I still think too much about my way too good looking dentist. I talked with a friend. I showed him a picture of the female co-worker of my friend who now lives in Japan. And he told me she is looking so good that he considers her completely out of reach. And honestly I have a similar opinion on my dentist.
Her dating experience must be completely diametrical to mine. She is a 10/10, probably quite smart, ambitious, she is really empathetic/kind and earns a lot of money.
But I am not sure whether I am idealizing her. This is just my perception with her behavior at work.
I gave her a boosted like on a dating app. Nothing came back. I just considered her interesting. Maybe it was slightly awkward. But in real life I acted like this never happened and I certainly won't doubledown on it. Actually this happened now more than 12 months ago and she probably considers this irrelevant now.
I had some issues with a filling and my night guard. And she made me a little bit nervous with a joke about a mistake she (probably) has done. It wasn't a horrible mistake but my night guard was not perfectly adjusted. She said something like "You immediately notice the night guard wasn't made by us." Well it was. Moreover, I had pain in my tooth after a filling for quite some time. Eventually it turned out she was right with her assumption my grinding was the reason.
Honestly, always when I interact with people who have made it in their life. Who have a career, accomplished something, who reached their goals I envy them. And I wish I was on their side of life.
Before developing my first psychosis I felt extremely lonely because I wasn't able to share my pain. While at the same time I thought I had to cut the contact with my friends because their presence was a hindrance to furthering my career. This was sort of insane. I was so ambitious that I didn't want to do anything but studying. This obsession probably stems from the domestic abuse I experienced. I told my friends about these thoughts and we could laugh about it. Due to my several deeply existential crises my friendship with them became a lot closer. And I opened up about my emotions. I have the feeling I would have missed out that if I only followed my goal furthering my career. Honestly, I don't think I am smart enough to reach my ambitious goals with medium effort. I dated really highly gifted women. And their time at the university sounded like way more fun than mine.
Obviously you cannot conclude all people who have a career and high reputation they had no close friends. I think though not many people have as close friends as me. There was an article of a neoliberal newspaper that I read. I sent the passage to my friends. The newspaper recommended friendships and hobbies as "security ressources". And developing them while being employed was like a safety net for the time when you want to retire. They made like a theory of the utility of friendships and hobbies. It sounded like both of them were a luxury good when being employed. I commented in a chat with my friends "This is the capitalistic society how it is envisioned and desired by the FAZ (German newspaper). I often talk with my friends how horrible adult life is in general. The responsibilities, duties being in the workforce. And a slave to corporations. And even more when you decide to bring children into this world there is this existential weight on your shoulders as a consequence of this choice. I think me and my friends we have nuanced differences which of these things we consider the worst. I could imagine if I didn't have all these severe mental conditions being a journalist or a writer could be fun. On the other hand I should be careful to idealize all of this. "If my mental conditions disappeared I would live a fully happy life at my workplace." I am not sure about that. I think there are good reasons to doubt that. I notice when my worst mental conditions developed with 15 it also shaped my personality. Maybe even for the better on some issues even if it made me more dysfunctional. I have the feeling my thinking became a lot sharper since. And my thoughts became faster and it was easier for me to build connections between ideas. I started to work on myself and I started to educate me. And I really like this aspect about me. Beforehand I ate junk food all day and watched hours of trash TV on a daily basis. Even though I will never reach the level I desire. I still like my current goals more.
I know I ramble a lot. But there is still this connection. I think all this suffering taught me a lot. I think I can be more empathetic to victims of abuse. But back to the core question of this thread. I think I had a hard time to compete at work and at the same time remaining an empathetic human being.
To come back to a concrete example. I associate with a career things that are the cherry on the top of it. And not the daily routines. I am a hard worker. But I think even many highly educated people end up in horrible jobs. I think I once was at a proctologist and he hated having to deal with people who had poop in their anus.
The working conditions my dentist has sound pretty bad. The practice was full of people, she had big time pressure, it was very hot in room, the room smelled really bad. And honestly I read the smell is one of the worst things at this job. Some people have rotten teeth. It is quite common the halitosis of the patient is really bad. Always before I go there I spend a lot time on dental hygiene. And then you as a dentist are aware that you should not show your disgust or distress having to deal with all of this. Your actions have to be highly precise. The patients are often unthankful. The patients are often anxious, you have to calm them, you have to give them advices while at the same time not acting like a lecturer. Something I would be scared about. Dentists have a higher rate of developing oral herpes because they interact with the mouths of so many patients. And they have a higher suicide rate. But not as high as some myths claim it to be. Maybe I make this job sound worse than it actually is.
Maybe there are some downsides of such a career. I really don't like my life. But honestly I would fold pretty quickly having to deal with all of this. And honestly I am not sure whether for me the money would be worth it. But all of this is highly subjective. And the economy relies on people like her. I think the risk of a burnout seems not that low. In some ways I am glad I don't have to sacrifice my life and hobbies if my only goal was my career. Maybe I am just bullshitting myself and all of this is copium. I tend to extreme behavior. When I do something and set goals my behavior can be quite excessive. Today I only read 22 articles on politics which roughly costed 4 hours. And I watched a lot of videos on politics. Still I have a guilty conscience this is by far not enough.
I give a short last example. I have an obsession with the quantum physics professor. But he was so down-to-earth and he didn't have to prove his intelligence to anyone. He was extremely smart but he didn't have to show it. I have the feeling I wish I was this smart so that I could stop worrying about intelligence and rest instead. Lol. I wish I could be me and at the same time be at peace with myself. I realized though when I am more at peace with myself I am less creative and my impetus to write texts is lower. Might be an illusion.
