Many will say you cannot define good and bad people. The world isn't manichean/ black-white. I think though there are bad and evil actions. But I am also very careful because there are many indicators that many things are predetermined. Genes and the environment we grow up in shape us. My personal opinion is that the scope for actions you can consciously decide is very small. And many humans overestimate the scope one has. Though, there are peope that don't care about being a good person. Some people enjoy being nasty to other people. I think it gets really complicated. Because in many cases there is also a story behind that. One should not pathologize evil. But I think many people that I met with mental conditions and a lot of suffering developed unpleasant personal traits. Me too.
One thing before I continue. There will be people who say "fuck bad people" " fuck all of them". Though, taking the societal standards the members of Sanctioned Suicide are considered very evil. And we are judged by the rest of the internet. I think someone on Kiwifarms wrote (I saw this is in a screenshot on here) that SaSu had even a higher death toll than them. And that we were worse than Kiwifarms. And if you read articles by mainstream news outlets you could think that's a common conclusion.
As so often I think it is important to evaluate common consensus critically. This should not be a carte blanche for all sorts of extremisms. I think a lot of issues we have politically and culturally comes from polarization and that too many people radicalize themselves. And some behavior that is shown on here should be questioned. Or the people should ask themselves critical questions.
Though, it is certainly not the reality what the media portrays it to be. The nature of this forum is way more ambivalent. It just throws all members into two categories that actually don't align well. First, of they are death cultists that drive people to kill themselves. And at the same the vast majority of people on here was unable to make life and death decisions. But I digress.
I think I had to face people with bad intentions within the last months. There was my former therapist that ruined my trust in the therapy system by writiing intentionally lies into my medical records. I think she wasn't aware how much damage she did with that. And I think this led to my doubts in the psychiatry. And I post about that frequently on here. Which I consider questionable. Because in general I think people on here should therapy and medication a try. And the other hand, the forum is full of heterogenous stories. There were approaches that saved a person, and they had a lot of success for it while for others they had really bad experiences with it. And they say it ruined their life. I try not to be too cynical towards the mental health industry on here but this episode broke something inside of me. I think the system helped a lot within my life. But know I learned about the other side of it. A side which I only know from stories on here. My personal hope is: that I learn something from it. My trust in therapists is pretty low now. And in my desperation I use chatGPT for everything. It makes me more functional. One has to say I am extremely dysfunctional my whole life. It helped me to find a new self-help group. And made it easier for me to reach out. It helped me to understand my dying grandma and I was able to comfort her before dying and to experience emotional closeness with her. In the longrun chatGPT could fuck me up though. Way more. But actually it also helped me to control my paranoia when texting with women. Something I struggled with extremely.
My point is: I think the things my therapist did were very nasty. But I don't want to adapt to the same standards. And actually this is a game youwill lose. Being out for revenge all the time eats you alive. I think this mindset is very toxic. Because there will be encounters where you will lose. Like my therapist who wasn't punished by the organization. They actually backed her despite the fact it was obvious she was lying. Which was also stunning to me. But the lesson should be to become more aware for injustice, of power assymetries and thankful for patient health workers like my psychiatrist. Maybe this is a narrative that I tell myself. But the conact with my grandma was so uncomfortable for me. And I always blamed my therapist that I had no time for my grandma. And I blamed it on having to write the complaint. After a while I realized I am bullshitting myself. I realized that this was a cheap excuse. And then I faced it and started to text my grandma more frequently before she died. I think one last wish for her was to come to terms with me and people with whom she had a difficult relation with. Her son instead just ignored her and never showed up. And I hopefully think I fulfilled that last wish to my grandma. My hope is I become more empathtic and more self-aware because of this argument with my therapist. I could go on. And I sound like a saint in this story. I think I was a little too derogatory to her in our therapy sessions. I showed I was smarter than her quite openly. And I fueled her wish for revenge on me. There is one detail which is too complicated to explain. And I don't want to elaborate all the details about the complaint.
Another story I cannot let go. I think getting abused by my mom shaped me and the bullying I experienced at school. I think my mind is very antagonistic. I perceive threats quickly and try to be prepared. I feel like in an fight very easily. I think this hypervigilance is really not good for one's mental health. And the things that happened to me within the last months were not good for my catastrohpizing of social interactions. I think I get a lot of self-worth by appearing smart and self-aware. And maybe I subconsciously devalue people who are less smart or less self-aware.
There was situation in my former self-help group. There organizer became really abusive. She tried to bully me over some months. She had borderline. And first she idealized me and then started to hate me. I think the moment she felt anger towards me was. She noticed that I sort of judged her for how she treats her boyfriend and other men. She dated me (and she completely bullshitted me. She never learned I almost killed myself because of that) and dated 5 other men behind the back of her boyfriend. And honestly this something I judge pretty hardly. This doesn't align with my personal values. On the other hand, I saw that this behavior was totally pathologically. It was the way how she functions. And I am quite sure she cannot change that behavior. I tried not to show her that find this behavior really not good. She started to bully me more and more and I think at one point I wasn't able to hide what I really think about this behavior. But I also feel sorry for that. I have the feeling the only thing she can change is her self-perception. And well my impact wasn't good. However, she tried to look for my weak points. And one thing she spotted was I try to be a good person. And she thought I would not retaliate. Though, by knowing my reaction to her behavior hit her even harder. I am not sure what I could learn from this experience. I tried to appease her when she tried to bully me over months. Eventually, I just cut the contact because I realized at this point of time there was no going back in our relationship. I think I hurt her a lot. Personally, I try to let go of perceving someone else I have a conflict with as my enemy. I fear karma and I try to be a good person. So it is also in my self-interest trying to contribute to something positively. On the other hand, my inner thoughts often become tribunals and I self-loath me extremely over things that happened years ago. That make me think I deserve all of this pain. But that's really unhealthy.
