Venting All I want to do is hurt myself, but I can't.

[dissociatedmess]

Someone the other day said they felt like a fraud on this site, and I mentioned I felt the same way. I'm still alive. I don't intend to kill myself at the current moment. But I'm still feeling suicidal all of the time. I feel so numbed out and disconnected from everyone. My friendships have fallen apart. I live alone.
But I have a partner (long distance) who would be so traumatized if I killed myself, or even cut myself.
I stopped cutting five years ago, maybe a little more. I'm not kidding, one day it just stopped. Now today and yesterday all I can think about is wanting to hurt myself and I have nowhere to express it. I miss being able to sit in a bath and cut myself up and that's fucking morbid but it was the only thing that made me calm.
I can't cope with the emptiness, and the loneliness, the claustrophobia, the feeling that people only love whatever mask I'm wearing that day, but nobody loves me.
And when I can't cope with all of that, I spiral even more, and then my body and my brain start to shut down.

Feeling severe panic when you literally cannot receive help... I don't know a worse feeling.
My partner feels like a total stranger to me right now, and I can't feel anything even though I love him. I have no interest in responding to him laughing about a zombie movie because nobody ever has any interest in tending to my needs. Maybe that's selfish. I just feel like I'm expected to give care to everybody else until I have nothing left and get nothing in return. Transactional? I'm not sure. I'm not supposed to look at relationships as transactional, but damn, would be nice if someone just asked me how I was doing once in a while without needing the answer to be, "Great thanks, how are you!?"

I'm scared I'm gonna have to go to the hospital. Sometimes my panic attacks have gotten so bad my entire body tingles and starts going numb and I can't move. Sometimes the DP/DR causes it. Sometimes the voices. Sometimes the confusion that I'm in the wrong place or the wrong time. Sometimes it's the sinking realization that I feel like I'm in danger and no one is coming. Like I'm stuck in my bedroom and I'm 6 years old and they won't let me out and I'm screaming and screaming and screaming for hours and nobody comes.
What's left after that? What's left?
I can't do anything. I can't help myself and I can't get help and the only option is to disintegrate.

So I guess I'll go lie in bed and pray something kills me in my sleep, like I do every night, so I don't have to feel the survival instincts kick in, and so I don't have to feel the guilt of taking my own life.

Really I'm just a coward. I've tried so many times in life to push through, to hang myself, to cut through that artery, to take all those pills, and the fear is too strong.
So I just live life without a will to live it.

 

[korchoi]

I don't know what to say... I can feel your pain.

 

[FF777]

first of all, the site has a large spectrum of reasons people are here.. no one is a fraud for not being on the verge of getting ready to CTB soon.. no one here even thinks that way about other people.. "wow i can't believe this person still hasn't CTB yet, they really need to hurry up".... no one really thinks that on here.. every one is usually pretty understanding.. CTB is a huge thing, and i just almost tried it for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago and holy god it was so ridiculously terrifying (H2S was going to be my method).. so i'm kind of in the same position a little; i don't want to be here but i can't get my self to do CTB, and not even sure when i will be able to..

also, even for posts that just detail your struggles, it can help other people because it shows that other people are suffering too, and especially for other people that have DID, your posts can be relatable to them and help them feel comforted a little bit..

as far as loneliness, i'm not sure what to tell you.. my family mostly all died and my friends all went our separate ways over time, and i've been lonely in my own place here for many years.. and it sucks but i guess i just got used to it sort of because i can't really do much about it.. it still sucks though.. although i talk in chat rooms though to people and so that helps.. and i have one main (internet) friend on there i talk to all the time every day.. and i run some rooms where i post news and an other room where we (me and people in there) post memes, and some other rooms and stuff.. and so that helps me a little.. although still not as cool as having real-life friends or family..

and as far as your dude man, i think it's natural to start thinking about it in transactions if the imbalance becomes too big, you know?.. i mean like if he isn't attending to your needs hardly much but you are always having to cater to what ever things he is interested in.. And but....... that kind of makes me think that might be a red flag though...... unless he doesn't know that you need more attention?.. you might just be more direct about it and tell him how you really feel a little bit and see if he can try to be there for you more emotionally..

