I'm new and this is just a massive vent.
I can't believe I'm 35 years old. I never thought I would be alive for this long. I was never meant to be born. I feel so worthless and pointless that even my own parents hate me and wish they never had me and I wish they never had me too. I thought I would have ctb years ago but somehow I'm still here.
I feel so bitter towards my parents for messing me up with a shitty childhood full of trauma and abuse. I feel like I don't know how to be normal. I don't know how to have friends or be in a relationship or reach life milestones like get married or have a family or any of that. I feel so unlikable and worthless. I feel so alone since I don't have any friends or family.
It was my birthday recently and that was so fucking hard to sit in the dark emptiness of my room knowing no one cared I was born or alive. The silence was so loud.
And I've tried and tried and done all the things that are supposed to make me feel better. Seen psychiatrists, taken meds, all the therapy and counseling, regular exercise, better sleep habits, join a club, etc.
But I keep falling back into this hole. I'm not better and I don't think I'll ever get better. I feel like I'm permanently defective or broken, like there's just no point in going on since I can't fix me. I can't fix or change the broken parts of me to be normal.
I feel like ctb is my only option because I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want another empty birthday or holiday alone. I can't handle the silence and how loudly it screams how unimportant and worthless I am to the world.
Thanks to this site for letting me vent all of this freely.
I can't believe I'm 35 years old. I never thought I would be alive for this long. I was never meant to be born. I feel so worthless and pointless that even my own parents hate me and wish they never had me and I wish they never had me too. I thought I would have ctb years ago but somehow I'm still here.
I feel so bitter towards my parents for messing me up with a shitty childhood full of trauma and abuse. I feel like I don't know how to be normal. I don't know how to have friends or be in a relationship or reach life milestones like get married or have a family or any of that. I feel so unlikable and worthless. I feel so alone since I don't have any friends or family.
It was my birthday recently and that was so fucking hard to sit in the dark emptiness of my room knowing no one cared I was born or alive. The silence was so loud.
And I've tried and tried and done all the things that are supposed to make me feel better. Seen psychiatrists, taken meds, all the therapy and counseling, regular exercise, better sleep habits, join a club, etc.
But I keep falling back into this hole. I'm not better and I don't think I'll ever get better. I feel like I'm permanently defective or broken, like there's just no point in going on since I can't fix me. I can't fix or change the broken parts of me to be normal.
I feel like ctb is my only option because I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want another empty birthday or holiday alone. I can't handle the silence and how loudly it screams how unimportant and worthless I am to the world.
Thanks to this site for letting me vent all of this freely.