I think I will end it here. I hope I don't hurt too many people with borderline disorders when they read my posts.
One thing before I continue. There will be people who say "fuck bad people" " fuck all of them". Though, taking the societal standards the members of Sanctioned Suicide are considered very evil. And we are judged by the rest of the internet. I think someone on Kiwifarms wrote (I saw this is in a screenshot on here) that SaSu had even a higher death toll than them. And that we were worse than Kiwifarms. And if you read articles by mainstream news outlets you could think that's a common conclusion.
As so often I think it is important to evaluate common consensus critically. This should not be a carte blanche for all sorts of extremisms. I think a lot of issues we have politically and culturally comes from polarization and that too many people radicalize themselves. And some behavior that is shown on here should be questioned. Or the people should ask themselves critical questions.
Though, it is certainly not the reality what the media portrays it to be. The nature of this forum is way more ambivalent. It just throws all members into two categories that actually don't align well. First, of they are death cultists that drive people to kill themselves. And at the same the vast majority of people on here was unable to make life and death decisions. But I digress.
I think I had to face people with bad intentions within the last months. There was my former therapist that ruined my trust in the therapy system by writiing intentionally lies into my medical records. I think she wasn't aware how much damage she did with that. And I think this led to my doubts in the psychiatry. And I post about that frequently on here. Which I consider questionable. Because in general I think people on here should therapy and medication a try. And the other hand, the forum is full of heterogenous stories. There were approaches that saved a person, and they had a lot of success for it while for others they had really bad experiences with it. And they say it ruined their life. I try not to be too cynical towards the mental health industry on here but this episode broke something inside of me. I think the system helped a lot within my life. But know I learned about the other side of it. A side which I only know from stories on here. My personal hope is: that I learn something from it. My trust in therapists is pretty low now. And in my desperation I use chatGPT for everything. It makes me more functional. One has to say I am extremely dysfunctional my whole life. It helped me to find a new self-help group. And made it easier for me to reach out. It helped me to understand my dying grandma and I was able to comfort her before dying and to experience emotional closeness with her. In the longrun chatGPT could fuck me up though. Way more. But actually it also helped me to control my paranoia when texting with women. Something I struggled with extremely.
My point is: I think the things my therapist did were very nasty. But I don't want to adapt to the same standards. And actually this is a game youwill lose. Being out for revenge all the time eats you alive. I think this mindset is very toxic. Because there will be encounters where you will lose. Like my therapist who wasn't punished by the organization. They actually backed her despite the fact it was obvious she was lying. Which was also stunning to me. But the lesson should be to become more aware for injustice, of power assymetries and thankful for patient health workers like my psychiatrist. Maybe this is a narrative that I tell myself. But the conact with my grandma was so uncomfortable for me. And I always blamed my therapist that I had no time for my grandma. And I blamed it on having to write the complaint. After a while I realized I am bullshitting myself. I realized that this was a cheap excuse. And then I faced it and started to text my grandma more frequently before she died. I think one last wish for her was to come to terms with me and people with whom she had a difficult relation with. Her son instead just ignored her and never showed up. And I hopefully think I fulfilled that last wish to my grandma. My hope is I become more empathtic and more self-aware because of this argument with my therapist. I could go on. And I sound like a saint in this story. I think I was a little too derogatory to her in our therapy sessions. I showed I was smarter than her quite openly. And I fueled her wish for revenge on me. There is one detail which is too complicated to explain. And I don't want to elaborate all the details about the complaint.
Another story I cannot let go. I think getting abused by my mom shaped me and the bullying I experienced at school. I think my mind is very antagonistic. I perceive threats quickly and try to be prepared. I feel like in an fight very easily. I think this hypervigilance is really not good for one's mental health. And the things that happened to me within the last months were not good for my catastrohpizing of social interactions. I think I get a lot of self-worth by appearing smart and self-aware. And maybe I subconsciously devalue people who are less smart or less self-aware.
There was situation in my former self-help group. There organizer became really abusive. She tried to bully me over some months. She had borderline. And first she idealized me and then started to hate me. I think the moment she felt anger towards me was. She noticed that I sort of judged her for how she treats her boyfriend and other men. She dated me (and she completely bullshitted me. She never learned I almost killed myself because of that) and dated 5 other men behind the back of her boyfriend. And honestly this something I judge pretty hardly. This doesn't align with my personal values. On the other hand, I saw that this behavior was totally pathologically. It was the way how she functions. And I am quite sure she cannot change that behavior. I tried not to show her that find this behavior really not good. She started to bully me more and more and I think at one point I wasn't able to hide what I really think about this behavior. But I also feel sorry for that. I have the feeling the only thing she can change is her self-perception. And well my impact wasn't good. However, she tried to look for my weak points. And one thing she spotted was I try to be a good person. And she thought I would not retaliate. Though, by knowing my reaction to her behavior hit her even harder. I am not sure what I could learn from this experience. I tried to appease her when she tried to bully me over months. Eventually, I just cut the contact because I realized at this point of time there was no going back in our relationship. I think I hurt her a lot. Personally, I try to let go of perceving someone else I have a conflict with as my enemy. I fear karma and I try to be a good person. So it is also in my self-interest trying to contribute to something positively. On the other hand, my inner thoughts often become tribunals and I self-loath me extremely over things that happened years ago. That make me think I deserve all of this pain. But that's really unhealthy.
I think I will end it here. I hope I don't hurt too many people with borderline disorders when they read my posts.
)
