Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[PinballWizard39]

I'm scared that when my friend gets discharged from the hospital after this last suicide attempt, she will attempt again and succeed. She's already told me as much. She's my best friend, I've known her for nearly 25 years and I've always worried I might lose her because her suicide attempts are always extreme (I'm surprised she's made it this far), but now more than ever, I feel like it's not 'if', it's 'when' and I don't know how to deal with that.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

I just finished an online therapy session, cried, made scratches on my hand with a serrated knife, cried some more, felt emptiness and went to the store to buy myself something for lunch so that it would not be that I don't eat. Now I feel tiredness combined with feelings of anger at myself, irritation and constant emotional pain in my chest. It's a good thing that today I didn't have the courage to say that I hurt myself this week after several months. I don't want to ask my parents and sibling how they see me, my good and bad qualities, whag they like me for, etc. Is this supposed to make me feel loved and my existence make sense and isn't pointless? No, I'll only feel more guilty for feeling the way I do, for hating myself, I can't cope in life, for making my existence nothing but a burden. Can this feeling disappear at all or at least be quiet for some time?

 

[pyx]

really fucking tired. can't think. just feel a sinking feeling in my chest

 

[nattanatta]

Have spent the last few days mostly crying my eyes out and feeling lonely, unwanted and rejected. I don't know what is it about me that's so unbelievably repulsive that no one cares about how I'm doing and what happens to me.

 

[enduringwinter]

My body is so gross I cant stand it. I hate my disfiguring skin condition its so painful and disgusting. I've had it all my life and the older I get the more I hate it. I hate my health issues. I hate the life conditions that caused all of this, disgusting poverty, my parents fucking me up physically as a child, destroying my life as adult. I hate hair loss and weight gain. Its a lie that as we age we stop caring and become more comfortable with our bodies. I never felt disgusted inside my own body before I turned 32. I'm too old and tired of the constant trauma that affects me visibly physically. I don't want to live as a hilariously ugly disfigured jester whose pain people laugh at. I hate physical pain and looking disgusting. I hate having nothing to my name.

 

[fleetingnight]

It's been a long time since I didn't want to get out of bed. When I stay in bed, I always want to get up, I'm just too tired. I usually dread sleeping through a day.

Not today. I have a lot to do, but I don't wanna get up. I don't want this day to be real. I wanna sleep and hope I dream about something. I really wanna take all my meds, but I know I'd just end up alive in the hospital if I did.

 

[Lullaby]

Literally can't stop crying.

Nearly two months, and ECT isn't doing anything to help. They increased my ketamine today and here I am an hour later after waking up, crying and miserable.

My family is such poison, too. My mom was in the waiting room talking to my doctor and I can't even imagine what she told him - we live together, but barely even speak.

I've been binging like insane lately because I'm so depressed, and the first thing he asks me is about my eating. It just really upset me. My mom has been poking fun at weight recently and it just hurts, because it's not out of concern.

That's what really stings is that none of my family care. I even get complaints that they have to escort me home and back from my sessions.

Then I get home and call my dad, who's essentially disappeared since I started this, and he tells me I'm not trying hard enough…This is the most drastic decision I could've taken in terms of getting better, and apparently, im not tired enough yet to want to get better. That I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

An entire of hour of that.

Everything that's happened recently has just shown me that I'm not going to make it. I've spoken about it for so many years, but i genuinely have come to terms with it now.

I'm literally holding on by a string because I don't want to leave my cat behind, but it's insanely hard. I'm tired of fighting to be alive in a world that doesn't even want me.

 

[deanh53]

I feel sad. depressed, lonely and want the pain to stop

 

[amnesia999]

My therapist "formally" diagnosed me with PTSD today. Now she gets to try to make me understand how to "heal" from it. If that's possible.

(If you had parents who were physically abusive, you might have PTSD too. As they say, "Spare the rod and you won't get to enjoy abusing your child.")

 

[NullSz00]

Extremely tired but for some reason I can't sleep.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I can't wait for this lifemare to end !!!!
I hate being alive so much !!!!
Why would anyone choose decades of poverty ????
If you need any kind of assistance, you are made to feel like you are scum !!!!
They are trying so hard to end abortion... So even more life forms will grow up poor.
Most will never get out !!!!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired.... I just want to sleep.

