Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[outatime_85]

No one in my circle is concerned about me now while I am alive; no one will be concerned about me when my obligation is over; and no one will grieve my death.

There is no place for me in my circle.

There is no place for me in this world.

There is no more time for me to turn my life around.

I have made too many mistakes to mount a comeback.

So I sit here, pondering the following questions:

Since my life is like a dead tree, why should I or anyone else continue to water and keep a dead tree?

Why should I keep pushing my chips forward?

How do I take my chips off the table because my life is becoming more bleak by the day?

 

[tera_forest]

I feel like a soggy bowl of cereal rn

 

[PrisonPlanet]

I hate my emotionally abusive narcissistic family members who only think about themselves. If I can't find any options for where I'm going to live once my mom andd step dad kick me out next month then I'm going to ctb. I don't know why I keep putting it off. Nothing is ever going to get better, at least not before I get my college degree and have much better job options. I just hate society so much. I hate money and have always hated it ever since I was young enough to remember. When I was 17 and had my first job I was looking at the prices of rents and I knew right away that I would NEVER be able to make it on my own unless I made a LOT of money. That was back in 2004, fast forward to today and rents are even higher and even more unattainable. Again, I'll never make it on my own and I'm almost 40 and still haven't finished school. I hate this society and planet where money rules everything and you can't even do anything without money.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I remembered a user who CTBed.
Now I can't stop crying.

If I were a cloud, tragedies all over the world would make me cry, my tear would nourish the earth and lives on it, and when I leave, they would see the sun again.

I go by LoiteringClouds here, but real clouds have what is mightier than my tear.

 

[trashprincess]

I'm so lonely. I need it to stop. I don't care how anymore. I just need it to stop.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I'm at work in despair.
I can't do anything right.
I'm beyond repair,
And have no energy to fight.

There is nothing I can't focus on.
I no longer can press on.
I'm damaged goods -
I feel like I'm destined to hang myself in the woods.

 

[wristcutangel]

completely exhausted and hopeless, i don't see any light at the end of the tunnel anymore and don't want to either.

 

[vitbar]

Indescribably lonely. Wish I had some company.

 

[outatime_85]

Having grown up the way I have (with no sense of self), becoming a people-pleaser was inevitable, as was completely destroying myself and my life.

Used, abused, traumatized, disposable, unwanted, and unloved, not respected.

I am not allowed to talk about or show my emotions, and I can't get or ask for help as the circle sees that as a weak move.

I am only allowed to feel the emotions of everyone else, while my emotions must stay turned off.

I must always be happy.

I must always make everyone else happy.

I have to keep an endless supply of happy masks because they keep breaking under the weight of my sadness.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

went out with friends last night, currently in my friends garden alone smoking bc i just wanna be alone. i guess it was fun but i just feel so empty and dead. everything is too much when its happening, but when nothings happening i feel so low and shit. im terrible to be around, i cant even join in a conversation anymore, let alone hold a one to one conversation. i just dont feel like i belong anywhere, nothing satisfies me. i dont know what to do with my life i just dont want to be alive. its too much.

 

[CTB Dream]

This rly hard do any, even if say do ltl play game etc pain come many prblm come no lobe no slf no any, no point stay

 

[Anonymus]

To live you must risk,
To die you must kill yourself.
How do you want to risk if you have no reason to live?.

//

Per viure t'has d'arriscar,
Per morir t'has de matar.
Com vols arriscar-te si no tens pas motius per viure?.

 

[Zegers]

I'm so tired, I've slept 14 hours and still tired, barely have energy to go thru the empty days.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

ANGER!!!!

I hate life, I hate that I was forced on this horrible world. My memory is shit. Work is shit. Life is shit.
Every night I pray that I don't wake up ever again.

 

[Final_Choice]

Feeling pretty neutral compared to my usual depressive and anxious self. Honestly probably the best I've felt all year. Still really wanting to die and still researching for a really good method for me, hopefully I'll get it done by the end of the year and finally get some peace.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I forgot to enroll in college this semester

I mixed up the dates for when I had to enroll and when the classes started

I might have lost all my graduation progress and have been kicked out

what the fuck

im abt to cry but thats not gonn ahelp

what the fuck


WHAT TBHE PO[JI[SDGAFKLOJ;DVSCAXKJLHNCV XSZJHIKOVSDCB HJKLNJKLSDVBFJNHOUI;B DFEWERG NMFUC K9O FUJCK
VV VCVV [/B]
oh cool this forum has antidoubleposting protection at least that's nice (:

 

[outatime_85]

Some things I hear during moments of my day and when trying to sleep

Do you really think that someone will ever want to have anything to do with you? Come on, everyone pities you.

Do you actually think that dieting and working out are going to make you better? Yes, no, You're wrong. So why try?

No One believes In you; you are always going to fail.

