Sometimes the feelings I have for him cause me chest to feel like it's swelling up inside. They become so strong that it hurts and I find myself having the urge to do anything to ensure that he stays in love with me. I want to push myself further to prove my dedication to him, but I can't think of what to do. I find myself scared of him one day getting bored of me and just moving on. I've also found that, unless I'm high, I have trouble with continuing conversations with him. I want to keep on talking to him but I don't know what to say.
I also have doubts about even being able to graduate. It's becoming more apparent to me that I'm likely never going to accomplish that goal. I'm just going to go as far as I can and then kill myself I guess. I don't feel sad about it or anything, just indifferent. I know I've already said this before, but as much as I love my parents I can't help but wish that they never gave birth to me. I don't like being alive and that's not the fault of anyone, I just don't find life to be that appealing to me. I'm already tired of all of this.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm a very moody person and little things seem to set me off, which I don't like. I do think I am in a bit of a better place mentally, but then I think back to all of the times when even a slight amount of stress was enough to set me off and I question whether I'm doing that much better or not.
On a brighter note, I've been feeling horny lately, which turns out was because my period was about to come. I have PCOS, so period usually either comes late or not at all, so the fact that my period has been coming on time for the past few times is a good thing.
