Bells
Formerly known as TheVampireQueen.
- Oct 15, 2023
- 20
Hi, been kinda on and off from SaSu after last autumn. I really don't know how to describe my current mood. I just felt like I wanted to vent. I've been thinking a lot about my history with self harm and suicidal thoughts. I've been looking into SN and SN sources that I could get here in EU. I think SN or hanging would be the method I prefer, although I've been looking for bridges and high up places to jump from when going for my walks (but don't really wanna risk to get paralyzed or anything). I've been thinking what to wear if/when I do it and what I would write before going. It's honestly been kinda therapeutic and peaceful. Yet, I don't feel like I'm ready to go quite yet. For some reason I, even after hearing some bad things about psych wards, I think I wanna try to get myself admitted to one. I don't really know how it works. I feel like giving life one more chance but I'm so tired and exhausted of it all.
I've also been actively self harming for the last year or two. I had a break from SH for several years when I was in high school but like about two years ago I got back to it as a way to cope. My self harming tendencies started back in middle school at 7th grade, so many many years ago. I used to use scissors to cut since I didn't have easy access to razors and honestly, I was scared of knives. I used the scissors to carve my skin back and forth untill I draw a good amount of blood. The pain of the scissor's blades cutting into the skin while applying pressure made me feel better for some reason. (It's pretty funny since I'm really afraid of needless and have fainted many times because of vaccines etc but blood itself really never bothered me). I think partly it made me feel good since my mental pain turned into physical one, the pain turned "real". And well also, I could forget everything for a moment, just to feel the pain and focus on it.
I stopped self harm after getting out of middle school (btw I think its called junior high in usa, idk really). I had few occasions where I cut myself while in highschool but nothing too major. But after highschool things changed, and I had rough time holding a job. (I wanted to get a job so I could move out from my parent's place). Working a 9 to 5 was soul crushing, I don't know if I am a snowflake but working at a factory line every day, I started to feel like a fucking zombie. Like I was just spectating my life, autopilot. Sometimes I called in sick but couldn't tell my parents that I "skipped" work for just feeling bad and because I couldn't tell my parents I left home those days and drove to a parking lot somewhere and slept in the car for the whole duration of my shift. After that I drove back to home and pretended that I was at work. I think realizing the 9 to 5 work and overall meaningless existence made me really depressed. Well, after sometime I saved enough so I could move away and that I did. Not too far from home, but to a city close by. I was super happy about it, but now thinking back, I feel like I wasn't ready for the responsibility. I spent more than I really could afford and didn't pay some bills on time. Even after years, that's still haunting me as I am paying for foreclosure (im not sure what it's called in english) but, basically im paying for the interest for not paying the bills on time. I got accepted into a school I applied for (but I feel like I really did it to escape needing to work and because I wanted access to the school's mental health services). It helped a bit and I got into therapy. I also started SSRIs (as you can see from my earlier posts). But that was also the time I started to self harm again, well actually the summer before school started.
I started to use knives to SH and at first, it scared the shit out of me. It just happened, blood everywhere. But it helped, for the time being, it helped. But it's not a good coping mechanism, not a sustainable one. I've started to cut deeper each time, really just carving with the kitchen knife. I've never gotten stitches or went to a hospital because of my wounds though, so I don't know, maybe they havent been serious enough. I've also never cut any muscles or tendencies, etc. Recently it has started to kinda worry me, as I'm not sure what I should do. I just cut myself again few days ago with the kitchen knife, just back and forth drawing a lot of blood untill I was "satisfied". I think I partly did it because I wanted to make an appointment to a local health center/hospital and just get help. I wanted to have the fresh deep wound as "a proof" that I need help. But I got too afraid to make the appointment for few reasons. I wanna believe that they could help me, that maybe even psych ward could help me. But I've been let down by medical care before for not taking my problems seriously enough. I'm also afraid how my family would react, especially my parents. They know I have struggled but not to this extent. I have never told them about my self harm or suicidal thoughts. I'm also scared about like normal things such as how will I be able to pay my bills if I was admitted to a psych ward. And things such as how I could get my mail (I really don't want my parents or friends to find my unpaid bills and such if they checked my mail).
I feel like I've reached a crossroad where I just finally end this all or try psych ward or other form of help. I mean it's not like I'm against suicide and I have been making my plans about CTB for years now not knowing when to go. I'm exhausted to worry, exhausted to think, exhausted to exist. I've started to sleep for long periods of time (up to 22hours) just to escape reality. I would do more drugs or drink more alcohol as a way to escape reality but sadly don't have the money for it. Actually at the start of the year I got a big amount of money as a gift from my grandparents (which has never happened before) and I thought I was gonna change things, gonna pay for the unpaid bills etc, but I spent like 90% of it to alcohol) to drink my worries away. I just feel like I can't take care of myself, of my life anymore. I am totally and completely exhausted. Ironically even after all these things, I'm too afraid to make a simple phone call to get help. I just don't know what to do.
