Hopeless. Empty. Stupid.
I ask myself everyday how neurotypical people function or what it would be like to not feel the complete and utter despair I feel on a regular basis. It makes me feel defective or like how I feel is invalid or stupid. Its getting to the point I hate being in my own skin and I would do anything to not have to feel this way anymore.
I don't SH anymore in order to mask myself among my peers as normal. I used to cut and burn as a teenager. As an adult I find other ways to harm myself which has caused poor health from self medicating (cocaine, pills or weed, ect) all while excessive cigarette smoking. Most days I feel nothing, while others I feel everything, I don't know which is worse.
The hardest part is not understanding the deepest roots of the pain or even being able to attempt to grasp it due to memory deterioration, probably caused by heavy drug use and and severe insomnia for many years.
I have tried to stuff my depression down since I stopped SH, assuming I must be making progress and hoping the demons in my head would eventually shut the fuck up. They haven't. They never will. I have contemplated therapy but don't even want to put in the effort because I am so incredibly broke, it would simply be another financial stressor. I just..... don't see a point to life at all. Why do people try? What's the point? You become an adult, then you work till you can't anymore, while barely making enough to get by, then you die. Why not just skip all the meaningless bullshit and jump straight to the end?
I am new to this site, have been a lurker for a while. I finally registered because I knew if I spoke about how I was feeling to anyone I would probably get 51-50'd.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness, thank you to the creator of this site for creating a space for people to express how they feel openly without fear of retaliation. I hope everyone is doing much better than I am right now.
