Venting i wanna die but im scared

[monotine]

i got diagnosed with bipolar 2, and CPTSD. ive had multiple attempts in ending my life via OD, SN, and ligature strangulation. my PNES is also in remission. meds dont work. therapy doesnt work. i'm sick of trying. i've stopped taking my meds for almost a month now.

now i just feel so empty all the time and i feel so guilty cause i know people out there have it worse than me. i feel guilty cause i actually have a good support system but im wasting it all away.

everyday i wake up with the thought of killing myself. i already have a plan to kill myself. my SN is already there waiting for me to just take it but for some reason im so scared. i already set my mind to ending my life cause living just gives me so much anxiety. we study, work, then die — it all seems so pointless, why still continue to live?

im so overwhelmed. maybe a part of me wants to experience what life has to offer but just doesnt want the pain anymore. maybe im scared of the afterlife, what if it's worse there than it is here? i also know the pain that i'd inflict on my siblings but im in pain everyday, so why does it matter?

im just rambling cause i have no one to talk to. i cut off my close friends so they no longer have to deal with my depressed ass. i dont wanna be all sad with the rest of my remaining friends cause they might think that i'd attempt at taking my life again. i don't want to alert them and have them stop me in ctb.

i don't need comforting words to tell me to continue living. i wanna die, i just can't bring myself to do it.

 

[pepperfarmer]

Ending your life is scary because the function of fear is to keep you from death.

It could be afterlife worries, depending on your background and preferences. If you're from a religious background, you could be afraid of some sort of punishment. It could also be discomfort with non-existence, if you're uncomfortable with that possibility.