Leo._.
Member
- Aug 15, 2024
- 28
I'm wondering if there's something stupid in the way I think so tell me.
Not too long ago I had a few mushroom trips and they made me realize how fucked up I am, in those trips I was just happy with feeling my body, breathing and eating(extremely happy) but my ususal self always tries to make sense of things, when they really don't need to be made sense of.
My typical day is just me being stressed and miserable all the time, remembering how everyone I loved either went their own way because of circumstances or outright ditched me in a pit without care, which was the case of the person I loved most. I don't have friends, I can't possibly get a partner in this state(in every aspect) I am very underweight, I don't have the energy to eat, I don't like videogames anymore, I don't like movies or shows, I don't like hanging out with people, even just going out to take fresh air doesn't feel like anything and it's been like this for years.
I've tried killing myself many times but a few months back after almost a year being unemployed I finally got a job and I started getting interested in improving.
I took everything out of the table, I don't want new friends, partners, material stuff like even just a car, I don't give a fuck, I just wanted to improve my looks also gain muscle to be healthier and also in case one day I change my mind and most importantly become an elite master at at least my main instrument and perfect my ear, and that's not even to make me happy or make a career, it's just to cope with life. But recently my suicidal ideation came back and I'm not really improving even on the measly things I want, and people keep showing me how they don't care about me or even think I suck.
I'm 22 yet I feel like I'm too old already and I should have died when I was around 18 or maybe even not have been born because my life really isn't worth living. People keep saying you can find someone else, you have no idea what you are saying. But I really feel like I already lived everything, I got married and lived a 5 year relationship, I'veplayed every kind of game, watchedevery kind of movie and shows, been to some places etc, and when you experience things for the first few times it will never be like those, it's the reason why I don't play games anymore or watch shows, or feel like finding that platonic partner in my imagination. Am I just talking nonsense like usual? At the end of the day, when I look at nature I realize anything you say sounds dumb, because life isn't even about that, but I can't help but to fall into my memories again and think through my ugly ego
Not too long ago I had a few mushroom trips and they made me realize how fucked up I am, in those trips I was just happy with feeling my body, breathing and eating(extremely happy) but my ususal self always tries to make sense of things, when they really don't need to be made sense of.
My typical day is just me being stressed and miserable all the time, remembering how everyone I loved either went their own way because of circumstances or outright ditched me in a pit without care, which was the case of the person I loved most. I don't have friends, I can't possibly get a partner in this state(in every aspect) I am very underweight, I don't have the energy to eat, I don't like videogames anymore, I don't like movies or shows, I don't like hanging out with people, even just going out to take fresh air doesn't feel like anything and it's been like this for years.
I've tried killing myself many times but a few months back after almost a year being unemployed I finally got a job and I started getting interested in improving.
I took everything out of the table, I don't want new friends, partners, material stuff like even just a car, I don't give a fuck, I just wanted to improve my looks also gain muscle to be healthier and also in case one day I change my mind and most importantly become an elite master at at least my main instrument and perfect my ear, and that's not even to make me happy or make a career, it's just to cope with life. But recently my suicidal ideation came back and I'm not really improving even on the measly things I want, and people keep showing me how they don't care about me or even think I suck.
I'm 22 yet I feel like I'm too old already and I should have died when I was around 18 or maybe even not have been born because my life really isn't worth living. People keep saying you can find someone else, you have no idea what you are saying. But I really feel like I already lived everything, I got married and lived a 5 year relationship, I'veplayed every kind of game, watchedevery kind of movie and shows, been to some places etc, and when you experience things for the first few times it will never be like those, it's the reason why I don't play games anymore or watch shows, or feel like finding that platonic partner in my imagination. Am I just talking nonsense like usual? At the end of the day, when I look at nature I realize anything you say sounds dumb, because life isn't even about that, but I can't help but to fall into my memories again and think through my ugly ego