i don't think you should start self-harming again.. it's just.... leaves scars and there has to be some thing else to be a vice for you.. i'm not sure what you would like though.. video games? (just trying to think of random stuff).... or, this sounds like cliche advice but exercising helps lot of people feel better and gives them some thing to do and work on.. i dunno, i wish i had better advice for ways to help you some how.. oh and is your bed comfy enough? i have a big furry/fuzzy body-pillow that i sleep with, and i run a fan on me.. i like fans a lot and it helps me relax.. actually at one point for a while i had 2 fans running and the noise from them together made it sound like i am on an airplane which was kind of relaxing..

any way, i hope there can eventually be some type of path forward for you so that you can not have to suffer in your daily suffering all the time like this quite as much.. and feel free to post as much as you want on the site if it helps you.. don't ever feel like a fraud posting on here.. i've seen the things you post and i can tell you that you DEFINITELY belong here.. (hehe sorry i can't help my humor some times).. but seriously, i always wish you well and want the best for you..

love and light..

 

[newhere222]

first of all, the site has a large spectrum of reasons people are here.. no one is a fraud for not being on the verge of getting ready to CTB soon.. no one here even thinks that way about other people.. "wow i can't believe this person still hasn't CTB yet, they really need to hurry up".... no one really thinks that on here.. every one is usually pretty understanding.. CTB is a huge thing, and i just almost tried it for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago and holy god it was so ridiculously terrifying (H2S was going to be my method).. so i'm kind of in the same position a little; i don't want to be here but i can't get my self to do CTB, and not even sure when i will be able to..

also, even for posts that just detail your struggles, it can help other people because it shows that other people are suffering too, and especially for other people that have DID, your posts can be relatable to them and help them feel comforted a little bit..

as far as loneliness, i'm not sure what to tell you.. my family mostly all died and my friends all went our separate ways over time, and i've been lonely in my own place here for many years.. and it sucks but i guess i just got used to it sort of because i can't really do much about it.. it still sucks though.. although i talk in chat rooms though to people and so that helps.. and i have one main (internet) friend on there i talk to all the time every day.. and i run some rooms where i post news and an other room where we (me and people in there) post memes, and some other rooms and stuff.. and so that helps me a little.. although still not as cool as having real-life friends or family..

and as far as your dude man, i think it's natural to start thinking about it in transactions if the imbalance becomes too big, you know?.. i mean like if he isn't attending to your needs hardly much but you are always having to cater to what ever things he is interested in.. And but....... that kind of makes me think that might be a red flag though...... unless he doesn't know that you need more attention?.. you might just be more direct about it and tell him how you really feel a little bit and see if he can try to be there for you more emotionally..

i don't think you should start self-harming again.. it's just.... leaves scars and there has to be some thing else to be a vice for you.. i'm not sure what you would like though.. video games? (just trying to think of random stuff).... or, this sounds like cliche advice but exercising helps lot of people feel better and gives them some thing to do and work on.. i dunno, i wish i had better advice for ways to help you some how.. oh and is your bed comfy enough? i have a big furry/fuzzy body-pillow that i sleep with, and i run a fan on me.. i like fans a lot and it helps me relax.. actually at one point for a while i had 2 fans running and the noise from them together made it sound like i am on an airplane which was kind of relaxing..

any way, i hope there can eventually be some type of path forward for you so that you can not have to suffer in your daily suffering all the time like this quite as much.. and feel free to post as much as you want on the site if it helps you.. don't ever feel like a fraud posting on here.. i've seen the things you post and i can tell you that you DEFINITELY belong here.. (hehe sorry i can't help my humor some times).. but seriously, i always wish you well and want the best for you..

love and light..

What happened with the hs2?

 

[itsgone2]

Really I'm just a coward. I've tried so many times in life to push through, to hang myself, to cut through that artery, to take all those pills, and the fear is too strong.
So I just live life without a will to live it.

Same. No shame in it
It will happen for us one day.