I will end it here. Will be watching soccer this evening.
Her dating experience must be completely diametrical to mine. She is a 10/10, probably quite smart, ambitious, she is really empathetic/kind and earns a lot of money.
But I am not sure whether I am idealizing her. This is just my perception with her behavior at work.
I gave her a boosted like on a dating app. Nothing came back. I just considered her interesting. Maybe it was slightly awkward. But in real life I acted like this never happened and I certainly won't doubledown on it. Actually this happened now more than 12 months ago and she probably considers this irrelevant now.
I had some issues with a filling and my night guard. And she made me a little bit nervous with a joke about a mistake she (probably) has done. It wasn't a horrible mistake but my night guard was not perfectly adjusted. She said something like "You immediately notice the night guard wasn't made by us." Well it was. Moreover, I had pain in my tooth after a filling for quite some time. Eventually it turned out she was right with her assumption my grinding was the reason.
Honestly, always when I interact with people who have made it in their life. Who have a career, accomplished something, who reached their goals I envy them. And I wish I was on their side of life.
Before developing my first psychosis I felt extremely lonely because I wasn't able to share my pain. While at the same time I thought I had to cut the contact with my friends because their presence was a hindrance to furthering my career. This was sort of insane. I was so ambitious that I didn't want to do anything but studying. This obsession probably stems from the domestic abuse I experienced. I told my friends about these thoughts and we could laugh about it. Due to my several deeply existential crises my friendship with them became a lot closer. And I opened up about my emotions. I have the feeling I would have missed out that if I only followed my goal furthering my career. Honestly, I don't think I am smart enough to reach my ambitious goals with medium effort. I dated really highly gifted women. And their time at the university sounded like way more fun than mine.
Obviously you cannot conclude all people who have a career and high reputation they had no close friends. I think though not many people have as close friends as me. There was an article of a neoliberal newspaper that I read. I sent the passage to my friends. The newspaper recommended friendships and hobbies as "security ressources". And developing them while being employed was like a safety net for the time when you want to retire. They made like a theory of the utility of friendships and hobbies. It sounded like both of them were a luxury good when being employed. I commented in a chat with my friends "This is the capitalistic society how it is envisioned and desired by the FAZ (German newspaper). I often talk with my friends how horrible adult life is in general. The responsibilities, duties being in the workforce. And a slave to corporations. And even more when you decide to bring children into this world there is this existential weight on your shoulders as a consequence of this choice. I think me and my friends we have nuanced differences which of these things we consider the worst. I could imagine if I didn't have all these severe mental conditions being a journalist or a writer could be fun. On the other hand I should be careful to idealize all of this. "If my mental conditions disappeared I would live a fully happy life at my workplace." I am not sure about that. I think there are good reasons to doubt that. I notice when my worst mental conditions developed with 15 it also shaped my personality. Maybe even for the better on some issues even if it made me more dysfunctional. I have the feeling my thinking became a lot sharper since. And my thoughts became faster and it was easier for me to build connections between ideas. I started to work on myself and I started to educate me. And I really like this aspect about me. Beforehand I ate junk food all day and watched hours of trash TV on a daily basis. Even though I will never reach the level I desire. I still like my current goals more.
I know I ramble a lot. But there is still this connection. I think all this suffering taught me a lot. I think I can be more empathetic to victims of abuse. But back to the core question of this thread. I think I had a hard time to compete at work and at the same time remaining an empathetic human being.
To come back to a concrete example. I associate with a career things that are the cherry on the top of it. And not the daily routines. I am a hard worker. But I think even many highly educated people end up in horrible jobs. I think I once was at a proctologist and he hated having to deal with people who had poop in their anus.
The working conditions my dentist has sound pretty bad. The practice was full of people, she had big time pressure, it was very hot in room, the room smelled really bad. And honestly I read the smell is one of the worst things at this job. Some people have rotten teeth. It is quite common the halitosis of the patient is really bad. Always before I go there I spend a lot time on dental hygiene. And then you as a dentist are aware that you should not show your disgust or distress having to deal with all of this. Your actions have to be highly precise. The patients are often unthankful. The patients are often anxious, you have to calm them, you have to give them advices while at the same time not acting like a lecturer. Something I would be scared about. Dentists have a higher rate of developing oral herpes because they interact with the mouths of so many patients. And they have a higher suicide rate. But not as high as some myths claim it to be. Maybe I make this job sound worse than it actually is.
Maybe there are some downsides of such a career. I really don't like my life. But honestly I would fold pretty quickly having to deal with all of this. And honestly I am not sure whether for me the money would be worth it. But all of this is highly subjective. And the economy relies on people like her. I think the risk of a burnout seems not that low. In some ways I am glad I don't have to sacrifice my life and hobbies if my only goal was my career. Maybe I am just bullshitting myself and all of this is copium. I tend to extreme behavior. When I do something and set goals my behavior can be quite excessive. Today I only read 22 articles on politics which roughly costed 4 hours. And I watched a lot of videos on politics. Still I have a guilty conscience this is by far not enough.
I give a short last example. I have an obsession with the quantum physics professor. But he was so down-to-earth and he didn't have to prove his intelligence to anyone. He was extremely smart but he didn't have to show it. I have the feeling I wish I was this smart so that I could stop worrying about intelligence and rest instead. Lol. I wish I could be me and at the same time be at peace with myself. I realized though when I am more at peace with myself I am less creative and my impetus to write texts is lower. Might be an illusion.
I will end it here. Will be watching soccer this evening.
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