Self Harm Thread

[cgrtt.brns]

I felt like my previous starving method wasn't truly SH, as SH is commonly considered cutting.

i understand how you could feel this way, the stereotype of sh is very specific. in my opinion, i think any way of purposefully harming yourself physically or mentally as a coping mechanism can be considered self harm, i mean its literally in the name lol. technically an ed could be sh as you are harming your body by depriving it of things it needs or over doing it on things that are harmful etc. either way, any form of sh is valid. theres no competition between methods, or at least there shouldnt be, all are bad coping methods in their own ways. hope that made sense. i hope you stay safe.

 

[ninevoltheart]

relapsed the other day after promising my bf i'd stay clean. it was over something so stupid, too. i know he'll find out soon, so i'm trying to do as much damage as i can in the meantime but it doesn't feel like enough

i just wish i could hurt myself without worrying about how its gonna hurt him. is that just me who feels that way ?? i know i'm not gonna stop, so why should i care ?

 

[Konnsz]

I genuinely love doing self harm(cutting) , it's an alternative it always works, the only thing i get worried is how far I got into it.

Once I begin to do it again and again, I get the urge to do it just because it's fun, making the cuts deeper and more dangerous.
The last one, was a deep cut on my leg, people said I need stitches, i didn't get them, but I'm healing fine....

I'm mentally broken
I'm going to begin doing it more often on winter, since I can cover my cuts easier.
Let's see how deep I'll go now

 

[tora]

the very first time I ever cut was the night of my first suicide attempt when I was 16. I was desperate to take control of my emotions and thought cutting would help, but it didn't. I've cut on and off ever since then, and when I was 18 i started getting really stressed at work and coped by scratching my arm until it was raw and bleeding.

 

[JustSomeoneOnline]

thanks for this thread, i think a lot of really need it myself included. as for me it started when i was 10 and i found out punching my bathroom wall helped to ease the pain inside my chest. as i got older i used mechanical pencils, scissors and box cutters. when i was old enough i just went out and bought myself a hunting knife and a flip knife. its a lot easier to use tbh, but yk the more you cut the more you're desensitized. i know its bad to cut in obvious places but i have cuts down to my ankles because i keep running out of space cause my thighs and arms just stopped feeling the cuts.
also as some advice to people who have cuts deep enough to need stitches but dont want to ask for help, pinch the cut together and tape it there. make sure the tape stays on and dont remove it. best to use medical tape but if youre desperate just find any.

 

[ethereal.angel]

I see self harm mentioned a lot on this forum, but never one set area for it.

So I wanted to do a thread where people can come and talk freely, seek support, Share images, {but please spoilers first}

Self harm goes unnoticed, but its a path many of us walk. Share your story, support and more here?


This is not a thread to encourage self harm, Before you get to that point, please seek help, or talk here so we can talk you out of it!

i started punching my arms when i was around 6, being too scared to cut or anything like that. it was a nice distraction from the trauma i was going through at the time and continued time. i did that a lot.

when i was around 11-12, i started using scissors on my arms. one time, the scissors i used were dull blade scissors, but i didn't have anything else, so i *forced* them to create cuts. i just used it really fast on my arm..my *entire* arm was red and *covered* in scars for a long time after that.

eventually around 12 i got sick of using scissors and wanted something better. so i started looking around in my art classroom for those small pencil sharpeners, and found a white one. i immediately started taking them out when i got home, no screwdriver, so i had to use my nails. it worked surprisingly easy, and i got them both out. used them for a while, hid them in my phone case. but eventually out of guilt i threw them away. never had a pencil sharpener that had the blades come out that easily ever again, sometimes regret throwing them away but also i'm proud of myself for taking that initiative.
that didn't stop me from cutting though. the urges and voices came back pretty quickly. eventually i confessed to my father about my self harm, and right after that conversation, a night later, he got me a therapist. a year later, i went to the pysch ward. in there, i tried to use the paper they gave us to self harm but i stopped pretty quickly when i remembered the cameras were right above me.

i've been around a month clean now. i don't think self harm will ever end for me, it'll always be a thought. hopefully it'll all end soon anyway. life is cruel.

 

[mouseteacup]

I've been staying over in a house and bed that's not mine for the past week and a half, and the urge to not ruin their bedsheets outweighs the urge to cut. Small victories.

