Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[fleetingnight]

I can't stop thinking that I'm worse than useless. In fact, I'm trying as hard as I can to be only useless. It's nice to make things better, but I don't think I can, so the second best is to try to not make them any worse. I don't think I ever will be anything but a burden, but I'll try to avoid thinking about that for a while, lol

I don't rlly believe people need to do anything to serve society to deserve to live, but I put that responsibility on myself. I guess it's how most of the world works, so I have to accept it, or catch the bus. People who swear by it being the key to living a good life do seem much happier than I am. I wonder, if I trick myself into believing that, if I'd feel better

 

[amnesia999]

I wish I weren't so afraid of meeting new people irl. It would be really nice to have some friends, especially if they were as friendly as my therapist is.

It would also be nice if I could get myself unstuck from this tedious job I have. I've spent so many years in jobs I hated.

Thinking about it makes me very depressed.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I seem to be being triggered an awful lot by the mental health team lately. I end up getting pissy with them because they trigger off that 'I don't matter' script that I have in my from years of being treated like such. They were supposed to call me yesterday to check up on me, but surprise, surprise, no one called. This means that when I finally do speak to someone at some point, I'm going to be pissed off from the get - go, no matter who it is.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

I just came back here yesterday and everyone was so nice to me, no bad comments, hate, blaming, just nice. I had a happy cry from two replies. Today I didn't cut myself and I don't want to, but you know, today is still a day.
Now I'm thinking if I should tell me therapist I cut myself yesterday and two days ago or I should write to my psychiatric first (they both great btw) and I don't know what to do. I know I should tell someone, but I'm scared. Over a year, I made some progress with my mental health, but one thing didn't change, I still hate myself, I want to suffer and disappear.
okay, now I'm crying bc I can't write a fckng email and I had 3 weeks to do that

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm in such a bad mood, that every little thing makes me miserable. Every tiny mistake is just another reason I'm not fit to be alive. Small inconveniences cost me half the energy I have in a day to fix, so if I don't do everything perfectly, the day is pretty much ruined. I have to try and pull myself together to meet with a friend for some plans we made. I have to force myself not to think about my house full of trash because I never have energy to clean, my debt, my job I suck at, my boss and coworkers who already hate me, the pain I'm in, my exhaustion, the economy, the elections, the wars going on, and every other awful thing that happens every day, so I don't start sobbing in front of them. I'll get through it, I'm sure, I'll just say something offputting or seem rude by being too quiet, hate myself even more for it, refuse to change anything, and drink to calm myself down instead

I don't know what else to do any more besides spam this website with stupid complaints about the same old thing, and hope that one day I'll get the courage and resources to be done with all of this

 

[mikuhappy]

so tired, working and studying is killing me

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm scared that when my friend gets discharged from the hospital after this last suicide attempt, she will attempt again and succeed. She's already told me as much. She's my best friend, I've known her for nearly 25 years and I've always worried I might lose her because her suicide attempts are always extreme (I'm surprised she's made it this far), but now more than ever, I feel like it's not 'if', it's 'when' and I don't know how to deal with that.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

I just finished an online therapy session, cried, made scratches on my hand with a serrated knife, cried some more, felt emptiness and went to the store to buy myself something for lunch so that it would not be that I don't eat. Now I feel tiredness combined with feelings of anger at myself, irritation and constant emotional pain in my chest. It's a good thing that today I didn't have the courage to say that I hurt myself this week after several months. I don't want to ask my parents and sibling how they see me, my good and bad qualities, whag they like me for, etc. Is this supposed to make me feel loved and my existence make sense and isn't pointless? No, I'll only feel more guilty for feeling the way I do, for hating myself, I can't cope in life, for making my existence nothing but a burden. Can this feeling disappear at all or at least be quiet for some time?

 

[lamargue]

really fucking tired. can't think. just feel a sinking feeling in my chest

 

[nattanatta]

Have spent the last few days mostly crying my eyes out and feeling lonely, unwanted and rejected. I don't know what is it about me that's so unbelievably repulsive that no one cares about how I'm doing and what happens to me.

 

[enduringwinter]

My body is so gross I cant stand it. I hate my disfiguring skin condition its so painful and disgusting. I've had it all my life and the older I get the more I hate it. I hate my health issues. I hate the life conditions that caused all of this, disgusting poverty, my parents fucking me up physically as a child, destroying my life as adult. I hate hair loss and weight gain. Its a lie that as we age we stop caring and become more comfortable with our bodies. I never felt disgusted inside my own body before I turned 32. I'm too old and tired of the constant trauma that affects me visibly physically. I don't want to live as a hilariously ugly disfigured jester whose pain people laugh at. I hate physical pain and looking disgusting. I hate having nothing to my name.

