So my grandma died. She didn't read my last message where I texted her that I love her. But I texted that earlier and in every message there was beating, red heart. Honestly, I struggled to communicate with her. They once blamed me for the death of my grandfather and this left scars. I wasn't angry on them but it triggered something in my psyche that wasn't able to heal.
I texted her every 3 days the over the last weeks. She enjoyed small talk. I tried to show her that she means much to me, that I think about her and that I love her. Maybe I should visited her a second time in the hospital. But I really struggled with closeness. I was sort of scared to talk to my grandma. But over texting her I can show her more how much she means to me. And then I tried to do that. I think for me it also about possible regrets when someone dies. I really like the last two messages that she read from me. But I wish she could have also read the last message.
My mom is pretty hit. She cried a lot. And told me to sit down when she explained me her death. Honestly, I didn't cry. And I was more calm maybe because I didn't have to witness how horrible her condition was. She was very weak when I met her. I tried to comfort my mom. I struggle with physical closeness to my mom. I hate touching her because she abused the shit out of me as child. But today I tried to comfort her as good as possible.
I think such an event is worse for the ones who have to carry on. Honestly, I am sort of relieved she isn't in this pain anymore. The last thing she had to go through sounded extremely hellish. I talked with friends about it a few days ago and I literally told my friends I hope I never reach an age where such a thing isn't uncommon. She had to go through a lot. The last year was very very rough. Personally, when I kill myself I will probably remind myself that I escape such a possible outcome of my life. I told my friends I hope I die naturally at 70 because from that time point is usually goes down for most people. Not for all. But I think for way too many. My friends disagreed with that. But they have a different relation to life and death.
I am not sure whether I am too calm. I felt really bad when thinking she could not read my last message. Or remorse I didn't meet her one more time. I could have visited her last weekend my mom told me she didn't want anyone to visit her anymore and that she slept anyway. They put her on very strong pain killers.
My grandmother was very religious. But I think she also wanted that this pain ends. She alluded to it to me and to the clinic staff. And from what I can tell it was extreme really extreme pain. My mom said she finds it horrible that she had to die like that. But with my granddad who died from a stroke they also considered the death horrible. I think my mom needs time to heal. I tried to do some things she liked. Honestly, I think losing a loved one to death is usually traumatizing. And most people rely on rationalizations to cope with it. Either consciously or subconsciously.
Honestly, it probably would have been better if my grandma died one year prior without all these horrible clinic stays. But my point is at least now she is at peace. And no more suffering. She lived her life. And most people like life. And most people want to live. I cannot really tell how average people deal with wanting to die. If there is too much stigma and shame towards admitting suicidal thoughts. My grandma told the clinic staff she wished they would kill her with an axe. I am not sure whether assisted suicide would not have been better. However, obviously I am not the person who has to decide that. My grandma feared hell. And during my first major depression where I was suicidal she told me "But what if you go to hell...?". I think this accelerated my path to atheism. But that also was a coping strategy losing my faith.
I never told her I almost killed myself in October 2024. My mom also doesn't know that. I feared they could develop serious health issues when I told them that. I often asked myself whether this was the right decision. I don't like hiding it from them. But in the end I think not knowing it was better for them. I think I also can postpone my suicide until my mom dies. Maybe it would have been better I died that day and maybe my grandmother would have had a better death. On the other hand, if I survived everyone would have also blamed me for the death of my grandmother. If my suicide (attempt) triggered her death.
I rather fear how my family will be able to cope with this. Especially my mom was very emotional. I think I did a way better job than the time my other grandmother died. I was pretty young and I think I barely felt anything. I also didn't know her well. My memories are very vague. I think I didn't do anything. I talked a lot with my mom today. I am scared it could have a bad impact on her health. I am sort of relieved the nightmarish pain for my grandma is over. But I think my mom thinks differently about life and death.
I have a guilty conscience and regrets. But I have the feeling I would have had this anyway. No matter what I did. I was emotionally in my text messages very close to my grandma. And for me this was really really difficult. I think I did more than many other relatives of her.
I think now at evening it hits harder. It is sad she will never read my last text message. Personally, I think though that not everything has to be explained literally over and over again. I tried to show her that I love her frequently over the past weeks and she often thanked me for that.
I won't read this thread again. Now writing about all of this makes things worse. My mom told me I don't have to go to the funeral if it burdens me too much. And honestly my relatives make me really really really uncomfortable so much that I have a very hard time coping with it. I feared this funeral so much. Because honestly I don't want to see any of my relatives again. Never in my whole life. It was also horrible when they blamed me for the death of my grandfather. With whom I had a very close relationship. This also sort of traumatized me. And made my relation to my grandmother harder.
Edit: I read the thread a couple of times. Am I a horrible human being?
So my sister wanted to meet my grandma two weeks ago and my grandma didn't let her in. And my sister cried now a lot because of this. However, this fact eases my guilty conscience. It gives me the impression she was in such a bad shape that she didn't want any people visit her. This is also something my dad once told me. When he felt really bad people visiting him made him really uncomfortable.
