To_bareTo_tear
Member
- May 30, 2026
- 44
it feels weird being given attention sometimes. It doesn't matter it's form, be it online likes or someone deciding they want my name and number. It's not like I don't understand why people want to interact with me, if you put something of value of the table be it a joke, your looks or simply a certain vibe; of course people are interested. But whenever I have someone looking at me, I feel somewhat dreadful for some reason. I always feel, always know, I just need to be a little less; funny, cool, interesting etc. and all that happiness and validation at being given attention will be gone because there's no reason to give you attention anymore. It's not painful it's just inevitable to me like running in a race and midway you realize and know you're not going to catch up with anyone their all so far away and you'll never be next to them. You just can't run that fast as simple as that.
This isn't to say I hate being given attention, I'm happy to be appreciated. But It's hard to happy for long with this logic. If I had to tie it somewhere it'd be from my mom (most of my problems are from her..) after every argument when I was still somewhat young (mostly before 14 because at that age I really did truly start to hate her) she'd always hug and tell me how much she loved me if I said I was sorry, it made me happy in those moments I felt so accepted like I had so much value but then it'd dissipate the moment she'd hit me for being bad again. Everytime she'd comfort me I learnt to hold my breath and accept that deep down I could never accept it, never be loved because it'd hurt me more when I can't give her the image of a "good child" she needs.
And maybe that's why. Why I can't seem to care about people's opinions on me, why I can't have any friends for too long, and can't accept the idea of trying to be friends with someone. everyone is just someone I know. Friend is a shorter word for it. I'm alone in the sense I don't know how to trust being together.
Tldr; trauma from my mommy makes me an emotionally distant sore loser chud
This isn't to say I hate being given attention, I'm happy to be appreciated. But It's hard to happy for long with this logic. If I had to tie it somewhere it'd be from my mom (most of my problems are from her..) after every argument when I was still somewhat young (mostly before 14 because at that age I really did truly start to hate her) she'd always hug and tell me how much she loved me if I said I was sorry, it made me happy in those moments I felt so accepted like I had so much value but then it'd dissipate the moment she'd hit me for being bad again. Everytime she'd comfort me I learnt to hold my breath and accept that deep down I could never accept it, never be loved because it'd hurt me more when I can't give her the image of a "good child" she needs.
And maybe that's why. Why I can't seem to care about people's opinions on me, why I can't have any friends for too long, and can't accept the idea of trying to be friends with someone. everyone is just someone I know. Friend is a shorter word for it. I'm alone in the sense I don't know how to trust being together.
Tldr; trauma from my mommy makes me an emotionally distant sore loser chud
