Random thoughts

[throwaway123]

If I were to tell you who ruined my life at first I would say a handful of people. However after careful consideration I've come to the conclusion that it simply is all of society.

We live in a very sick world with a sick society that is filled with even more sick people.

The most amount of damage done to me is probably a handful of people. To those people I can only wish hell. They deserve the worst suffering possible.

I know this feeling...

I know it too.


I wish it stopped being there. I don't want to feel this pain any longer.

 

[RM5998]

I was running through random SCPs when I came across this, from SCP-2085:

Like, just look at a bunch of kids playing pretend on the playground. They see the world, look out at it, and then go 'No, fuck you world, I'm going to make something better, I'm going to be something better.' They aren't going to laugh at the space wizards and cyborg catgirls, because they want to be the space wizards and cyborg catgirls. They're going to build spaceships and go to the moon and let nothing get in their way. Then they grow up, and find out that the world is built on broken dreams. They give their dreams to the world to find a place in the machine and the world tells them to build a box. They stick themselves in the box and sit there until they die, and the boxes go on until the universe ends. That's the box the girls were fighting against. That's the box I'm fighting against. We're going to be what the rest of the world could be, do what the rest of the world could do, take all those dreams and bring them back. If we need to get our hands dirty, so be it. The world is dirty and we have to deal with it until we can make something better. We're going to remind the world what it's like to not live inside a box.

Struck a chord there...

 

[Donewith_]

Here I am again at square one..
Feeling like a new born child, scared and clueless. I wish I can't feel pain.. I don't want to feel anything whatever that makes me. Want this game and shit to be over.
Hope someone comes and takes me to the other side.
emptiness in the air

 

[Imgonnahangmyself]

I can't stop thinking about you, but you probably never think of me. You probably don't even know who I am

 

[Scribble Fan]

Staying alive for someone else feels like being trapped and tortured in a cage for their sake. I love them but I don't want to be here any longer. I just wish they'd forget I ever existed, it's all so frustrating. The golden exit is right in front of me but I can't escape or they will suffer immensely. The stress and panic just build up until they're unbearable and I can't breathe anymore in this perpetual cycle of suffocation.

Then my reward for toughing this out is more pain and suffering. I'll begin to feel temporarily better, find some false sense of progress, only so I can decay back into my lowest state. Time and again.

In the end, if I succeed in surviving so they can live a (hopefully) normal life, we'll both die anyways and it'll be like we never even existed in the first place... what the fuck is this shit. It's bizzare. I can hardly make it through five years, how am I going to get through several decades? Easy, I wont. Refusing this garbage is the most tempting answer I constantly have to fight.

For what?

 

[AhG]

Staying alive for someone else feels like being trapped and tortured in a cage for their sake. I love them but I don't want to be here any longer. I just wish they'd forget I ever existed, it's all so frustrating. The golden exit is right in front of me but I can't escape or they will suffer immensely. The stress and panic just build up until they're unbearable and I can't breathe anymore in this perpetual cycle of suffocation.

Then my reward for toughing this out is more pain and suffering. I'll begin to feel temporarily better, find some false sense of progress, only so I can decay back into my lowest state. Time and again.

In the end, if I succeed in surviving so they can live a (hopefully) normal life, we'll both die anyways and it'll be like we never even existed in the first place... what the fuck is this shit. It's bizzare. I can hardly make it through five years, how am I going to get through several decades? Easy, I wont. Refusing this garbage is the most tempting answer I constantly have to fight.

For what?

Wow, this hit everything I've been needing to say. I'm staying alive for someone who cares about me, but doesn't care in the way I want them to. Truthfully, I wish I didn't care enough to stay, but sadly, my heart won't let me.
Thank you for saying the words I couldn't say.

 

[blueming]

These days I'm hurt by the smallest things

 

[throwaway777]

i want to be nothing

 

[mattwitt]

Well I was trolled by my own shower this morning. I was in there doing my thing and I was like "this shower gel sure smells perfumy." Turns out it's for women I guess. But I feel like this bottle is pretty manly/gender ambiguous, even though I was a dumbass for buying it. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind or judging things incorrectly a lot. I hate that.