 

[fleetingnight]

OCD is destroying me. It's tearing me apart. I wish I felt more comfortable talking about the specifics, but I'm so nervous about going into details that might make me identifiable to people who know me
It's destroying me mentally and physically. I don't know if meds would do anything to help, but I still don't knoew why my doctors don't even wanna try them. I think doctors think I'm exaggerating and I'm choosing to do the things it makes me do. Maybe not, but even when my social anxiety and depression are treated seriously, my OCD is treated like a joke

I don't wanna name specific people in my note, especially if it seems like they didn't mean to hurt me. But the vindictive part of me wants to put partial blame on them when I CTB. I probably won't. I don't think my words could matter enough to make them change their ways, so the revenge would be pointless

 

[enduringwinter]

I cant stand any of this. I hate being a woman so much. I cant stand women. Everyone is inane. The world wasnt like this when I was younger, sure my life sucked and I was dirt poor but being female didnt suck this bad. I miss the world before social media and whatever tf else that made life like this

 

[mikgazer6]

Disconnected and alien

 

[wCvML2]

under-stimulated... working in the same dead-end braindead job for a year nonstop has made me crave uni, only 2 months left until I can quit this job

 

[nattanatta]

Don't quite understand why I'm still here, prolonging this utterly meaningless existence. I'm barely even alive anyway. It's like I'm a ghost.

 

[Final_Choice]

I'm pretty lonely, I want someone I can talk to about my passions about and they can talk to me about theirs and we can support each other through what we're going through. Even if it's online every couple of days or week with no real commitment, but I can't really connect with anyone deep enough to get to that level.

Also, I'm really hungry since I'm barely eating, had to take out student loans just to pay for medical bills and necessities since they were cheaper than personal loans.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Cold. Feet are freezing

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hey, guys.

It's been a while since I've been here, but I'm still alive.
In addition to my mental illness, I've been diagnosed with a physical illness.
The damn pain has worn me down.
Now I'm not only depressed, but a physically sick piece of shit.

 

[Bleneviola]

I'm so so so emotionally exhausted. Physically drained. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[Gangrel]

Drained emotionally and physically, also lonely.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

It might be time for me to end it. Fuck my life making my condition worse f for 3 years. Shattering all my dreams. What is my life worth anyway

 

[WallowingWillow]

I am royally pissed off that I woke up this morning. I want no part of this life or world anymore. Full of anxiety and racing thoughts about the dumbest shit, like the fact that my kitchen is a total mess and I should clean it but what's the point.

 

[Danby]

Depressed, and more suicidal than I've been in a while. Feeling like all hope is lost and nothing will get better. Thisclose to finishing ordering a shotgun and shells and starting the countdown to ctb. Trying to find something to cheer me up and make me feel better.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Really quite scared. I had a load of missed calls from the mental health team today, they even called my sister when they couldn't get hold of me. When I did speak to them, it sounds like someone realised I should have had a follow up call after I said something to them a few weeks ago. I called the out of hours really upset (a few weeks back) and the woman upset me and I ended up blurting out I bought poison online (I know, I'm a f*cking idiot). I thought she just ignored me but turns out it was noted as my own worker, fresh back from holiday, called me to ask me about it. I'm seeing her tomorrow and said maybe I'd talk, but I'm more worried I'll be sectioned if I tell the truth. Then again, the mental health team doesn't do much these days, so they'll probably deem me little risk if I admit to anything, because you know, if I was someone to worry about, I wouldn't talk about it. I just want to take everything back now so that I can just disappear in peace.

 

[anon554]

Honestly guilty and tired. I'm moving but it's like I'm going through my day out of spite for myself.

 

[CTB Dream]

This rly keep sffr no end rly awfl wrld

 

[AmIForReal]

My heart is racing. Only slept a couple of hours and I have to get up now. The reason is my therapist.

 

[fleetingnight]

There's a panic attack bubbling under the surface of my thoughts, but I'm soothing myself with alcohol. I can't think about it, so I'm not letting myself