Maybe I won't but maybe I will

[The Great Below]

I keep telling myself I'm not going to kill myself I keep posting about killing myself on Facebook I've I had to hide the posts from my husband because not that he cares but he's been making a big deal about it and how it makes him feel people seeing it even though he refuses to change and is a main reason of my reoccurring trauma and feeling that there is no hope for a future where I can have love and my cptsd has not destroyed me because I have become a different completely destroyed emotionally person since I've known him.. but whatever.. I just I feel like I'm lying to myself I feel like I am going to try to kill myself again and I'm not going to be so lucky like I was to move the car and my car crashed I got really lucky sliding away from the house I was trying to crash into and I wish I hadn't gotten lucky it makes me feel such distress.. I've not been able to even leave my room to see my kids since Friday afternoon and I'm drowning I'm drowning in this bed I'm still in the same clothes no not been able to shower I don't want to get naked I'm scared I'm in too much physical pain to even stand I don't want to get out of bed I can't stop crying I just want to kill myself I don't even have the strength to kill myself I just wish somebody would kill me.. I don't know why I'm wasted so much time living I wish I had to wait in so much time living now it's so much harder to be murdered it is it is and so many opportunities to die that have slipped through my fingers so many opportunities to be brutally murdered when I was being stupid and meeting people online off of places like FetLife and Darkfetishnetwork and Craigslist.. I had so many opportunities back in the day and I just let it slip through my fingers and now it's hard it's harder and I have kids in this life and I'm just so lonely.. I'm sure that I have dozens of clients that would meet me and murder me from my job as a sex worker like I know I do I just my agoraphobia I thought about it I thought about it I just don't want to put anyone else at risk and I don't want to go through the lengthy or deal of having to meet a bunch of people I just wanted to be one and done I just wanted to be over I just want to feel peace I just want to not feel this pain.. I wish things were different and I keep spiraling more and more in this loneliness it is dark now and I just keep seeing my rapist's face like I do every night in my bedroom alone in my converted garage because I cannot trust my husband to be in the same room as him he is not a safe person in the trauma that I have from him I just need to be away.. I just wish that there was a way to guarantee it to have it be over did not have anything be disrupted to not have me getting the way like I got in the way with the car how I made it so I didn't die of course I did of course I had to get in the way of me feeling Peace at Last that's all I wanted was peace and now instead of that I have a car payment which is the opposite of peace yay more financial stress I just I just want to die I just want to die I just want to be able to go far away and stop hurting that's all I want it's the only thing I want