You don't even believe in yourself. I am trying. Stop trying; it is never going to work.

You aren't special, and your circle has ostracized you, and they're probably happier for it.

You're never going to make it, and I will always be here to tell you that your existence is pointless.

Ignoring it doesn't work, and pretending to be happy all the time is tiring, and the issue is still there, waiting for the quiet moments to strike.

The pleasure is gone, and things that used to cause happiness are worthless, and the simplest things are painful.

 

[Kikoo]

fear absolute fear
regret
hate
love

 

[ANONYMOUSM]

useless

 

[theslasher]

Modern day slavery. Underpaid and over stressed. Barely getting by.

Since life keeps on going by, might as well keep trying to escape till the day I die.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Insomnia
No Friends
Exhaustion
Can't get through the day

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly tired v awfl wthr

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

I want so badly to contribute to something life-changing, amazing, and positive but feel too inefficient to do so.

Suffering constantly from this duality between "morose, nihilistic, human-hating sociopath" and "stoic, spiritual, poetic, creative empath".

All I ever feel is this low-grade rage; it's exhausting.

I've lived vicariously my entire life (hence the username) through other people, even fictional characters.

A para-social life.

I hide in my cave, enmeshed in illusions and fantasies, rather than doing the fucking work to evolve.

I don't even feel real anymore, or tangible.

 

[Zegers]

My life has been the opposite of what i would have liked, many broken or dust-covered illusions, just a tedium of empty years.

 

[genzo]

I suffer from a severe addiction to escapism. And I don't know what to do. Escapism ( on internet reddit 4chan YouTube, anime, manga, music, watching sports...ect ) helps me escape from depression, forget everything. But it also makes me passive and feel like I'm living life drunk. Most of the time I'm not enjoying it and feel like I'm just an addict who can't live in reality normally.

I also believe that eventually I need to cut all of this completely. I'm still young enough to change my life for the better and achieve success, and I'm afraid that continuing down this path can only end in me becoming a Hikikomori (like Sato in NHK Ni Yokoso)or offing myself.


But when I cut it, the reality of my current life is just crushing. The bad memories and trauma is what hurts the most. I wish I can just erase the memories of the horrible 21 first years of my life. I am 27 now and out of that toxic environment I was in but I carry the damage with me for life. I sometimes make great progress and go on a streak of productivity but CPTSD brings me back to escaping reality again.

Another thing is loneliness and the existential dread. I'm very afraid of what's after death. I do believe in God but it's still terrifying to me. It makes it hard to care about my current life

I hope to find the resolve to change for the better and never look back.

 

[byebyemadworld]

I'm sick right now and can't go to the doctor. I have no insurance (despite living in a country with good healthcare) because I fucked up my life through procrastination.
I live on the fourth floor of a building without an elevator and it's so hard with all the stairs.
I live with my Dad who helps me but that won't work long because he is old.
I should be able to be a functioning adult.
I'm afraid all the time and can't sleep because I'm worried about my health and my Dad's health.

 

[Bobbylobby]

I feel tired from lack of sleep, stayed up all night. I feel lonely my girlfriend rarely texts back. If she leaves me I'll ctb

 

[cgrtt.brns]

i feel so off. everything is too loud and i can feel everything too much. it feels like my insides are trying to jump out of my skin. i cant focus on anything. i just want to die. its getting harder to just live day by day, i cant even think about getting a job or talking to anyone bc i just cant cope. i just want to turn to dust. i dont want to be anymore. i dont want to be a physical thing. everything is pissing me off. i just want to die.

 

[Touhou]

There are my fumos. Wow, my pillow is very comfortable. My forehead itches. I just itched it. I also just itched my ear. I need to adjust my glasses. I just pushed up my glasses with my index finger. I'm about to yawn. I yawned.

((Sorry if this isn't what you meant))

 

[outatime_85]

I deserved:
the bullying and psychological warfare done to me
the beat-downs
the rejection of my circle

I deserve:
to be ostracized.
to be socially inept
all my trauma
low self-esteem
suicidal thoughts.
the auditory hallucinations
to starve myself.
to be scarred
pain
to be hurt
to have no one to trust
to be a failure.
to feel worthless.
all the depression, anxiety, sadness, and loneliness
insomnia
nightmares
the war that rages in my mind
to die

I don't deserve:
to have the energy to eat
to feel happy
peace.
respect.
love.
family
friends.
a partner.
to feel normal.
a life.
to live.

No one around me knows because I wear my make everyone happy mask, and the only time I can take off my happy mask is when I am alone.

Only then can I have all my moments of sadness.

No one around me cares what I am feeling or thinking while I am alive, and those same people will be the ones to say why they did not ask for help when I am gone.

To which the answer is, I was raised and built for the purpose of only making people happy, not to be happy, but to be disposed of after use.

Sorry for the long, rambling, incoherent post.