Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Contemplating about writing again on SaSu after a couple of years of hiatus while actually writing it.
I don't know what to do with myself. I've made a new series of bad decisions and now am into the clutches of my immense anxiety again. I can't hold on, but I still go on. So afraid of pain. Want to LIVE in spite of all. What a dumbass.
Can someone order a hit on me please?

 

[PinballWizard39]

What am I feeling today? Pretty shitty. The crisis teams are ignoring so many people and even discharging them because they are too complex or not easily treated.
My best friend tried to CTB today and it was me that had to initiate ambulances and the such. The thing that really pisses me off is that she told the crisis team how she was feeling and told them she had plans and such. I'm sat here wondering if she'll be ok when I go and visit tomorrow.

 

[stayedtoolong]

Boring and bored at the moment.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I want to curl up in a ball and die. Anxiety is through the roof. Extremely sad. Cold and it's summer.
I want to sleep. I already slept in today.
Life is unnecessary.

 

[fleetingnight]

Pain. So much physical pain. I want to sleep it off, but I slept all day already, and I have a lot to do.
I've been ruminating on that fear of looking repulsive when I die ever since I first posted about it. I don't really know what I'm gonna do about that, but I can't stop thinking about it.

 

[lemonbunny]

intensely lonely and rejected. it doesn't matter what i do, i will never be one of them

 

[PinballWizard39]

I saved my friends life yesterday after she tried to kill herself. I went to see her today and all I could hear was her wailing about how she just wanted to die and how she should have tried harder. I feel for her. I didn't/don't know what to say. I feel the same way about me, I wish I could die, yet I had to find some way of comforting her despite feeling like a hippocrite.
I called my MH team this afternoon, someone should have called me in the week to check on me, but nothing, so I figured I'd call. I wish I hadn't. He told me all I needed to do was to keep distracted, take my PRN (diazepam) and just be grateful he even called me back in the first place.
Thinking about CTB is higher than ever. I have all the stuff to do the SN protocol and a bit part of me wants to do it tonight, just get it done with. The other part of me just want's to dose myself up on diazepam and zopiclone and knock myself out- I am half way there. I have an aromatherapy massage booked for tomorrow to help destress me but I just feel like I should cancel because I just don't deserve good things.

I saved my friends life yesterday after she tried to kill herself. I went to see her today and all I could hear was her wailing about how she just wanted to die and how she should have tried harder. I feel for her. I didn't/don't know what to say. I feel the same way about me, I wish I could die, yet I had to find some way of comforting her despite feeling like a hippocrite.
I called my MH team this afternoon, someone should have called me in the week to check on me, but nothing, so I figured I'd call. I wish I hadn't. He told me all I needed to do was to keep distracted, take my PRN (diazepam) and just be grateful he even called me back in the first place.
Thinking about CTB is higher than ever. I have all the stuff to do the SN protocol and a bit part of me wants to do it tonight, just get it done with. The other part of me just want's to dose myself up on diazepam and zopiclone and knock myself out- I am half way there. I have an aromatherapy massage booked for tomorrow to help destress me but I just feel like I should cancel because I just don't deserve good things.

Plus I got the all clear from the burns unit. Now I'm just really self conscious again as the scar is unmissable and I have to pretend it doesn't bother me until it actually doesn't. It does look kind of like a birthmark so I might tell that to people who don't know me. My sister decided to name it Kneil because it's all around my knee area - it's how my family deals with it lol

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Anxiety, please take me fast forward into the future, I need to know if I am wasting my time and if I'll succeed in anything... PLEASE, I feel every second of my life on my skin crawling...

 

[rozeske]

Been thinking how funny it is that my screams were muffled never to be heard but my silence apparently is deafening.

 

[LostInTheWoods]

If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. but If you've made your peace, then you'll see the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth.

 

[nattanatta]

I know I still have some life inside of me. There's still some will to keep on living. At the same time, it feels like my life has been falling apart for the past three months, and everything's just getting worse and worse. I've tried and tried, yet nothing gets better. I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed by this.

 

[fleetingnight]

This is me wanting to find a way to survive and wanting to die:

(I guess I could've explained this with words, but this is more accurate)
I'm basically planning for the event of my life and my death, just in case. Unsurprisingly, that's ineffective and exhausting. But I can't get myself to stop/pick one

 

[mikuhappy]

I'm lonely and sad, I don't have anyone in my life no friends

 

[CTB Dream]

Wthr rly incrs hot rly awfl

 

[Leiden]

More suffering that I can handle. Out of my mind with fear and panic so bad because of it all. Terrorized, tormented to the point of insanity.

 

[amnesia999]

It's a startled sensation
LIKE I'M UNDER SEDATION ---

 

[nattanatta]

Keep thinking how I'd like to order my SN already, but it makes me nervous since 1) it won't be a very straight-forward process and 2) a tiny part of me still wants to have hope for a better future. But I'm constantly crying, can't consentrate on almost anything, and this endless despair never leaves my body and mind. Why am I still here? What the hell is the point?