 

[maybunni]

The earliest I can remember self harming was probably when I was 14 where I tried to create a cut on my wrist using my nails. It was only once because someone immediately saw the scar and I got scared they'd tell on me. It really escalated when I was 16-17 because of family/home life and pressure to excel academically, still stuck with my nails though, running back and forth on my wrist until I bled or formed a scar. Although, I always had the tendency to hit my head and legs out of frustration since a young age.
I think the worst it has gotten was a couple years ago, mid 2021 where I began cutting with a razor blade, one of those dermaplaning blades. I would frequently do it to stop feeling, to feel something, or because I felt like I deserved the pain. Since then,I've engaged in self harm on and off, there would be months in between each time I relapsed, and when I would relapse, it would be ~5-7 cuts every 2-3 days for a month, which from what i've read here today isn't the worse.
I still do it whenever times get rough though, although I feel like with each time I relapse, the deeper I cut. Like, If I already failed to stay clean, I might as well let myself endulge as much as I want and then try again to stay clean for a few months. Rinse and repeat.
Idek why I continue to try and stay clean, I know I'll never be able to stop cutting as a coping mechanism, it just works so well, its second nature.
Idk where I was going with this but I'm just glad I can say this openly, my closest friends are aware I self harm but whenever I even mention my scars (i.e. they'll ask why I can't take off my jacket when I'm feeling hot), the helplessness and concern I see in their eyes is hard to stomach. I don't blame them for feeling concerned, they're great friends, and they're not wrong in feeling helpless- it's not like they can say or do anything that will ever quiet the urge.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

my mum normally never mentions my sh if she sees it accidentally but somehow a fat cut was exposed while i was asleep this morning when she came into my room and she brought it up to me today. shes never seen one of my fat cuts before, only epidermis and shallow dermis, so i can see why itd be a bit alarming.
the dumb thing is to me it seems like such a small cut. i feel like its not big enough that it should cause her to bring it up. i feel the same way about it when i look at it as i do when i look at my dermis cuts, and in my mind it looks the same size even tho technically i know it is objectively bigger. she asked if it might need stitching (which its too late for anyway its over two weeks old u cant even see the fat anymore) and my immediate thought was to laugh and say "that tiny thing? lol no". i didnt actually say that, i think i said if i was worried about it id get it checked out, which is true, but i just dont know how bad it would need to be to cause me to worry at this point if that makes sense. i dont think it did need stitching anyway, i couldve easily just closed it with medical tape but my dumb brain didnt want to.

 

[eternalsleep7]

About a month ago I relapsed after being clean for 170 days, I don't tend to go very deep, I normally go for quantity over quality. I enjoy seeing my scars, I don't know why but they make me feel validated in some way.

 

[medipoison]

ive realised trying to stay clean from self harm is pointless. i want to do it anyways so whats the point? im not sure why its seen as such a bad thing to cut yourself as long as youre being safe. is it that people think the scars are ugly? most other forms of self harm are socially acceptable (or at least ive never been bothered when ive done them, even in public). what is it about cutting that makes everybody say "no, quit that, it's bad for you."?

 

[cgrtt.brns]

ive realised trying to stay clean from self harm is pointless. i want to do it anyways so whats the point? im not sure why its seen as such a bad thing to cut yourself as long as youre being safe. is it that people think the scars are ugly? most other forms of self harm are socially acceptable (or at least ive never been bothered when ive done them, even in public). what is it about cutting that makes everybody say "no, quit that, it's bad for you."?

i feel the same way. ive never bothered about forcing myself to recover or stay clean bc i just dont feel that its necessary for me. i dont mind the scars, if anything i like them, and the process of sh is cathartic for me and i havent found anything else that gives me that same feeling or is as accessible for me. props to those who do try recovering and staying clean bc they want to or need to, it must be fucking hard.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

just did a disappointing cut. for some reason the pain was unbearable this time. i didnt do anything different, but it felt like my eyes were gonna pop out of my head bc it stung so much and i couldnt breathe. weird. kinda glad tho bc im so fucking tired i dont think i could handle cleaning up after a deep cut rn. i just cant wait to die. im so tired.

