Venting I can't believe I'm still here

[madamebutterfly]

I'm new and this is just a massive vent.

I can't believe I'm 35 years old. I never thought I would be alive for this long. I was never meant to be born. I feel so worthless and pointless that even my own parents hate me and wish they never had me and I wish they never had me too. I thought I would have ctb years ago but somehow I'm still here.

I feel so bitter towards my parents for messing me up with a shitty childhood full of trauma and abuse. I feel like I don't know how to be normal. I don't know how to have friends or be in a relationship or reach life milestones like get married or have a family or any of that. I feel so unlikable and worthless. I feel so alone since I don't have any friends or family.

It was my birthday recently and that was so fucking hard to sit in the dark emptiness of my room knowing no one cared I was born or alive. The silence was so loud.

And I've tried and tried and done all the things that are supposed to make me feel better. Seen psychiatrists, taken meds, all the therapy and counseling, regular exercise, better sleep habits, join a club, etc.

But I keep falling back into this hole. I'm not better and I don't think I'll ever get better. I feel like I'm permanently defective or broken, like there's just no point in going on since I can't fix me. I can't fix or change the broken parts of me to be normal.

I feel like ctb is my only option because I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want another empty birthday or holiday alone. I can't handle the silence and how loudly it screams how unimportant and worthless I am to the world.

Thanks to this site for letting me vent all of this freely.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I know how you feel. I'm 43 now and at 18 I viewed this age as ancient. The only good thing with age is gaining a bit of wisdom and resilience but apart from that, well, I don't really see much except just being in a prison planet really.
I know how you feel. I'm 43 now and at 18 I viewed this age as ancient. The only good thing with age is gaining a bit of wisdom and resilience but apart from that, well, I don't really see much except just bring in a prison planet really

 

[itsgone2]

I'm sorry you were alone on your birthday. And that your parents messed up. Everything is wrong in this life. There's no reason to be here.

 

[melodrama]

I'm sorry you're going through this. The people around us can often be cruel and treat us with disdain. It's best to cut those people out of your life, but that's not so easy... And loneliness hurts either way.

Happy late birthday! I know I'm just a stranger on the internet and my well wishes might not mean much, but just know that you aren't alone in feeling this way. I hope your days get at least a little better.

 

[destro98]

I'm 48. My life is utterly ridiculous. I'm going through a divorce. My soon-to-be-ex-wife filed false abuse charges against me and now I have minimal access to my young daughter. I recently lost my job. After foolishly confiding in my mother, with whom I've have a toxic relationship because of her past abuse (my siblings all refuse to speak to her), about all my hopes, concerns and anxieties for this divorce, she turned around, ran straight to my STBX-wife, and has been working with her to screw me over (including corroborating a blatant lie), keeping me away from my daughter and in debt from payments to my STBX-wife. (Even though I lost my job, but my STBX-wife is working.)

So, I'm 48, with no job, limited career prospects, lots of debt from alimony payments, little access to the one person who truly loves me (my young daughter), and dealing with knives in my back from two people I thought loved me (my STBX-wife and my mother).

Why am I still here? My life went from great last year to simply intolerable for the last ten months. I can't keep living. I need someone to help me with a foolproof way to ctb quickly.
I feel so bitter to my STBX-wife for ruining my life, and to my mother for helping her. I want them to hear about my passing and know they were at fault.

Sorry, just venting as well. I'm also spending my holidays, weekends, etc. all alone in my apartment.