
mikuhappy
Student
- Feb 14, 2024
- 127
anxious, i hate my work
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Plus I got the all clear from the burns unit. Now I'm just really self conscious again as the scar is unmissable and I have to pretend it doesn't bother me until it actually doesn't. It does look kind of like a birthmark so I might tell that to people who don't know me. My sister decided to name it Kneil because it's all around my knee area - it's how my family deals with it lolI saved my friends life yesterday after she tried to kill herself. I went to see her today and all I could hear was her wailing about how she just wanted to die and how she should have tried harder. I feel for her. I didn't/don't know what to say. I feel the same way about me, I wish I could die, yet I had to find some way of comforting her despite feeling like a hippocrite.
I called my MH team this afternoon, someone should have called me in the week to check on me, but nothing, so I figured I'd call. I wish I hadn't. He told me all I needed to do was to keep distracted, take my PRN (diazepam) and just be grateful he even called me back in the first place.
Thinking about CTB is higher than ever. I have all the stuff to do the SN protocol and a bit part of me wants to do it tonight, just get it done with. The other part of me just want's to dose myself up on diazepam and zopiclone and knock myself out- I am half way there. I have an aromatherapy massage booked for tomorrow to help destress me but I just feel like I should cancel because I just don't deserve good things.
Contemplating about writing again on SaSu after a couple of years of hiatus while actually writing it.
I don't know what to do with myself. I've made a new series of bad decisions and now am into the clutches of my immense anxiety again. I can't hold on, but I still go on. So afraid of pain. Want to LIVE in spite of all. What a dumbass.
Can someone order a hit on me please?![]()