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outatime_85

Warlock
May 17, 2022
740
No one in my circle is concerned about me now while I am alive; no one will be concerned about me when my obligation is over; and no one will grieve my death.

There is no place for me in my circle.

There is no place for me in this world.

There is no more time for me to turn my life around.

I have made too many mistakes to mount a comeback.

So I sit here, pondering the following questions:

Since my life is like a dead tree, why should I or anyone else continue to water and keep a dead tree?

Why should I keep pushing my chips forward?

How do I take my chips off the table because my life is becoming more bleak by the day?
 
P

PrisonPlanet

Member
Jun 14, 2023
18
I hate my emotionally abusive narcissistic family members who only think about themselves. If I can't find any options for where I'm going to live once my mom andd step dad kick me out next month then I'm going to ctb. I don't know why I keep putting it off. Nothing is ever going to get better, at least not before I get my college degree and have much better job options. I just hate society so much. I hate money and have always hated it ever since I was young enough to remember. When I was 17 and had my first job I was looking at the prices of rents and I knew right away that I would NEVER be able to make it on my own unless I made a LOT of money. That was back in 2004, fast forward to today and rents are even higher and even more unattainable. Again, I'll never make it on my own and I'm almost 40 and still haven't finished school. I hate this society and planet where money rules everything and you can't even do anything without money.
 
LoiteringClouds

LoiteringClouds

Tempus fugit
Feb 7, 2023
2,791
I remembered a user who CTBed.
Now I can't stop crying.

If I were a cloud, tragedies all over the world would make me cry, my tear would nourish the earth and lives on it, and when I leave, they would see the sun again.

I go by LoiteringClouds here, but real clouds have what is mightier than my tear.
 
LoiteringClouds

LoiteringClouds

Tempus fugit
Feb 7, 2023
2,791
I'm at work in despair.
I can't do anything right.
I'm beyond repair,
And have no energy to fight.

There is nothing I can't focus on.
I no longer can press on.
I'm damaged goods -
I feel like I'm destined to hang myself in the woods.
 
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outatime_85

Warlock
May 17, 2022
740
Having grown up the way I have (with no sense of self), becoming a people-pleaser was inevitable, as was completely destroying myself and my life.

Used, abused, traumatized, disposable, unwanted, and unloved, not respected.

I am not allowed to talk about or show my emotions, and I can't get or ask for help as the circle sees that as a weak move.

I am only allowed to feel the emotions of everyone else, while my emotions must stay turned off.

I must always be happy.

I must always make everyone else happy.

I have to keep an endless supply of happy masks because they keep breaking under the weight of my sadness.
 
cgrtt.brns

cgrtt.brns

wandering ghost (he/him)
Apr 19, 2023
703
went out with friends last night, currently in my friends garden alone smoking bc i just wanna be alone. i guess it was fun but i just feel so empty and dead. everything is too much when its happening, but when nothings happening i feel so low and shit. im terrible to be around, i cant even join in a conversation anymore, let alone hold a one to one conversation. i just dont feel like i belong anywhere, nothing satisfies me. i dont know what to do with my life i just dont want to be alive. its too much.
 
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
1,262
To live you must risk,
To die you must kill yourself.
How do you want to risk if you have no reason to live?.

//

Per viure t'has d'arriscar,
Per morir t'has de matar.
Com vols arriscar-te si no tens pas motius per viure?.
 
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Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Member
Aug 3, 2023
32
Feeling pretty neutral compared to my usual depressive and anxious self. Honestly probably the best I’ve felt all year. Still really wanting to die and still researching for a really good method for me, hopefully I’ll get it done by the end of the year and finally get some peace.
 
Oxo

Oxo

♂️ 🇧🇷 🧩 🤘 🐾
Jun 27, 2023
421
I forgot to enroll in college this semester

I mixed up the dates for when I had to enroll and when the classes started

I might have lost all my graduation progress and have been kicked out

what the fuck

im abt to cry but thats not gonn ahelp

what the fuck

🙂🔫
WHAT TBHE PO[JI[SDGAFKLOJ;DVSCAXKJLHNCV XSZJHIKOVSDCB HJKLNJKLSDVBFJNHOUI;B DFEWERG NMFUC K9O FUJCK

🙂🔫V🙂🔫🙂🔫🙂🔫🙂🔫🙂🔫🙂🔫V VCVV [/B]
oh cool this forum has antidoubleposting protection at least that's nice (:
 
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outatime_85

Warlock
May 17, 2022
740
Some things I hear during moments of my day and when trying to sleep

Do you really think that someone will ever want to have anything to do with you? Come on, everyone pities you.

Do you actually think that dieting and working out are going to make you better? Yes, no, You're wrong. So why try?

No One believes In you; you are always going to fail.

You don't even believe in yourself. I am trying. Stop trying; it is never going to work.

You aren't special, and your circle has ostracized you, and they're probably happier for it.

You're never going to make it, and I will always be here to tell you that your existence is pointless.

Ignoring it doesn't work, and pretending to be happy all the time is tiring, and the issue is still there, waiting for the quiet moments to strike.

The pleasure is gone, and things that used to cause happiness are worthless, and the simplest things are painful.
 
vicarious

vicarious

Post-Apocalyptic Sage
Jul 10, 2023
90
I want so badly to contribute to something life-changing, amazing, and positive but feel too inefficient to do so.

Suffering constantly from this duality between "morose, nihilistic, human-hating sociopath" and "stoic, spiritual, poetic, creative empath".

All I ever feel is this low-grade rage; it's exhausting.

I've lived vicariously my entire life (hence the username) through other people, even fictional characters.

A para-social life.

I hide in my cave, enmeshed in illusions and fantasies, rather than doing the fucking work to evolve.

I don't even feel real anymore, or tangible.
 
G

genzo

New Member
Aug 12, 2023
2
I suffer from a severe addiction to escapism. And I don't know what to do. Escapism ( on internet reddit 4chan YouTube, anime, manga, music, watching sports...ect ) helps me escape from depression, forget everything. But it also makes me passive and feel like I'm living life drunk. Most of the time I'm not enjoying it and feel like I'm just an addict who can't live in reality normally.

I also believe that eventually I need to cut all of this completely. I'm still young enough to change my life for the better and achieve success, and I'm afraid that continuing down this path can only end in me becoming a Hikikomori (like Sato in NHK Ni Yokoso)or offing myself.


But when I cut it, the reality of my current life is just crushing. The bad memories and trauma is what hurts the most. I wish I can just erase the memories of the horrible 21 first years of my life. I am 27 now and out of that toxic environment I was in but I carry the damage with me for life. I sometimes make great progress and go on a streak of productivity but CPTSD brings me back to escaping reality again.

Another thing is loneliness and the existential dread. I'm very afraid of what's after death. I do believe in God but it's still terrifying to me. It makes it hard to care about my current life

I hope to find the resolve to change for the better and never look back.
 
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byebyemadworld

byebyemadworld

Member
Aug 17, 2023
32
I'm sick right now and can't go to the doctor. I have no insurance (despite living in a country with good healthcare) because I fucked up my life through procrastination.
I live on the fourth floor of a building without an elevator and it's so hard with all the stairs.
I live with my Dad who helps me but that won't work long because he is old.
I should be able to be a functioning adult.
I'm afraid all the time and can't sleep because I'm worried about my health and my Dad's health.