-- I wanted to vent and kinda update what I've been going through. Any responses are appreciated!! <3
I've also been actively self harming for the last year or two. I had a break from SH for several years when I was in high school but like about two years ago I got back to it as a way to cope. My self harming tendencies started back in middle school at 7th grade, so many many years ago. I used to use scissors to cut since I didn't have easy access to razors and honestly, I was scared of knives. I used the scissors to carve my skin back and forth untill I draw a good amount of blood. The pain of the scissor's blades cutting into the skin while applying pressure made me feel better for some reason. (It's pretty funny since I'm really afraid of needless and have fainted many times because of vaccines etc but blood itself really never bothered me). I think partly it made me feel good since my mental pain turned into physical one, the pain turned "real". And well also, I could forget everything for a moment, just to feel the pain and focus on it.
I stopped self harm after getting out of middle school (btw I think its called junior high in usa, idk really). I had few occasions where I cut myself while in highschool but nothing too major. But after highschool things changed, and I had rough time holding a job. (I wanted to get a job so I could move out from my parent's place). Working a 9 to 5 was soul crushing, I don't know if I am a snowflake but working at a factory line every day, I started to feel like a fucking zombie. Like I was just spectating my life, autopilot. Sometimes I called in sick but couldn't tell my parents that I "skipped" work for just feeling bad and because I couldn't tell my parents I left home those days and drove to a parking lot somewhere and slept in the car for the whole duration of my shift. After that I drove back to home and pretended that I was at work. I think realizing the 9 to 5 work and overall meaningless existence made me really depressed. Well, after sometime I saved enough so I could move away and that I did. Not too far from home, but to a city close by. I was super happy about it, but now thinking back, I feel like I wasn't ready for the responsibility. I spent more than I really could afford and didn't pay some bills on time. Even after years, that's still haunting me as I am paying for foreclosure (im not sure what it's called in english) but, basically im paying for the interest for not paying the bills on time. I got accepted into a school I applied for (but I feel like I really did it to escape needing to work and because I wanted access to the school's mental health services). It helped a bit and I got into therapy. I also started SSRIs (as you can see from my earlier posts). But that was also the time I started to self harm again, well actually the summer before school started.
I started to use knives to SH and at first, it scared the shit out of me. It just happened, blood everywhere. But it helped, for the time being, it helped. But it's not a good coping mechanism, not a sustainable one. I've started to cut deeper each time, really just carving with the kitchen knife. I've never gotten stitches or went to a hospital because of my wounds though, so I don't know, maybe they havent been serious enough. I've also never cut any muscles or tendencies, etc. Recently it has started to kinda worry me, as I'm not sure what I should do. I just cut myself again few days ago with the kitchen knife, just back and forth drawing a lot of blood untill I was "satisfied". I think I partly did it because I wanted to make an appointment to a local health center/hospital and just get help. I wanted to have the fresh deep wound as "a proof" that I need help. But I got too afraid to make the appointment for few reasons. I wanna believe that they could help me, that maybe even psych ward could help me. But I've been let down by medical care before for not taking my problems seriously enough. I'm also afraid how my family would react, especially my parents. They know I have struggled but not to this extent. I have never told them about my self harm or suicidal thoughts. I'm also scared about like normal things such as how will I be able to pay my bills if I was admitted to a psych ward. And things such as how I could get my mail (I really don't want my parents or friends to find my unpaid bills and such if they checked my mail).
I feel like I've reached a crossroad where I just finally end this all or try psych ward or other form of help. I mean it's not like I'm against suicide and I have been making my plans about CTB for years now not knowing when to go. I'm exhausted to worry, exhausted to think, exhausted to exist. I've started to sleep for long periods of time (up to 22hours) just to escape reality. I would do more drugs or drink more alcohol as a way to escape reality but sadly don't have the money for it. Actually at the start of the year I got a big amount of money as a gift from my grandparents (which has never happened before) and I thought I was gonna change things, gonna pay for the unpaid bills etc, but I spent like 90% of it to alcohol) to drink my worries away. I just feel like I can't take care of myself, of my life anymore. I am totally and completely exhausted. Ironically even after all these things, I'm too afraid to make a simple phone call to get help. I just don't know what to do.
-- I wanted to vent and kinda update what I've been going through. Any responses are appreciated!! <3