When I was in high school the only shampoo my mom ever bought and I used was "strawberry suave" so I always spent the worse years of my life smelling very pretty all of the time : )

 

[LaBrava]

God, the number of hoops I have to jump through to get my chosen method set up. To buy bitcoin to buy the stuff I have to set up online banking. And now it turns out I can't make an online payment for 72 hours after setting up. And bitcoin sellers want photo id, so I have to figure out how to do that.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Well I was trolled by my own shower this morning. I was in there doing my thing and I was like "this shower gel sure smells perfumy." Turns out it's for women I guess. But I feel like this bottle is pretty manly/gender ambiguous, even though I was a dumbass for buying it. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind or judging things incorrectly a lot. I hate that.

Fuck it, man. I use women's shampoos and conditioners with no problem. They make my hair soft and smell nice. Men's shampoos come in two scents: nothing and mint, and they don't give the same hair softness as women's.

 

[thatguyakira123]

Some days I think I'll stay alive, some days I wish I died in my sleep. Today was just too much for me. I'm just so sick of living with self centered people. And I don't wanna say that about my mom cuz I'm still living with her, I'm 29yo and she still cooks for me. But at the same time she says manipulative shit like she's alone when in reality she's always going by friends or family memebers to hang out or they always come and see her or they always call her. Meanwhile I am here, I have NO FRIENDS and my family gives zero shits about me. When I'm not skateboarding alone I am in my room.

Oh and get this, Saturaday is my Dad's death anniversary so she's having a Party/Prays hybrid thing. There's gonna be a shit ton of people who I don't want to be around becuase anxiety and she knows I hate crowds ESPECIALLY family ones but she's still foring me to partake in it cuz impressing other people is more important. One of the setbacks of it being at home. Also she's having prays becuase an asshole pundit who wants to make money off of my Dad's death and a physcic who made her money off of my Dad's death told her my Dad's soul is lingering so she has to do this bullshit ritual that'll only cause her to loose more money she doesn't have. As an atheist who knows relegion is bullshit and who knows prays do not work and knows there is no such thing as souls has to be quietly angry that my father's death is being exploited in this way.

I have just had it with her obession with relegion, money and impressing others/making them feel better instead of concidering my feelings and always playing the "I'm Alone" guilt manipulation card. When I die maybe she would realize how selfish she's been in other parts of my life. But most likely it'll be more of "I wish he came to me with his problems"

 

[throwaway777]

nothing is better than something whatever that is

 

[throwaway123]

Every day I search trough instagram looking at pictures from my former classmates and people in my hometown. All I see are happy people with happy lives.

Knowing I will never be able to have a life like that hurts deep in my soul. CTB is the only thing that's going to make me happy.

 

[Halo13]

I really don't want to go get more X-rays and see a neurosurgeon. I already know my body isn't fixable and everything is degenerating. I already know there's no cure. I'm sick of seeing specialists who offer no solution while constantly reminding me of how fucked up my body has progressed. My doctor kept repeating yesterday "the damage is irreversible, we can only try to make you comfortable" like they've all been saying. It reminds me of being in palliative care or something. I don't see reasons for treating the pain from symptoms when the root causes have no cure. I still can't believe it got so bad and for years no doctor bothered testing me, didn't even believe I was truly that bad. It'd make a difference if a single one of them that ignored my problems said "I'm sorry, truly, I should have tested you." What's worse is the few acquaintances I have don't care whatsoever how I am. No one has ever offered to help me when I'm struggling to carry groceries, obviously on the verge of tears, when I disappear for weeks because I can't get out of bed. Then they complain about idle gossip and trivial, petty bullshit while I can barely stand up.