 

[nicotine_goblin]

I started off with cutting at around 16 due to a difficult relationship and onset of my mental health issues (diagnosed mdd now). Had a few short breaks from it but got drawn into it again with burning, used cigarettes and matches. The most severe occurrence was when i broke my hand while punching a wall, wouldn't recommend. Still struggling with it a handful of years later. And makes me feel ashamed of having to hide my scars everywhere

 

[idkwhoIam]

I'm going to buy a knife specifically for SH (because all the ones around the house are too dull or used for cooking and that's rather unsanitary) does anyone have any suggestions for what type of knife to buy and/or where to buy them. Preferably a physical place because I don't want someone else opening the package first and asking questions. Also where are the best places to cut yourself so that I don't cause lasting harm or get called out by the people trying to "help" me?

 

[TheMetalHead]

Started cutting at around 16 years old, avoided touching any visible spots for quite some time, but decided to cut a rather big pentagram on my arm, 5 years later or so, the scar is damn impossible to not see. I've continued to cut myself for a few months, creating nearly a 100 scars ( some of them barely visible, but most of them still there)
Now I'm at the stage, where I feel so emotionless, I might relapse and start self harming again. Can't be seen 'cause I'll just be transported to psych ward again.

 

[lockedrooftops]

My way of sh is pretty much just starving myself for days and trying to constantly vomit anything I eat on purpose. I realized later that it really is just an eating disorder, but I didn't really do it because of my self image and looks. Mostly to distract myself from things, I feel disgusting.

 

[not_telling]

I'm going to buy a knife specifically for SH (because all the ones around the house are too dull or used for cooking and that's rather unsanitary) does anyone have any suggestions for what type of knife to buy and/or where to buy them. Preferably a physical place because I don't want someone else opening the package first and asking questions. Also where are the best places to cut yourself so that I don't cause lasting harm or get called out by the people trying to "help" me?

If you're looking specifically for a knife, I don't know, I guess any hunting knife could work. But I wouldn't advise using knives in itself unless there's a symbolical value to you. Razor blades do the job a lot better, cheaper, and more accessible. It's a lot more controllable regarding the cutting too. And discreet. About places to cut, I like the inner thighs and around the waist, so that people won't notice, but nothing beats going for the good and old arms. If you can, I find it to be a lot more pleasurable there. Of course, it is more apparent that way. Hope you can find what gives you peace and pleasure.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

I'm going to buy a knife specifically for SH (because all the ones around the house are too dull or used for cooking and that's rather unsanitary) does anyone have any suggestions for what type of knife to buy and/or where to buy them. Preferably a physical place because I don't want someone else opening the package first and asking questions. Also where are the best places to cut yourself so that I don't cause lasting harm or get called out by the people trying to "help" me?

[obligatory warning] if you're new to selfharm, i really encourage you to find some other way of coping. selfharm is a slippery slope into dangerous habits, and honestly can ruin your life. the deeper you go the less satisfied you will be, caring for wounds is a fucking pain in the ass, hiding them from others is a pain in the ass, explaining them to anyone who sees them by accident is fucking miserable, i could go on.
but if you're deadset on this, im not entirely sure giving advice on selfharming is allowed but ill try to at least give you some advice for safety.
as far as places that wont cause lasting harm, theres not really any place on your body, its more about how deep you cut and how you care for the wound. a deep cut anywhere on the body will cause lasting harm like mobility issues from the scarring, and especially if it gets infected, you could lose an entire limb or die of sepsis. i guess maybe the outer thighs would be technically the "safest" as theres typically more fat/the skin is thicker there i think (im not an expert so please dont take this as a fact, just my observations as someone thats selfharmed for over half their life) and its easier to hide. inner thigh is dangerous as the femoral artery is there. avoid cutting on joints (elbows, knees etc.) as scarring can cause painful mobility issues. areas around the ankles/feet/wrists/hands are very dangerous as the skin is much thinner and theres less fat to protect veins and arteries.
knives are dangerous to use as well because theres less control over how deep you cut, as not_telling said.
im sorry you feel the need to selfharm. please remember selfharm is not a competition, any severity counts as selfharm and is valid. i hope this helped, please stay safe, and seek medical attention when you need it, dont try to deal with serious wounds yourself because its not worth the risk and pain and effort.