 

[watchdog]

i miss my boyfriend very much and I wish i could talk things out with him

 

[PinballWizard39]

You know when one relatively simple thing get's blown out of all proportion and you just lose it? I ordered all my repeat prescriptions last week, including my diazepam and I went to pick it up today. I used the last of the diazepam last noght and woke up feeling pretty awful this morning. I figured it was going to be a diazepam kind of day to get me through it. BUT the surgery hadn't re-ordered it and I was bullshitted all day on and off as to whether it would be done or not done and I just lost my shit. I cut my wrist but then the mental health team called while I called and Idk.. it just felt likejust fucking kill me now, I can't do it. I finally got it done about tea time, but still, I just want to be unconscious and dead.
I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow but I can see that being a shit show as it is. I really don't want to be breathing or conscious right night

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I wish everyone a peaceful exit from this shithole planet and it's shittier people.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired.... Just want to sleep and not wake up.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

In five days I turn 30.5 years old. Great knowing I've wasted half a year not even committing to suicide plans. Instead I've just been waffling about over a woman who doesn't even like me and yet I'm too stupid and evil to just get over her. My anxious ass won't even move on until the girl of my dreams breaks into my house and proposes on the spot but that's impossible. No such person exists. I should just die already but I won't because I'm so incompetent and lazy.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Contemplating about writing again on SaSu after a couple of years of hiatus while actually writing it.
I don't know what to do with myself. I've made a new series of bad decisions and now am into the clutches of my immense anxiety again. I can't hold on, but I still go on. So afraid of pain. Want to LIVE in spite of all. What a dumbass.
Can someone order a hit on me please?

Sorry, no one can order a hit on you.
But someone did order a big hug.

PS: It was me, I ordered it

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm in a good mood right now since I finished my last exam yesterday and my bf has gone back to messaging me again. Turns out he was in the hospital. He says he is fine so I'm going to just take his word for it.

 

[fleetingnight]

I can't stop thinking that I'm worse than useless. In fact, I'm trying as hard as I can to be only useless. It's nice to make things better, but I don't think I can, so the second best is to try to not make them any worse. I don't think I ever will be anything but a burden, but I'll try to avoid thinking about that for a while, lol

I don't rlly believe people need to do anything to serve society to deserve to live, but I put that responsibility on myself. I guess it's how most of the world works, so I have to accept it, or catch the bus. People who swear by it being the key to living a good life do seem much happier than I am. I wonder, if I trick myself into believing that, if I'd feel better

 

[amnesia999]

I wish I weren't so afraid of meeting new people irl. It would be really nice to have some friends, especially if they were as friendly as my therapist is.

It would also be nice if I could get myself unstuck from this tedious job I have. I've spent so many years in jobs I hated.

Thinking about it makes me very depressed.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I seem to be being triggered an awful lot by the mental health team lately. I end up getting pissy with them because they trigger off that 'I don't matter' script that I have in my from years of being treated like such. They were supposed to call me yesterday to check up on me, but surprise, surprise, no one called. This means that when I finally do speak to someone at some point, I'm going to be pissed off from the get - go, no matter who it is.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

I just came back here yesterday and everyone was so nice to me, no bad comments, hate, blaming, just nice. I had a happy cry from two replies. Today I didn't cut myself and I don't want to, but you know, today is still a day.
Now I'm thinking if I should tell me therapist I cut myself yesterday and two days ago or I should write to my psychiatric first (they both great btw) and I don't know what to do. I know I should tell someone, but I'm scared. Over a year, I made some progress with my mental health, but one thing didn't change, I still hate myself, I want to suffer and disappear.
okay, now I'm crying bc I can't write a fckng email and I had 3 weeks to do that

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm in such a bad mood, that every little thing makes me miserable. Every tiny mistake is just another reason I'm not fit to be alive. Small inconveniences cost me half the energy I have in a day to fix, so if I don't do everything perfectly, the day is pretty much ruined. I have to try and pull myself together to meet with a friend for some plans we made. I have to force myself not to think about my house full of trash because I never have energy to clean, my debt, my job I suck at, my boss and coworkers who already hate me, the pain I'm in, my exhaustion, the economy, the elections, the wars going on, and every other awful thing that happens every day, so I don't start sobbing in front of them. I'll get through it, I'm sure, I'll just say something offputting or seem rude by being too quiet, hate myself even more for it, refuse to change anything, and drink to calm myself down instead

I don't know what else to do any more besides spam this website with stupid complaints about the same old thing, and hope that one day I'll get the courage and resources to be done with all of this

 

[mikuhappy]

so tired, working and studying is killing me