days so day 7, wrapped some tissue paper on it and secured with medical tape. Did not look at it for a week because I'm a pussy. Arm smelled like death. Like a bin taped to my arm. Last night I ripped it off, expecting gangrene or some shit.. no. By completely ignoring medical advice and taping some filthy toilet paper to an infected wound, I ended up with a rather ugly but perfectly intact pink scar.
I'm not sure what the moral of the story is, life is kind to me in weird ways sometimes, don't get into a tizzy over medical horror stories becausr if you are young your body is still likely to be quite sturdy.. and I am sticking to leftie arm from now on, because I can afford to lose it, and clearly, nothing can compel me to see a medical professional unless I am literally dragged there. But yeah don't panic kids, things do work out, a lot of the time..!

 

[Mentalmick]

Happy story(?) One of mine on my right arm was going septic because it was too wide to scab properly. Assumed yellow stuff was fat, no, it was not. It reeked. Just putrid.
It wouldn't stop leaking for 4 days so day 7, wrapped some tissue paper on it and secured with medical tape. Did not look at it for a week because I'm a pussy. Arm smelled like death. Like a bin taped to my arm. Last night I ripped it off, expecting gangrene or some shit.. no. By completely ignoring medical advice and taping some filthy toilet paper to an infected wound, I ended up with a rather ugly but perfectly intact pink scar.
I'm not sure what the moral of the story is, life is kind to me in weird ways sometimes, don't get into a tizzy over medical horror stories becausr if you are young your body is still likely to be quite sturdy.. and I am sticking to leftie arm from now on, because I can afford to lose it, and clearly, nothing can compel me to see a medical professional unless I am literally dragged there. But yeah don't panic kids, things do work out, a lot of the time..!

Yes, infections stink the place out. I use skin staples these days, seems to avoid infections.

 

[Rue89]

I was trying to stop cutting, but I caved in today. I needed that numbing effect that it has on my emotions. I wish the effect lasted longer.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I was trying to stop cutting, but I caved in today. I needed that numbing effect that it has on my emotions. I wish the effect lasted longer.

so sorry to read you relapsed today, wana talk about what happened to take you to that place?

 

[Rue89]

so sorry to read you relapsed today, wana talk about what happened to take you to that place?

I don't feel like going into detail, but basically a couple days ago I realized some toxic things about myself and have been feeling really bad about it since. Today I might've fucked up a friendship because of it.

 

[Nexey]

what's up frens

I haven't self-harmed in years but I do find the communities around it interesting, especially the ones in Japan. They, uh. Go a bit far with it. I've noticed Westerners tend to be more inclined to either make shallow cuts or "hit styrofoam," meanwhile a lot of fc2 blogs floating around having pictures of people cutting deep enough that they can see their fat. (!!! I DO NOT recommend anyone does this. It's extremely dangerous and can leave you disfigured at best and disabled at worst. Or, just... dead.)

I remember coming across this one picture... A Japanese woman decided it'd be funny to put googly eyes over her a deep wound. It was far enough into her that you could see the yellow fat. Yet no blood was in sight. I think it might've been a day old. That image... haunts me in more ways than one. Mostly just because of how bleek her sense of humor was... and since it wasn't stitched up and probably never will be.

 

[TessB]

I haven't self harmed since the end of last year.. and it's usually cutting with me, but actually and I know this sounds extreme but the sh I did that helped me most was burning my arm with an iron, the pain was sort of seering and burning and for once I couldn't focus on anything but that feeling.. which is what I seek from sh anyway.

I haven't self harmed since the end of last year.. and it's usually cutting with me, but actually and I know this sounds extreme but the sh I did that helped me most was burning my arm with an iron, the pain was sort of seering and burning and for once I couldn't focus on anything but that feeling.. which is what I seek from sh anyway.

I don't mind the scars they just remind me that I've been through real pain and that I'm still here. (Not that I want to be)

 

[Mentalmick]

what's up frens

I haven't self-harmed in years but I do find the communities around it interesting, especially the ones in Japan. They, uh. Go a bit far with it. I've noticed Westerners tend to be more inclined to either make shallow cuts or "hit styrofoam," meanwhile a lot of fc2 blogs floating around having pictures of people cutting deep enough that they can see their fat. (!!! I DO NOT recommend anyone does this. It's extremely dangerous and can leave you disfigured at best and disabled at worst. Or, just... dead.)

I remember coming across this one picture... A Japanese woman decided it'd be funny to put googly eyes over her a deep wound. It was far enough into her that you could see the yellow fat. Yet no blood was in sight. I think it might've been a day old. That image... haunts me in more ways than one. Mostly just because of how bleek her sense of humor was... and since it wasn't stitched up and probably never will be.

Don't say that! I must be a right freak because I go right through until I can see the inside moving separately to the outside, then, once the bleeding stops I stable the sucker closed. I used to stitch myself shut but I don't have the dexterity anymore. I'll do a big smiley face next time and take a picture of it for you.

 

[Nexey]

Don't say that! I must be a right freak because I go right through until I can see the inside moving separately to the outside, then, once the bleeding stops I stable the sucker closed. I used to stitch myself shut but I don't have the dexterity anymore. I'll do a big smiley face next time and take a picture of it for you.

Please be careful. ; _ ; I'm just glad you're closing your wounds afterwards at all.

N-No need to take a pic, I'm not into seeing graphic stuff.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I found a sharp blade but it does fuck all, maybe a good thing? Do you think our skin toughens up over time?

 

[Mentalmick]

I found a sharp blade but it does fuck all, maybe a good thing? Do you think our skin toughens up over time?

Maybe scar tissue.