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Touhou

Touhou

2hu
Mar 9, 2023
331
There are my fumos. Wow, my pillow is very comfortable. My forehead itches. I just itched it. I also just itched my ear. I need to adjust my glasses. I just pushed up my glasses with my index finger. I'm about to yawn. I yawned.

((Sorry if this isn't what you meant))
 
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outatime_85

Warlock
May 17, 2022
774
I deserved:
the bullying and psychological warfare done to me
the beat-downs
the rejection of my circle

I deserve:
to be ostracized.
to be socially inept
all my trauma
low self-esteem
suicidal thoughts.
the auditory hallucinations
to starve myself.
to be scarred
pain
to be hurt
to have no one to trust
to be a failure.
to feel worthless.
all the depression, anxiety, sadness, and loneliness
insomnia
nightmares
the war that rages in my mind
to die

I don't deserve:
to have the energy to eat
to feel happy
peace.
respect.
love.
family
friends.
a partner.
to feel normal.
a life.
to live.

No one around me knows because I wear my make everyone happy mask, and the only time I can take off my happy mask is when I am alone.

Only then can I have all my moments of sadness.

No one around me cares what I am feeling or thinking while I am alive, and those same people will be the ones to say why they did not ask for help when I am gone.

To which the answer is, I was raised and built for the purpose of only making people happy, not to be happy, but to be disposed of after use.

Sorry for the long, rambling, incoherent post.
 
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Kadaver

Kadaver

memento mori
Aug 11, 2023
42
I feel anxious and depressed.

My best friend in the world told me that he's finally getting better and he feels like I'm pulling him down to where I am. So basically my worst fear is right; I am bringing him down. I feel like he's so great and he just doesn't deserve a friend as shitty as me.

I'm jealous of him (because he has a gf), I'm possessive because I'm afraid he'll abandon me, and im always depressed and anxious to the point where it's bringing him down.

I wish I could be the friend he deserves
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
Sep 17, 2022
2,222
This rly afraid, no have slf all auto fake mchn, nonsns
 
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Space Outlaw Bunny

Space Outlaw Bunny

autistic magical girl gender neutral
Apr 29, 2023
244
I can't do anything right, I can't finish anything or do anything myself, others have to help me and I have nothing to offer, I can't calm down let alone take care of myself or something or someone, I take up space in my apartment, therapy, the things I consume could be used by others, even if I die I will be a problem and trash
 
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Ambivalent1

Ambivalent1

🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
Apr 17, 2023
3,280
I am Kenough
 
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Passersby

Passersby

Trapped in space and time
Aug 29, 2019
1,622
Fuck Everything!
 
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verifiedpanic

verifiedpanic

New Member
Aug 19, 2023
1
Hopeless. Empty. Stupid.

I ask myself everyday how neurotypical people function or what it would be like to not feel the complete and utter despair I feel on a regular basis. It makes me feel defective or like how I feel is invalid or stupid. Its getting to the point I hate being in my own skin and I would do anything to not have to feel this way anymore.

I don't SH anymore in order to mask myself among my peers as normal. I used to cut and burn as a teenager. As an adult I find other ways to harm myself which has caused poor health from self medicating (cocaine, pills or weed, ect) all while excessive cigarette smoking. Most days I feel nothing, while others I feel everything, I don't know which is worse.

The hardest part is not understanding the deepest roots of the pain or even being able to attempt to grasp it due to memory deterioration, probably caused by heavy drug use and and severe insomnia for many years.

I have tried to stuff my depression down since I stopped SH, assuming I must be making progress and hoping the demons in my head would eventually shut the fuck up. They haven't. They never will. I have contemplated therapy but don't even want to put in the effort because I am so incredibly broke, it would simply be another financial stressor. I just..... don't see a point to life at all. Why do people try? What's the point? You become an adult, then you work till you can't anymore, while barely making enough to get by, then you die. Why not just skip all the meaningless bullshit and jump straight to the end?

I am new to this site, have been a lurker for a while. I finally registered because I knew if I spoke about how I was feeling to anyone I would probably get 51-50'd.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness, thank you to the creator of this site for creating a space for people to express how they feel openly without fear of retaliation. I hope everyone is doing much better than I am right now.
 
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outatime_85

Warlock
May 17, 2022
774
Thought One:
I see that my life was and is just a game of five-card draw.

Some people in my circle were dealt a four-of-a-kind, some a royal flush, and some a five-of-a-kind.

I end up with aces and eights.

I think the game of life is rigged.

Thought Two:
No matter how many error-free choices I could have made, the circle I was born into would have found faults with those choices, and besides, the world itself is built to try to hurt people, or at least drag them into a crappy life permanently, regardless of how many good choices one makes.

Thought Three:
With all the bad choices I have accumulated in my life, having a good life or a good death now is out of the question for me.

I have tried to starve off Father Time and his tick-tock-tick-tock.

But, as most people find out, that is a fool's errand.

As I am writing this, I no longer have the strength or will to fight to cling to life.

So, I have accepted that my time is just about up.

Sorry for the long post.
 
