vents

[funeraleveryday]

Sometimes people abandon you bc your life is too hard and it makes them uncomfortable, and then you learn from that, and the lesson is to never inconvenience anyone or get close to anyone, because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I still have a reassurance seeking, attention, connection seeking instinct from being human. Don't I have a duty to make my life tolerable? Don't I have a duty to do what I can to contribute to society and in order to do that I need to fulfill a hierarchy of needs? What is even the best thing to do? Pretend to be someone I'm not, hidden by distance and mystery? But never getting close. This is why I don't care about your measly "avoidant attachment" struggles. Grow up and Get over it. See? I'm furious. I don't have the temperament to be sympathetic. It's quite difficult.
This is all me bartering with my own guilt. I know i am not worthy of connection and nobody owes me anything bc I'm sick and it makes me unpleasant as company. I learned recently that the world was chaos after breaking out of the cult brainwashing i had which had me convinced everything must have a moral or spiritual significance and that all suffering is a result of some moral or spiritual ailment, demonic possession, a curse, what have you. But that's not the case. My ocd has me ask why, why, for everything. It has me trying to understand people who have wronged me. The truth? I reacted so they prodded, and sometimes people get unlucky with life circumstances because the world is randomized chaos. Suddenly I feel like it's possible that my moral/spiritual ocd might have a conclusion…? We'll see.