Venting I don't know what to do anymore

[infinitetraumacycle]

I don't know where to start. Everyday I just feel so miserable and shit.

Every fucking day there's something that makes me so suicidal. My girlfriend is what is stopping me, I would've already done it
I have a long distance relationship with her and she is dealing with stuff too. She has BPD.

I'm not diagnosed with any disorders, but I am in therapy for trauma and I take meds for my depression.
Before her, I was cutting myself daily and drinking alcohol to cope. I would kill myself, but she pretty much gave me a purpose in life.

But I just have these severe mood swings and it's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I see a future with my girlfriend and if you would ask me if I want to kill myself, I would say no.
Other moments I feel so shit and I just want to kill myself as soon as possible. If I would have access to methods that pretty much work, I would've already done it.

So much is just going through my head. I don't have big issues with my girlfriend, but I can't handle it whenever she is mad. Mostly because of trauma and also because I'm so attached to her.
How can I be able to handle her being mad at me? Or my parents?

I feel like such a loser too, because I'm nothing without her. I apologise for everything even when it's not my fault.
I want to be independent too. Have another purpose to live. Before I was so insanely depressed, I was coding often and made some cool projects. Now I barely code anymore and all I do is rot in my bed.


I'm just saying alot of bullshit, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, ESPESCIALLY WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS.
Is my long distance relationship realistic? Will it work out? Everyone around me is laughing about it.
What do i do???? What the fuck do i do?

It's like everytime 1 problem dissapears another one appears.

 

[discernment]

Hey, i'm sorry that you're here and in a lot of pain at the moment

I have a couple of thoughts - my first is that, at least from the post, it seems like you are still holding on to some hope for the future, so I hope you are able to keep yourself safe in the moments where you feel like harming yourself. If there is still hope, then try to hang in there.

Secondly, in regards to your relationship, LDRs aren't something that I have any personal experience of, and I don't think anyone can say for certain if it will work out or not. To be completely honest, I do think that LRDs have a lower chance of lasting overall, but I think its entirely possible for them to be successful if the communication is strong and both partners are committed to making things work. I would be careful with giving too much weight to what anyone around you thinks about your relationship, and try to instead focus on how YOU feel about the relationship.

I definitely think that it is important to try and slowly build up a support network outside of the relationship, more so than anything else for your own wellbeing and independence (I am saying this as someone who is very isolated lol, but I do recognise that how I live is incredibly unhealthy) but building up your life again from nothing does take a long time.