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imonadeadline

imonadeadline

Call me Line! :P
Aug 15, 2023
82
I have this blurry feeling of sadness, grief, and guilt in my heart right now. One of our thread users, Griffith, just ctb and I was the last person he replied to. I grew somehow fond of him because we had similar interests and we had an interaction a few days prior. I know I'm supposed to feel happy that he's free from the torments of his daily life, but I wish I could've done something to make him stay. We probably would have been good friends. I don't know what to feel right now. We never met, our conversation wasn't that extensive, but I still think it would've gone somewhere. I hope that he's in peace now, I hope that he's no longer in any pain. I'll try to keep living for him and for the other people who have passed on, maybe this way I'll get to honor their lives in some way.
 
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Salvation_

Salvation_

"Please, finish my story."
Nov 25, 2020
234
Being back on campus is super depressing for me. I guess there's only bad memories of this place for me. I just need to pass my classes this year without thinking about CTB'ing. I have a fresh mindset coming in, but I worry that my mental health will decline as it always inevitably does during the semester. Then, I can start thinking about CTB'ing as a jobless graduate instead of a jobless college dropout.
 
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Daxter_87

Daxter_87

If my name is crossed out, hopefully I'm dead.
May 28, 2023
401
I feel like shit as usual; not that there's much to say. Life is a cruel, sadistic bastard for everyone - albeit to varying degrees - and I'm no exception to that. And you know what the most painful and evil part is? It is when life gives you the occasional joy that injects renewed hope into your veins, just enough to make you crave more illusory happiness and stay alive - and suffer - in the meantime.

tom and jerry life is hard GIF
 
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JustABug

JustABug

Sinking in my skin
Aug 18, 2023
115
I'm ridden with anxiety.
 
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Ferret77

Ferret77

Member
Jun 2, 2023
70
I wish they would only take me, as I am...
 
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purple_keeper

purple_keeper

Member
Jul 6, 2023
18
i feel like someone's coming for me. no one actually is but my chest feels heavy and my eyes are permanently froze open i swer.
 
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Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
516
I start my third year of university tomorrow and I'm not prepared. Am anxious, scared, and already exhausted. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't do anything to prepare. I'm falling apart and classes haven't even started yet. I'm a failure for already feeling like this even before I start, I don't belong here. I just want peace.
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
Sep 17, 2022
2,222
Rly tired this heat add injury damage make keep lose brain dtriort ,rly awfl
 
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outatime_85

Warlock
May 17, 2022
774
I don't sleep well, and if I do sleep, all the nightmares start.

I am not coping well with all these difficult feelings.

Lately I am just drinking juice and water, as this is the extent of the energy I have.

I am sitting here feeling like the walls are closing in and I am trapped.

I am filled with so much despair that it is overflowing.

Every day is a fight to try to find ways to deal with the paranoia and all these intense thoughts and feelings.

I am listening to a lot of music, etc., trying to take my focus off the noise that is pushing me closer to the edge of the ledge.

But none of it is helping, and I am not sure how long I can keep from falling off the cliff.
 
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ChantDuCygne

ChantDuCygne

Member
Aug 23, 2023
31
I just wanted to be happy… I'm so so so sorry.
 
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Maravillosa

Maravillosa

Господи помилуй — мир в Україні!
Sep 7, 2018
685
I feel kind of blah. Not particularly happy, but I am not miserable either. Perhaps I feel bored. A bit hungry, too. I long for something sweet to eat. I'm not looking forward to changing my mother's diaper or washing the dishes — but those must be done, alas.
 
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sothisisgoodbye

sothisisgoodbye

Member
May 12, 2023
11
Inescapable dread. Not excited about heading back to college, makes me miserable
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
Sep 17, 2022
2,222
Not know wat do brain dtriort lose all need ctb ,
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
8,373
ANGER !!!

Work issues about Shit I don't care about. 😡😡😡😡😡😡
 
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Penitente

Penitente

Member
Jul 28, 2023
5
Sad to the core
 
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unsaiddes

unsaiddes

Member
Apr 25, 2023
68
Undesirable, self-esteem at an all time low. Crushed by the understanding that nobody ever has and nobody ever will want me. I try not to talk about it too much or be too self deprecating because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable or annoyed, but it eats at me all the time. Being upset over the fact that I'm ugly and off-putting seems ironically vain but right now it's all I can think about.
 
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7

777cave

Member
Aug 11, 2023
38
Hopeless. Last 2 attempts to ctb didn't work and afraid nothing I try will work. Let me die!!!!!
Undesirable, self-esteem at an all time low. Crushed by the understanding that nobody ever has and nobody ever will want me. I try not to talk about it too much or be too self deprecating because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable or annoyed, but it eats at me all the time. Being upset over the fact that I'm ugly and off-putting seems ironically vain but right now it's all I can think about.
hugs
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
8,373
Intense pain. I don't want to say where, I don't know who could be on here that I might know.
I think I will have to go to the doctor. Not life threatening but I don't know how much sleep I will get tonight.
 
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R

ryzeninside25

Member
Aug 19, 2023
7
Worthless, I feel like I'm a burden on those around me. I feel like happiness is so far out of my reach as to be unobtainable. I feel lonely, unlikeable and unlovable. I feel anxious constantly fearing rejection by other's.
 
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