 

[idkwhoIam]

[obligatory warning] if you're new to selfharm, i really encourage you to find some other way of coping. selfharm is a slippery slope into dangerous habits, and honestly can ruin your life. the deeper you go the less satisfied you will be, caring for wounds is a fucking pain in the ass, hiding them from others is a pain in the ass, explaining them to anyone who sees them by accident is fucking miserable, i could go on.
but if you're deadset on this, im not entirely sure giving advice on selfharming is allowed but ill try to at least give you some advice for safety.
as far as places that wont cause lasting harm, theres not really any place on your body, its more about how deep you cut and how you care for the wound. a deep cut anywhere on the body will cause lasting harm like mobility issues from the scarring, and especially if it gets infected, you could lose an entire limb or die of sepsis. i guess maybe the outer thighs would be technically the "safest" as theres typically more fat/the skin is thicker there i think (im not an expert so please dont take this as a fact, just my observations as someone thats selfharmed for over half their life) and its easier to hide. inner thigh is dangerous as the femoral artery is there. avoid cutting on joints (elbows, knees etc.) as scarring can cause painful mobility issues. areas around the ankles/feet/wrists/hands are very dangerous as the skin is much thinner and theres less fat to protect veins and arteries.
knives are dangerous to use as well because theres less control over how deep you cut, as not_telling said.
im sorry you feel the need to selfharm. please remember selfharm is not a competition, any severity counts as selfharm and is valid. i hope this helped, please stay safe, and seek medical attention when you need it, dont try to deal with serious wounds yourself because its not worth the risk and pain and effort.

thanks, i cut myself for the first time today (with like an actual knife) it really just felt stressful but also i cant stop thinking about it. I feel the need to tell someone but i really dont want anyone to know. I think im just going to take a step back and put on a fake face for a while, stop incessantly reading this site, and just pretend to be happy for a bit. one of my other friends started therapy recently and now is trying to convince me to go. i might take them up on that offer. thanks for the help, i would prefer if you didn't respond to this because i feel bad when i drag other people into my life problems. thanks, sorry,

 

[LoneForest]

Years later and I realise that all of my deepest scars from my self harm are permanent.
They feel rough, bumpy and much different than normal skin.
Running my fingers along my inner wrist my deep scars both down the road and across the street I have a feeling of pins and needles, a feeling which is noticebly absent on the wrist of my dominant hand.
I still get some weird phantom pains across my deep scars on my thighs.
I was heavily anemic and felt like I was dying for a long time.

But now I can wear short sleaves without any fear, whether I get stares or not I don't really care.

I don't think really anyone realises how different deep scar tissue makes your skin. You get blood blisters, it burns easily in sun, easily gets infected whilst healing (had this happen- not a good time) and it becomes either heavily indented or raised

This is not to mention the obvious social stigma if you ever have them showing.

Not to say that knowing any of this stopped me doing it recently
Just less "severly" than before.

I have grown attached to my scars..
I don't regret them.
My scars are just another part of me.

One day before I die my goal would be to cover my entire body in scars.
I doubt however I will ever achieve this for many reasons.

 

[SlowlyFalling]

I don't remember when I started to sh, but I do remember why. I was young, and I had trouble controlling my anger, and I was afraid I would break something irreplaceable and regret it afterwards. That's when I had the idea that "hey, I can't break myself, I'll just take out my anger on myself!" I started beating my leg, and never looked back. I thought that if I just punched myself in could hide it better, and from my experience, that's been true. After I don't know how long, it transformed from an outlet for my anger to just me realizing that I hated myself and I deserved to be punished. That's where I stayed for a few years until I decided to go to therapy and see a psychiatrist. I did talk therapy and took all sorts of meds and felt better for almost a year. I think it was just good old treatment resistant depression catching up with me, but not a hundred percent sure. But whatever the reason, I started back up hating myself, and it's been going strong ever since. Over the years I've tested other methods of sh, from cutting to bashing my head into walls, but I've always come back to my leg. Sometimes I even look forward to not being able to walk properly for a few days even though I know I have to hide it. Everyone in my life thinks I'm doing better, but these last few weeks have been some of my worst yet. When I'm not thinking about ctb, I'm just reminding myself that I'm such a piece of shit and I don't deserve to be happy. And then I wait till the middle of the night and punish myself until I either can't walk properly, or just get too tired. I don't know if I ever felt relief from sh, but I sure don't now. It doesn't even hurt that much sometimes, and the pain goes away faster than it used to. Maybe I'll have to switch it up going forward, I'm open to suggestions from others who've lost the relief/pain of sh-ing.

