vents

[funeraleveryday]

Sometimes people abandon you bc your life is too hard and it makes them uncomfortable, and then you learn from that, and the lesson is to never inconvenience anyone or get close to anyone, because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I still have a reassurance seeking, attention, connection seeking instinct from being human. Don't I have a duty to make my life tolerable? Don't I have a duty to do what I can to contribute to society and in order to do that I need to fulfill a hierarchy of needs? What is even the best thing to do? Pretend to be someone I'm not, hidden by distance and mystery? But never getting close. This is why I don't care about your measly "avoidant attachment" struggles. Grow up and Get over it. See? I'm furious. I don't have the temperament to be sympathetic. It's quite difficult.
This is all me bartering with my own guilt. I know i am not worthy of connection and nobody owes me anything bc I'm sick and it makes me unpleasant as company. I learned recently that the world was chaos after breaking out of the cult brainwashing i had which had me convinced everything must have a moral or spiritual significance and that all suffering is a result of some moral or spiritual ailment, demonic possession, a curse, what have you. But that's not the case. My ocd has me ask why, why, for everything. It has me trying to understand people who have wronged me. The truth? I reacted so they prodded, and sometimes people get unlucky with life circumstances because the world is randomized chaos. Suddenly I feel like it's possible that my moral/spiritual ocd might have a conclusion…? We'll see.

 

[NonBinaryPiano]

Im happy finding another person with OCD on here, ruminating is a horrible thing, a horrible cycle.

I agree so much, I feel like I owe people a meek version of myself, someone without the MDD and anxiety and intrusive thoughts, someone palatable, someone to vent to.

Its tiring, its exhausting, and after a lifetime of it its sickening. I dont feel that we, or anyone really, owes meekness like that, the struggle is complicated, and that scares people away, people dont like complicated because they want to go about their lives never having to think of depression or suicide or anything negative like that.

But its reality, its reality and we shouldn't feel that way.

I hope we both find people who understand, who dont shy away

 

[funeraleveryday]

Im happy finding another person with OCD on here, ruminating is a horrible thing, a horrible cycle.

I agree so much, I feel like I owe people a meek version of myself, someone without the MDD and anxiety and intrusive thoughts, someone palatable, someone to vent to.

Its tiring, its exhausting, and after a lifetime of it its sickening. I dont feel that we, or anyone really, owes meekness like that, the struggle is complicated, and that scares people away, people dont like complicated because they want to go about their lives never having to think of depression or suicide or anything negative like that.

But its reality, its reality and we shouldn't feel that way.

I hope we both find people who understand, who dont shy away

Thank you for your response. I don't envy those who people please as a result of their ocd. I do it sometimes. But I've always been a fighter, and ive found the outcomes to be worse than when i fawn, because people hate you rather than find you somewhat convenient, it hurts to be hated, then you ruminate more. I'm not sure what the conclusion is. My logic tells me it's silly to believe the world must abide by an underlying rule or that people have to be consistent. Im integrating chaos