ghostfear
I accept death with open arms
- Sep 23, 2023
- 10
Hello everyone, it has been a while since I posted here. I left the site for a few years and continued living, hoping things would get better. Nothing has gotten better. I still feel like shit all the time. Now I am in college, but I really hate going there. Even though I changed majors to one that will make me happy and stopped giving in to what my family wants, I still do not feel fulfilled at all. I want to give up. I have tried to make friends online, as I am a selfish and needy person who needs more attention than what my real-life friends give me, but I fuck up those friendships with the way that I am. I even fucked up a real-life friendship with a close friend many months ago. I cannot fix myself, I am a bad person. I am even going to therapy and taking antidepressants, but I still feel miserable. I have gone there for almost two months now, but I feel like it is a waste of my time. I wish I had killed myself in elementary school, when I had lost my best friend because she wanted to hang out with popular girls instead of me, and I had nobody else at that time. That was the best time to kill myself. But now it is hard with the close real-life friends that I have now, especially since they have known me since middle school. But I know that they are better off without me. Even if they mourn my death, they will eventually forget about me one day. I wish I wasn't such a pussy, though. If I wasn't, I would have killed myself a long, long time ago. I still can not bring myself to end my life. I am weak. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I am living in a body with no soul.