I texted her every 3 days the over the last weeks. She enjoyed small talk. I tried to show her that she means much to me, that I think about her and that I love her. Maybe I should visited her a second time in the hospital. But I really struggled with closeness. I was sort of scared to talk to my grandma. But over texting her I can show her more how much she means to me. And then I tried to do that. I think for me it also about possible regrets when someone dies. I really like the last two messages that she read from me. But I wish she could have also read the last message.
My mom is pretty hit. She cried a lot. And told me to sit down when she explained me her death. Honestly, I didn't cry. And I was more calm maybe because I didn't have to witness how horrible her condition was. She was very weak when I met her. I tried to comfort my mom. I struggle with physical closeness to my mom. I hate touching her because she abused the shit out of me as child. But today I tried to comfort her as good as possible.
I think such an event is worse for the ones who have to carry on. Honestly, I am sort of relieved she isn't in this pain anymore. The last thing she had to go through sounded extremely hellish. I talked with friends about it a few days ago and I literally told my friends I hope I never reach an age where such a thing isn't uncommon. She had to go through a lot. The last year was very very rough. Personally, when I kill myself I will probably remind myself that I escape such a possible outcome of my life. I told my friends I hope I die naturally at 70 because from that time point is usually goes down for most people. Not for all. But I think for way too many. My friends disagreed with that. But they have a different relation to life and death.
I am not sure whether I am too calm. I felt really bad when thinking she could not read my last message. Or remorse I didn't meet her one more time. I could have visited her last weekend my mom told me she didn't want anyone to visit her anymore and that she slept anyway. They put her on very strong pain killers.
My grandmother was very religious. But I think she also wanted that this pain ends. She alluded to it to me and to the clinic staff. And from what I can tell it was extreme really extreme pain. My mom said she finds it horrible that she had to die like that. But with my granddad who died from a stroke they also considered the death horrible. I think my mom needs time to heal. I tried to do some things she liked. Honestly, I think losing a loved one to death is usually traumatizing. And most people rely on rationalizations to cope with it. Either consciously or subconsciously.
Honestly, it probably would have been better if my grandma died one year prior without all these horrible clinic stays. But my point is at least now she is at peace. And no more suffering. She lived her life. And most people like life. And most people want to live. I cannot really tell how average people deal with wanting to die. If there is too much stigma and shame towards admitting suicidal thoughts. My grandma told the clinic staff she wished they would kill her with an axe. I am not sure whether assisted suicide would not have been better. However, obviously I am not the person who has to decide that. My grandma feared hell. And during my first major depression where I was suicidal she told me "But what if you go to hell...?". I think this accelerated my path to atheism. But that also was a coping strategy losing my faith.
I never told her I almost killed myself in October 2024. My mom also doesn't know that. I feared they could develop serious health issues when I told them that. I often asked myself whether this was the right decision. I don't like hiding it from them. But in the end I think not knowing it was better for them. I think I also can postpone my suicide until my mom dies. Maybe it would have been better I died that day and maybe my grandmother would have had a better death. On the other hand, if I survived everyone would have also blamed me for the death of my grandmother. If my suicide (attempt) triggered her death.
I rather fear how my family will be able to cope with this. Especially my mom was very emotional. I think I did a way better job than the time my other grandmother died. I was pretty young and I think I barely felt anything. I also didn't know her well. My memories are very vague. I think I didn't do anything. I talked a lot with my mom today. I am scared it could have a bad impact on her health. I am sort of relieved the nightmarish pain for my grandma is over. But I think my mom thinks differently about life and death.
I have a guilty conscience and regrets. But I have the feeling I would have had this anyway. No matter what I did. I was emotionally in my text messages very close to my grandma. And for me this was really really difficult. I think I did more than many other relatives of her.
I think now at evening it hits harder. It is sad she will never read my last text message. Personally, I think though that not everything has to be explained literally over and over again. I tried to show her that I love her frequently over the past weeks and she often thanked me for that.
I won't read this thread again. Now writing about all of this makes things worse. My mom told me I don't have to go to the funeral if it burdens me too much. And honestly my relatives make me really really really uncomfortable so much that I have a very hard time coping with it. I feared this funeral so much. Because honestly I don't want to see any of my relatives again. Never in my whole life. It was also horrible when they blamed me for the death of my grandfather. With whom I had a very close relationship. This also sort of traumatized me. And made my relation to my grandmother harder.
Edit: I read the thread a couple of times. Am I a horrible human being?
So my sister wanted to meet my grandma two weeks ago and my grandma didn't let her in. And my sister cried now a lot because of this. However, this fact eases my guilty conscience. It gives me the impression she was in such a bad shape that she didn't want any people visit her. This is also something my dad once told me. When he felt really bad people visiting him made him really uncomfortable.
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