Random thoughts

[Lol]

I've been thinking about how from i was a child I've been fixated on scars. I like them, and i want them all over my body.

 

[AhG]

I'm kinda buzzed and I miss my fucking wife.... Why is this so damn hard. I wish everything could go back to normal, except that I've changed in the way she needed me to be. Fuck I really hate this...

 

[RM5998]

How do you learn to live and die for yourself if you've spent all your life living for someone else, looking for something you can never have?

 

[Rukia]

I am sitting wearing a big towel as my favourite set of clothes is being washed right now..and it is noon here ...I will have bread for dinner... as I dont cook
I feel pathetic...

 

[Midnight]

Man ... I'm basically alive for only 2 reasons now.

1: I simply can't seem to push myself over the edge no matter how many years go by in this awfull godforsaken hellhole of a mind/world.

2: Every single day i constantly think about seeing that one girl (payed companionship) just so i can have her in my arms and talk to her.

What a sad excuse for a life. Grinding my way through work and meanwhile helping family/friends in my spare time just to get that 1 maybe 2 hours a week where i'm basically gutwrenched and relieved at the same time... I know it sounds ridiculous. As soon as i step out her door i wish i could just drop dead and be done.

Part one has been going on for 20 years. Part two has been going on for 2-3 years. And i've destroyed myself financially while thinking "meh idc i'll be dead when i'm broke" but yeah that too didn't push me over the edge.

 

[ladolcemorte]

I thought this thread could be interesting. Sometimes one might have a topic they want to talk about or just vent, but they might think it is not worth making a thread about it.

For example, I will start.

Earlier when I was taking a shower, I remembered something I had long forgotten and it made me realize I might have been wishing for death for longer than I thought. It was of my belief that I started wishing to die around my 15 years old mark or so, but even before that, I now remember fantasizing in my head about dying to protect/save someone. The someone in question would change, but they were usually my yearly school crush (I pretty much had a different crush every year when I was a kid). It is weird, isn't it? Even as a 10 years old or so kid, death was already a common thought for me. I wonder why...

—

Anything goes, but keep it civil and no prejudice/hatred here, please. If the thread isn't interesting, just let it fade away — Eventually it will be buried by other new threads.

I was trying to think how old I was when my suicidal thoughts first started. I was young. Maybe 8...Maybe even younger...I have had thoughts about suicide before I even knew what suicide was.

A Dr once told me that people who are bipolar often have suicidal thoughts from a young age, whereas people who have "unipolar depression" don't typically have the thoughts until teenage years or young adulthood. I have no idea if that is true or not....

 

[Rukia]

Obsessive thoughts...even here about the forum...I am pathetic yet...

 

[Scribble Fan]

My paranoia and anxiety attacks are getting worse, I half want to ctb just to escape them.

 

[Rukia]

My paranoia and anxiety attacks are getting worse, I half want to ctb just to escape them.

Do you have any anti-anxiety meds ?

 

[Scribble Fan]

Do you have any anti-anxiety meds ?

I.. didn't even know those existed. Well, thanks for telling me about them! I'm tempted to go get some now.

...I feel like I should've known about these, haha.

 

[Rukia]

Well, I am sorry...just wanted to help...I am assuming from your reply they are not working ...

 

[Scribble Fan]

Well, I am sorry...just wanted to help...I am assunming from your reply they are not working :)

Oh, no! It's not that, I just live under a rock and I literally didn't know anti-anxiety meds existed until you told me just now. I don't have any, I knew anti-depressants were a thing but not those.

I think I need some medication, anxiety hugely contributes to my depression. Thank you for helping, it's appreciated

 

[Rukia]

I have anxiety too you know and paranoia, why attack a fellow sufferer? I am sorry you are unwell...

 

[Scribble Fan]

I have anxiety too you know and paranoia, why attack a fellow sufferer? I am sorry you are unwell...

Hey, I think you may have misunderstood my posts? I was never attacking you, please don't feel that way!

I am a bit confused, can you tell me why you feel like I'm being antagonistic? I was being genuine, not passive-aggressive or sarcastic. I've never been to a therapist so nobody ever told me about anti-anxiety medication. Thank you for letting me know about them.

Please feel better, and I'm sorry you experience the same

 

[Rukia]

Well, I sense sarcasm lol...Sorry for that...Hard to believe you read this forum and never heard of anti anxiety meds...I only thought maybe you dont have any, as I have Hydroxizine only because I asked for it...And my anxiety is pretty bad ...it prevents me from going outside, still my doc wouldnt give me beznos...