 

[fleetingnight]

It's been a long time since I didn't want to get out of bed. When I stay in bed, I always want to get up, I'm just too tired. I usually dread sleeping through a day.

Not today. I have a lot to do, but I don't wanna get up. I don't want this day to be real. I wanna sleep and hope I dream about something. I really wanna take all my meds, but I know I'd just end up alive in the hospital if I did.

 

[Lullaby]

Literally can't stop crying.

Nearly two months, and ECT isn't doing anything to help. They increased my ketamine today and here I am an hour later after waking up, crying and miserable.

My family is such poison, too. My mom was in the waiting room talking to my doctor and I can't even imagine what she told him - we live together, but barely even speak.

I've been binging like insane lately because I'm so depressed, and the first thing he asks me is about my eating. It just really upset me. My mom has been poking fun at weight recently and it just hurts, because it's not out of concern.

That's what really stings is that none of my family care. I even get complaints that they have to escort me home and back from my sessions.

Then I get home and call my dad, who's essentially disappeared since I started this, and he tells me I'm not trying hard enough…This is the most drastic decision I could've taken in terms of getting better, and apparently, im not tired enough yet to want to get better. That I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

An entire of hour of that.

Everything that's happened recently has just shown me that I'm not going to make it. I've spoken about it for so many years, but i genuinely have come to terms with it now.

I'm literally holding on by a string because I don't want to leave my cat behind, but it's insanely hard. I'm tired of fighting to be alive in a world that doesn't even want me.

 

[deanh53]

I feel sad. depressed, lonely and want the pain to stop

 

[amnesia999]

My therapist "formally" diagnosed me with PTSD today. Now she gets to try to make me understand how to "heal" from it. If that's possible.

(If you had parents who were physically abusive, you might have PTSD too. As they say, "Spare the rod and you won't get to enjoy abusing your child.")

 

[NullSz00]

Extremely tired but for some reason I can't sleep.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I can't wait for this lifemare to end !!!!
I hate being alive so much !!!!
Why would anyone choose decades of poverty ????
If you need any kind of assistance, you are made to feel like you are scum !!!!
They are trying so hard to end abortion... So even more life forms will grow up poor.
Most will never get out !!!!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired.... I just want to sleep.

 

[fleetingnight]

OCD is destroying me. It's tearing me apart. I wish I felt more comfortable talking about the specifics, but I'm so nervous about going into details that might make me identifiable to people who know me
It's destroying me mentally and physically. I don't know if meds would do anything to help, but I still don't knoew why my doctors don't even wanna try them. I think doctors think I'm exaggerating and I'm choosing to do the things it makes me do. Maybe not, but even when my social anxiety and depression are treated seriously, my OCD is treated like a joke

I don't wanna name specific people in my note, especially if it seems like they didn't mean to hurt me. But the vindictive part of me wants to put partial blame on them when I CTB. I probably won't. I don't think my words could matter enough to make them change their ways, so the revenge would be pointless

 

[enduringwinter]

I cant stand any of this. I hate being a woman so much. I cant stand women. Everyone is inane. The world wasnt like this when I was younger, sure my life sucked and I was dirt poor but being female didnt suck this bad. I miss the world before social media and whatever tf else that made life like this

 

[mikgazer6]

Disconnected and alien

 

[wCvML2]

under-stimulated... working in the same dead-end braindead job for a year nonstop has made me crave uni, only 2 months left until I can quit this job

 

[nattanatta]

Don't quite understand why I'm still here, prolonging this utterly meaningless existence. I'm barely even alive anyway. It's like I'm a ghost.

 

[Final_Choice]

I'm pretty lonely, I want someone I can talk to about my passions about and they can talk to me about theirs and we can support each other through what we're going through. Even if it's online every couple of days or week with no real commitment, but I can't really connect with anyone deep enough to get to that level.

Also, I'm really hungry since I'm barely eating, had to take out student loans just to pay for medical bills and necessities since they were cheaper than personal loans.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Cold. Feet are freezing

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hey, guys.

It's been a while since I've been here, but I'm still alive.
In addition to my mental illness, I've been diagnosed with a physical illness.
The damn pain has worn me down.
Now I'm not only depressed, but a physically sick piece of shit.

 

[Bleneviola]

I'm so so so emotionally exhausted. Physically drained. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[Gangrel]

Drained emotionally and physically, also lonely.

 

[arnxxx]

It might be time for me to end it. Fuck my life making my condition worse f for 3 years. Shattering all my dreams. What is my life worth anyway

 

[WallowingWillow]

I am royally pissed off that I woke up this morning. I want no part of this life or world anymore. Full of anxiety and racing thoughts about the dumbest shit, like the fact that my kitchen is a total mess and I should clean it but what's the point.