Hey everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking about suicide and, specifically, the question of whether I should or shouldn't do it. And I don't know, it's weird. I really don't want to; I really want to have hope and live a happy life. I just, don't see it improving. Really, I can think of a lot of reasons for and against it, but ultimately, every time I think about it, it always seems to boil down to the same question: What's more important? What I want, or the well-being of people I care about?
I am in therapy (afraid to discuss these thoughts in much depth unfortunately, for what I'm sure are understandable reasons...) and realistically I have a lot of good things going for my life to be honest. But I'm just not happy, and realistically I don't see it improving that much. For many years I was miserable and alive basically just desperately hoping for something to change and give me a reason to live.
About a year ago, I did have something good happen in my life that made me feel normal and like I had a future worth living for for the first time in many years and it was very nice. But recently, that thing has changed and become more complicated for me. It's not gone, it's not like I'm back where I started. It's just: it hasn't been providing the same joy or the same optimism for my future anymore that it once gave me. I'm now afraid I might lose this thing altogether.
I feel like I had hoped for so long for something to make me happy and I really put a lot of faith and I came to rely on this thing to do that for me, and to have it taken away like this just hurts so much because I feel like I had it - I felt what it's like to be happy; I felt what it's like to have a normal life and to have hope for the future. Being miserable again while having this perspective of how awesome life could be just hurts so bad.
I don't know - I just, I would really like to die. But at the same time, I feel like that's selfish of me. There are a lot of people whose lives I would quite literally ruin by committing suicide. But at the same time, why should I stay alive and sacrifice what I want for them? I think it's the right thing to do - to me that's what it means to truly care about someone, but it's not like anyone else does the same for me. Part of me wants to do the right thing, part of me is bitter and doesn't care, and part of me just thinks nothing would matter if I'm dead so I just shouldn't care to begin with.
I keep having this thought, and it feels very strange, that "I wish I hadn't met this person who I love", because I wish I could kill myself without feeling guilty. It's very scary :(
So yeah, those are my thoughts. I don't know what matters more. Is it what I want, or the well-being of people I care about?
I am in therapy (afraid to discuss these thoughts in much depth unfortunately, for what I'm sure are understandable reasons...) and realistically I have a lot of good things going for my life to be honest. But I'm just not happy, and realistically I don't see it improving that much. For many years I was miserable and alive basically just desperately hoping for something to change and give me a reason to live.
About a year ago, I did have something good happen in my life that made me feel normal and like I had a future worth living for for the first time in many years and it was very nice. But recently, that thing has changed and become more complicated for me. It's not gone, it's not like I'm back where I started. It's just: it hasn't been providing the same joy or the same optimism for my future anymore that it once gave me. I'm now afraid I might lose this thing altogether.
I feel like I had hoped for so long for something to make me happy and I really put a lot of faith and I came to rely on this thing to do that for me, and to have it taken away like this just hurts so much because I feel like I had it - I felt what it's like to be happy; I felt what it's like to have a normal life and to have hope for the future. Being miserable again while having this perspective of how awesome life could be just hurts so bad.
I don't know - I just, I would really like to die. But at the same time, I feel like that's selfish of me. There are a lot of people whose lives I would quite literally ruin by committing suicide. But at the same time, why should I stay alive and sacrifice what I want for them? I think it's the right thing to do - to me that's what it means to truly care about someone, but it's not like anyone else does the same for me. Part of me wants to do the right thing, part of me is bitter and doesn't care, and part of me just thinks nothing would matter if I'm dead so I just shouldn't care to begin with.
I keep having this thought, and it feels very strange, that "I wish I hadn't met this person who I love", because I wish I could kill myself without feeling guilty. It's very scary :(
So yeah, those are my thoughts. I don't know what matters more. Is it what I want, or the well-being of people I care about?
