Venting Want to attempt but not actually die

[imsorryspike]

Like most people on here I want to ctb, I have for years and I used to be more actively suicidal but now its more passive. Things have been getting worse again but I don't know how to express it, whenever my therapist or really anybody asks me how things are going I say fine or good which is obviously a lie. Every once in a while It'll get bad enough for me to try and ask for help but then when they ask what's going on all I can say is I don't know, which is true, I don't have any one specific thing "wrong" I just feel like life isn't worth it but I don't have the balls to actually say that to anybody I know. I'm too scared to actually end it all cuz I know it could be worse and I have a decent life, I also have a lot of people that care about me and I dont want to hurt them. I really want to try to get better but I don't know how to ask for help, the only way I can think of is to attempt so people know something is up.
I don't know how smart of an idea that is though, I don't want to try to kill myself "for attention" but like it's getting to be my only option, I tried telling my mom I felt suicidal and she said "yeah I think everybody feels like that sometimes"
Theres a lot to think about with this. I could either attempt with the intent to die or attempt with the intent of going to a mental hospital or something but idk which is the right move. I'm also scared that if I don't die then I will be judged, you know how people will be mean unless the person actually dies, but like if I do die then I'll also be judged and I won't even be there to defend myself which like I know wont really matter cuz I'll be dead but still.

Sorry for yapping so much I don't really know what the point of this post was I guess I just wonder if anyone else is in the same boat

 

[endlesschatter]

Life and death is a serious matter and you are absolutely right about the things that keep you in confusion, the people who care for you. This is not an easy decision to make because those folks have faith in you and your ctb will leave them devastated and they'll mourn your death for years as voids don't get filled easily. On one hand, you have your suffering, on the other hand, you've those people who love you..
I wish you can take the right decision that is in the best interest of everyone and may your life improve to the point where you don't want to ctb anymore

 

[Mooncry]

Can't you just call a suicide hotline and express a strong, immediate desire to harm yourself? They'll lock you up pretty quick for that, and you don't risk accidental successful CTB.

 

[endlesschatter]

Can't you just call a suicide hotline and express a strong, immediate desire to harm yourself? They'll lock you up pretty quick for that, and you don't risk accidental successful CTB.

Woah.
Here in India they don't do that. It'd be fun if they did

 

[imsorryspike]

Can't you just call a suicide hotline and express a strong, immediate desire to harm yourself? They'll lock you up pretty quick for that, and you don't risk accidental successful CTB.

I'm worried that won't be taken seriously enough, like my mom will probably want an explanation as to why I did that and if I can't find the words she might think I'm faking it or something

 

[DewDr0p]

i get that. i worry about people not believing me, but also i kind of dont believe myself. i want to attempt just to know that i can. that this passive and sometimes active suicide ideation of mine is actually real and not just something ive convinced myself i feel. i tried going to a referral service and expressing fear that ill hurt myself. i got given a list of psychologists and told to talk to my GP. all i want to do is apologise and insist that im fine and have someone figure out whether or not that's true.

i know it isnt the same, but i feel you in a way