Sorry for the fact that it got a little rambly in there, that's just how my brain works

 

[apearl]

Years later and I realise that all of my deepest scars from my self harm are permanent.
They feel rough, bumpy and much different than normal skin.
Running my fingers along my inner wrist my deep scars both down the road and across the street I have a feeling of pins and needles, a feeling which is noticebly absent on the wrist of my dominant hand.
I still get some weird phantom pains across my deep scars on my thighs.
I was heavily anemic and felt like I was dying for a long time.

But now I can wear short sleaves without any fear, whether I get stares or not I don't really care.

I don't think really anyone realises how different deep scar tissue makes your skin. You get blood blisters, it burns easily in sun, easily gets infected whilst healing (had this happen- not a good time) and it becomes either heavily indented or raised

This is not to mention the obvious social stigma if you ever have them showing.

Not to say that knowing any of this stopped me doing it recently
Just less "severly" than before.

I have grown attached to my scars..
I don't regret them.
My scars are just another part of me.

One day before I die my goal would be to cover my entire body in scars.
I doubt however I will ever achieve this for many reasons.

Man, I have been wishing too see somebody out there that had such a similar feeling to self harm as you do to me. Really refreshing I got to say. It mind boggles any therapist when I tell them that I want to cover myself fully in scars and that I really don't see a reason for recovery and they look at me like I'm crazy. Thank you for the post. :)

 

[Josef2000]

I hope I'm not 'necroing' this thread or something

I self-harm often, it started with scratching, then onto those crappy blades that you get from sharpeners. Many years later I used knives, razor blades, and surgical scalpels.
I have (roughly) gotten about 100 stitches throughout the 10 or so years that I've self-harmed.

Now I've started blood-letting using a syringe with a 3ml capacity so I know when to stop, there's no scarring, no visits to the hospital, and/or nerve damage.

Self-harm has been something that I live with, from small cuts on my thighs to larger ones on my neck (don't cut there pls). I think that self-harm has been for myself and probably most of you, a coping mechanism that stops us from attempting suicide. It may not be healthy, safe, or beneficial in the long run but it's kept me alive ironically.

After all these years I still can't handle pain

 

[Boudika]

I remember the first time I self-harmed when I was somehow 12 years old. My parents beat me up for it and took away my phone, and on top of that, they reprimanded me for months about how I "let them down" and "what people would think." Until high school I didn't do it and relapsed mid-freshman year. Only this time I was smarter and just hurt myself in such a way that no one would notice (for example, I just cut myself in place of old wounds or on my lower abdomen). I am currently in my senior year and sh free for almost two years. However, I am close to relapsed due to stress and relationships that are weighing me down mentally.

 

[BananiFatFat]

I want to self harm so bad. I've been holding off but the thoughts won't go away.

 

[viljalauss]

took me a while to realise what was self-harming or close to it. didn't start cutting till (19? 20?) but did shit like scratches (hard but didn't leave much of a mark), punching my head with my hands, digging nails into myself. my sister freaked out once when she saw some marks from a needle (not even any blood, she might not have even suspected if i weren't such a bad liar then), and also at the razor scars on my stomach (though for some reason less so).

sh is i've found literally the only thing that works in a pinch. like i am not recommending it (especially not to start) it's just that i have found nothing else as efficient for shit like anxiety, visceral bodily discomfort, grief. restricting, while easy enough to tap into ideas of purity, emptiness, relief is extremely time-inefficient. exercising it out sounds wonderful in theory and is in practice till i feel my chest move. tapping in to the stream of suicidal thoughts, while comforting for a bit, gets stale easily and repeats, and also makes me much less alert to my surroundings if it's, say, a social situation, and so isn't all that helpful.

 

[tvoisluga]

pouring rakia(40% alcohol) over fresh wounds feels phenomenal, i sound so insane but when i hate myself enough it really does.

 

[Pallf]

Self harmed yesterday. It felt so comforting in the moment

 

[until death]

A few weeks ago I had to get stitches in the hospital again