I feel pretty unwell too, so if you are making fun of me pls stop

 

[Scribble Fan]

Well, I sense sarcasm lol...Sorry for that...Hard to believe you read this forum and never heard of anti anxiety meds...I only thought maybe you dont have any, as I have Hydroxizine only because I asked for it...And my anxiety is pretty bad ...it prevents me from going outside, still my doc wouldnt give me beznos...

I feel pretty unwell too, so if you are making fun of me pls stop

I'm not making fun of you, please don't feel that. It's just whenever people mention their meds they put the full name of the medication. You know, names like Citalopram or Escitalopram (I just googled those now) and I have no idea what they are, haha. How would I? I've never been to a therapist. Plus I don't look at every thread, just the ones I connect with so if they're bringing up medication I just tune out and post somewhere else.

Please don't think I'm being mean, this is making me feel like shit

 

[Rukia]

Sorry for that...As I have said I am paranoid Maybe lets end at this, what do you say?

 

[Scribble Fan]

Sorry for that...As I have said I am paranoid Maybe lets end at this, what do you say?

It's ok, I understand. I get paranoid as well. As long as you know I wasn't being rude, lets finish here

 

[Sever]

Thinking about going to my ex's house and setting a fire at his door. Tbh i'll have to go to other city to buy SN but i think i need to have even a piece of revenge

 

[Morphinekiss]

How did a visit for a kidney stone turn into finding two tumors on my liver and a heart disorder? Wtf is my life even?

 

[Rukia]

Daily update directly from an unmade bed:
There is an upgrade, I am feeling better...Today at noon I am wearing a bathrobe and not a towel...

 

[Scribble Fan]

I hate opening up to people in real life because it leaves me feeling unprotected and extra vulnerable. I don't like the unsafe insecurity.

That's what surprises me about this forum. Everybody here is so nonjudgmental of each other's problems it's a breath of life after keeping it all in until the air goes stale and stuffy then begins to strangle me. I've never been able to get things off my chest before, walls are closing in slightly less these days.

 

[Morphinekiss]

When I was in the hospital and full of morphine they kept giving me a drug that started with meto... at one point I blurted out "don't people use that shit to kill themselves" and then proceeded to pass tf out. Apparently everyone laughed. Yay morphine.

 

[blanketyblk]

it's 3pm here and I've been in my PJ's the whole day... and it's a work day :-(

 

[Morphinekiss]

I just had a fucking heart attack. The least you could do is go buy me a damn blood pressure monitor so I can keep up with my numbers like I'm supposed to. If I'm lucky I'll just kick the bucket and won't have to ctb.

 

[Scribble Fan]

My mental state continues to decline with increased spikes of anxiety and paranoia. These feelings make me want to rake my nails down my face, scream, and tear my hair out. I need an outlet or I'm going to burst into some kind of psychotic meltdown.

Time to pick up video games again, haha.

 

[Morphinekiss]

One minute I want to get healthy and fix my heart and these tumors to be benign and really make something of my life.

Then I remember I'm laying in a room alone and the only people who have checked on me are family because they're obligated to, so what is the point of getting healthy and trying again. I have no one and nothing.

Bring me the cocaine and cheeseburgers so I can have another damn heart attack!!!

 

[blanketyblk]

It's weird, i have someone over in my house at the moment. first time in about 9 months. she is even cooking......

 

[AhG]

This is sad. Our society is killing us, and we're all just standing here letting it happen.
Today they found a 29 year old Youtuber/Streamer and his name was Etika, real name Daniel Desmond Amofah. He went missing for almost a week. They found his bag and phone at a bridge and a video he had posted on his secondary channel with the title "I'm sorry" which since has been deleted. The video just basically spoke of having pushed away support and of being "consumed" by internet communities. "Let my story be one that advises caution on too much of the social media shit," he said. "It will fuck you up and give you an image of what you want your life to be. ... Unfortunately, it consumed me." They found his body today along side the river.
He clearly showed signs of mental illness last year and needed help. Yes, I understand he pushed people away, but this man was crying for help and everybody just let him down. It kinda just seems like nobody tried harder to save him even though he pushed them away.
My random thought is, why is social media trying to kill us? We are so consumed by what others have and what others think of us that it's basically draining our mentality to try to be like everybody else. I know I have seen threads about people speaking of not using it, but for some it does take a toll on the streamers/youtubers/any regular person who care enough about these types of standards we have to live up to.
Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[Morphinekiss]

It's weird, i have someone over in my house at the moment. first time in about 9 months. she is even cooking......

Is it good food? Keep her.