It's not like I want some fake pity but some acknowledgement that I am suffering instead of ignoring me completely because I'm not interesting, I guess. This is why I put on a mask and pretend it's okay - nobody cares anyways. I'm just alone like every other day. The last time I asked one of those assholes for something, it was my birthday two years ago and I just wanted something worth less than $5. Not only did I get nothing but was ignored also only to discover they'd told everyone I was an asshole for asking. You'd think I was talking about high school kids but nope, full grown adults over 30. I thought growing up people didn't treat each other so horribly but I was wrong. No matter the social circle, caste system or age group, people are all the same. I'm so sick of it all.

 

[thatguyakira123]

Fuck my family. I wish everyone including myself was dead.

 

[Imgonnahangmyself]

I just wanna die. I hate seeing pics of her. But I love her

 

[Manaaja]

Right now I'm watching some parts of FMA Brotherhood in Japanese, and OAWHHG! Scar shares the same voice actor with my husbando! His voice is so cool! Pure heaven! How can a voice be so perfect?

Ah, speaking of FMA. The manga was really good. I have only watched small parts of the two animes, though, mostly to hear the voices and see how the characters look in color.

... I'd really rather talk about this in rl, but I have no-one to talk with. :\ I wish I had a female friend so we could talk about hot anime husbandos all day long, but I'm too ugly and socially anxious to deserve a friend who wants to spend time with me...

 

[kolski]

Why does everyone feel the need to treat me like shit. Ahaha I'm so fucking done

 

[Scribble Fan]

God, I get so much anxiety it feels like I'm always suffocating in... hollowness. It's hard to describe, like there's a barely breathable cloth constantly wrapped around my mouth and the air only provides half the oxygen because the rest is just emptiness. I wish my soul would just lay off and give me a break.

 

[throwaway123]

I can feel my time has come. It's close. Soon I'll be gone. :(

 

[Imgonnahangmyself]

I can feel my time has come. It's close. Soon I'll be gone. :(

Same I think it will be July

 

[throwaway777]

i hate myself i want to destroy myself

 

[thatonekris]

Here's something random: the thought that I have isolated myself for so long now that I have lost contact with most/all of my friends that I don't even know what to say to them if I were to reach out. Anyone else deal with social anxiety and who thinks its due to being severely depressed? Because damn, isolation is fun and all but literally not being ABLE to socialize even when you want to/need to is not fun.

 

[horny suicide]

It's been 8 months since the only person I've ever cared about ghosted me and I still think about them every hour of every day. Life is shit

 

[Scribble Fan]

Maybe I need to accept that I'm an outcast in society. I hate how you always have to lie with your face and pretend to be happy, get involved in stuff I don't care about, live up to constant nonsensical standards to fit in, just faking everything in general. What's the appeal of being plastic? Why?

It's stupid. I'm done. I'll do the bare minimum to appear "normal" so I can blend in and be left alone but I'll be an outsider deep down. I don't want any more of that rat race snake oil they're peddling as goods, none of it makes sense anyway. I'm tired of feeling worthless shame.

 

[15dec]

Even when things seem to get better there's still a nagging feeling that I should ctb anyway. Sometimes I feel like I physically can't be happy, and the moment I start to feel positive something stops me and reminds me that I'll inevitably go back to being miserable.

 

[inconsequential]

More surgeries coming up. Horrible MRI results. Everything is just getting worse. I remember the pain after the last one... and the one before that. Every time they fix something, something else breaks. It's tiring.

The sun is shining, but it's raining. Appropriate.

 

[SkyBlue]

Even when things seem to get better there's still a nagging feeling that I should ctb anyway. Sometimes I feel like I physically can't be happy, and the moment I start to feel positive something stops me and reminds me that I'll inevitably go back to being miserable.

What kind of somethings? Like really substantial? And have you tried antidepressants?

 

[Manaaja]

I've seen dreams where I have a real dad, a good dad, who hugs me and tells me he loves me everyday. He would do anything for me, his child. And meanwhile I'd say to him "I love you dad, you're the world's best dad!" and he would start to smile and cry. Imagine your dad asking you, if want to spend time with him. God, this cuts my heart so much. I love you, my real dad, even if I have only met you in dreams for now. I hope I can someday meet you in a more physical manner.