Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[fleetingnight]

There's a panic attack bubbling under the surface of my thoughts, but I'm soothing myself with alcohol. I can't think about it, so I'm not letting myself

 

[deathtakeme]

I'm stuck

 

[Trying To Live]

Tired, alone, depressed

 

[Steff1337]

I write how I'm feeling in my own thread, which is this one: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...nting-and-random-thoughts.174366/post-2649637

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, I'm feeling great because I just got back my final grade for my last class and I passed (I did a lot better than I expected). I thought that I was going to fail and I would fail and that it would end with me getting suspended again.

 

[amnesia999]

My arm hurts. Not that I can complain because it's where I cut myself. Life is very stressful at the moment due to money issues.

 

[nattanatta]

Even when I have a bit better and lighter days, I still always end up feeling sad and lost by the end of the day. Everyone else is moving on with their lives, doing big and important things surrounded by people who deeply care about them, and here am I, drowning in my never-ending despair and sadness, all alone.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Like a patient on an operating table who's had her insides taken out and is just lying there open for all to see. I was backed into a corner and 'found' out. They know everything. I feel vulnerable but at the same time, they acknowledged they couldn't stop me. That should be comforting, and it is, but it isn't at the same time.

 

[Mayfly]

It hurts more than dying ever could

 

[PinballWizard39]

I have to face my manager today after having to leave early for my assessment yesterday. He didn't seem happy at all, and I don't blame him. At least it's a half day today. With my head being where it's at right now, I'm thinking that today might be the day my life comes to a close.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Things are finally looking up a bit, after a failed CTB attempt that got me a grippy sock vacation.

I'm flying to a different part of the country in a few hours. I'll be going back to school for a bachelor's degree after dropping out quite a while ago. I've also made it pretty far in the interview process for a part time job as an ER tech, despite odds being stacked against me as someone who is not local and only has the right credentials but no previous experience in healthcare.

Even though I'm shaking like a chihuahua from all the caffeine, stuffing my face with junk food like a pig hog, and chain smoking like a chimney right now, I actually feel excited about what life has in store for me, for the first time in like forever.

Maybe this is going to be a new start for me. Going forward, I'll still be on SS for the foreseeable future but likely not as active.

 

[n4n4m1]

Love. I adore my boyfriend, and I can't wait for the moment when I tell him that I love him. Already makes me tear up just thinking about it :') Man things do go better

 

[Thisisnotaname]

FK Fk FK Fk!!!
More I think about it less i'm confident to not do a shitty thing before...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Sometimes the feelings I have for him cause me chest to feel like it's swelling up inside. They become so strong that it hurts and I find myself having the urge to do anything to ensure that he stays in love with me. I want to push myself further to prove my dedication to him, but I can't think of what to do. I find myself scared of him one day getting bored of me and just moving on. I've also found that, unless I'm high, I have trouble with continuing conversations with him. I want to keep on talking to him but I don't know what to say.

I also have doubts about even being able to graduate. It's becoming more apparent to me that I'm likely never going to accomplish that goal. I'm just going to go as far as I can and then kill myself I guess. I don't feel sad about it or anything, just indifferent. I know I've already said this before, but as much as I love my parents I can't help but wish that they never gave birth to me. I don't like being alive and that's not the fault of anyone, I just don't find life to be that appealing to me. I'm already tired of all of this.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm a very moody person and little things seem to set me off, which I don't like. I do think I am in a bit of a better place mentally, but then I think back to all of the times when even a slight amount of stress was enough to set me off and I question whether I'm doing that much better or not.

On a brighter note, I've been feeling horny lately, which turns out was because my period was about to come. I have PCOS, so period usually either comes late or not at all, so the fact that my period has been coming on time for the past few times is a good thing.

 

[Deleted member 98675]

Tired and weak.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I want to get a knife, stab it deep into my arm, and drag it down the length of it.

 

[BoulderSoWhat]

I'm sitting with coffee now. A new job is starting for me next week. Attempted CTB a couple months ago. Living life alone. Sometimes I go to a cat rescue and hang out with cats for hours.

Materials from my attempt are still in my car. I got setup with therapy and a psychiatrist after leaving inpatient after the attempt. But I don't think anything when I see the stuff, it's like it's not even there. But I'm not blocking things out like it didn't happen.

If feeling nothing, trying to not be attached to things, if that could ever become a kind of resilience, I guess that is what things feel like right now for me.

Best regards everyone, wishing strength to all.

 

[fleetingnight]

I don't want to live, I don't want to die, they both sound terrible. I hate both, so there will never be any escape to suffering for me. I just want it to be over, I'm tired.

 

[amnesia999]

The knife blade slices
Crying tears of bright red blood
And then I relax


(OK sorry I never said I was a poet)

 

[Mayfly]

He made me block him on everything

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I found out that one of my best friends tried to shoot his shot with my sister (the normal one) and of course he was rejected (he's more incel than me but is mostly in denial about it) and now she feels pretty awkward around him. I was gonna confront him and go give him at least a verbal ass-beating but he just caught Covid meaning I'd come out of that fight worse off for it due to my weaker immune system.

Apparently this was a couple weeks ago and both he and my sister have acted pretty normal since then but I'm still upset for some reason. Is it because my friend didn't think to ask me first? I'm pretty sure that's part of the bro code, isn't it? He doesn't have siblings so he probably doesn't give a fuck. At the very least he probably should have consulted with me first about his feelings so I could have saved him the rejection by telling him in advance that he had no chance. Is that maybe why he didn't want to consult with me though?

I don't want to have to cut him off but I fear I may have to. The dude's been telling me really cringe stuff about how he's interested in some of the girls in his classes who I'm pretty sure are all 17 or 18 and he's almost 30. Even ignoring that the fact he thought he even had a chance with my sister shows how far into delusion he's gone so there might really be no hope for him.

 

[-Link-]

This is me, resisting the temptation to get involved in that total train wreck of a thread.

 

[CTB Dream]

This rly awfl wrld no thing chng alws dtriort rly nonsns wrld me no resn stay

 

[enduringwinter]

I feel like shit. My eyes sting from chemical fumes. Then my mom called and kept talking about the thing spend all my energy to avoid thinking of... that is the best time of my life was wasted on this stupid citizenship endeavour. Who does she think did this to me, she will never own up to it. We are so incompatible man she keeps fucking me up and then loses her mind. Before this was the stupid major she forced me to pick, which I barely recovered from. And more before before etc. I hate that her solution to all of this is for me to have a husband omfg stfu!! I fucking hate this society man wtf

 

[CantTurnBack]

I wish I never saw the truth. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant again, but those days are gone.

 

[CTB Dream]

Awfl cncpt lif need stop ,me no posbl get any nly pain sffr

 

[enduringwinter]

I dont know why my mother always comes to me to prod about my health issues and frames shitty medical practices as my fault. Like it's not because I'm lazy and sitting on my ass that I can't get a fucking appointment and test results dont come. This happens to other shit too for example visas. She will never accept anything done by western government can be shitty! She does nothing but complain about her country's government all day and night but I can't. Tbf she also said ok get over it when I told her about my CSA which yeah I was over it so I dont care but this "western systems cant be shitty everything is your fault" shite is especially fucking annoying

 

[Mayfly]

I'm a liar and a fraud; I really do have no one left and that should be motivation enough

 

[stayedtoolong]

I'm feeling very lonely also not tired enough to sleep which is making me sad a bit.

 

[wCvML2]

I feel anxious of going back to education after several years of extreme brain rotting. I always was incompetent and stupid, but now it is amplified.