Hello there,
I have been dealing with severe depressive episodes for about 6 years now. I turned 18 recently, and I genuinely don't see a way out of my situation. Likewise, I also don't think that I deserve to be in a better position, so I can't make any efforts to better myself. I have a long list of diagnoses at my age, and it just keeps on getting worse and worse every year.
I genuinely don't know how this started, but when I switched schools 7 years ago, I didn't catch on with anyone. This turned into 7 years of never speaking to anyone, not having met up with anyone once. I did start talking to a guy this year, just for him to tell me that everyone is talking shit about me behind my back and that he is just talking to me because he doesn't want me to kill myself. He told me that it was obvious that I am into him (I am) and that he isn't into me. I have been in and out of psych wards; one person I knew from there od'd while I was there. I see hallucinations of her telling me to kill myself. My head is filled with little people calling me bastard on repeat and telling me to kill myself.
I don't do anything in my free time. I have excessively tried to catch on with others via different activities, but anything I do doesn't result in me enjoying it or making any friends in the process. Whenever I eat or drink, I have to force myself to do so because I don't deserve to eat and drink. I'm a complete waste of energy and resources from others. I'm severely underweight. I'm an ugly chud.
People give me compliments and tell me that I am awesome. Why do they lie? Does it make them feel better about themselves?
Every day is a pain. I "tried" to end it multiple times, but they weren't real attempts; I stopped them myself.
I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not allowed to get better, so I don't want to ask if it gets better. But I can't keep on doing this, I am so done with everything. I have to stop hurting others with my existence, but how do I do so without hurting them by killing myself?
I have been dealing with severe depressive episodes for about 6 years now. I turned 18 recently, and I genuinely don't see a way out of my situation. Likewise, I also don't think that I deserve to be in a better position, so I can't make any efforts to better myself. I have a long list of diagnoses at my age, and it just keeps on getting worse and worse every year.
I genuinely don't know how this started, but when I switched schools 7 years ago, I didn't catch on with anyone. This turned into 7 years of never speaking to anyone, not having met up with anyone once. I did start talking to a guy this year, just for him to tell me that everyone is talking shit about me behind my back and that he is just talking to me because he doesn't want me to kill myself. He told me that it was obvious that I am into him (I am) and that he isn't into me. I have been in and out of psych wards; one person I knew from there od'd while I was there. I see hallucinations of her telling me to kill myself. My head is filled with little people calling me bastard on repeat and telling me to kill myself.
I don't do anything in my free time. I have excessively tried to catch on with others via different activities, but anything I do doesn't result in me enjoying it or making any friends in the process. Whenever I eat or drink, I have to force myself to do so because I don't deserve to eat and drink. I'm a complete waste of energy and resources from others. I'm severely underweight. I'm an ugly chud.
People give me compliments and tell me that I am awesome. Why do they lie? Does it make them feel better about themselves?
Every day is a pain. I "tried" to end it multiple times, but they weren't real attempts; I stopped them myself.
I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not allowed to get better, so I don't want to ask if it gets better. But I can't keep on doing this, I am so done with everything. I have to stop hurting others with my existence, but how do I do so without hurting them by killing myself?
