Random thoughts

[millefeui]

One of the nice things about being dead is I'll never have to deal with an asshole again.

Never having to deal with anything again. Maybe it is just me, but sometimes even breathing is a pain the butt.

 

[Trashcan]

Never having to deal with anything again. Maybe it is just me, but sometimes even breathing is a pain the butt.

So fucking true. I can't wait to kick that chair and know that within 15 seconds, it will be eternal nothingness for me. It will be like I never even existed. October 30 (the day after I ctb) cannot come fast enough.

 

[Trashcan]

Also was thinking today... I don't really have any friends. My siblings will be indifferent when I ctb, or relieved. My parents might be a little upset, but they'll probably move on real quick. Doubt anyone at work or my classes will give af.

 

[Miss clefable]

Waking up every morning getting increasingly angrier

 

[millefeui]

Waking up every morning getting increasingly angrier

Same except when I wake up it is almost night

 

[Maravillosa]

Also was thinking today... I don't really have any friends. My siblings will be indifferent when I ctb, or relieved. My parents might be a little upset, but they'll probably move on real quick. Doubt anyone at work or my classes will give af.

My brother would not be indifferent or relieved if I were to ctb -- he thinks ctb is selfish. He would probably detest my memory for the rest of his life. My friends and associates from church would be shocked if/when I ctb. Some might even miss me, at least for a while. I dare not ctb while my mother is alive -- I do not want to send her to a convalescent home (which she would hate). To think that she could be bedridden and incontinent for another 10 years while her memory continues to deteriorate... I would be glad to ctb, I think, once Mom is gone. I really really really detest helping Mom with her bedpan -- the diaper is not so bad, but I would be ecstatic if Mom could walk to the bathroom, even with the help of a walker, and if she could clean herself up without my help. Strange that little things like that would make me so happy...

 

[millefeui]

My mother as selfish as she is, will probably flip when I die. I am the baby she desired, that she asked God to give her so much. Even though, at the end of the day, I am almost the opposite of the person she hoped I was going to become, she still cares about me in her bizarre way. She is also very religious, the kind who thinks suicide = ticket to hell, so there is that. Who knows, maybe she is right and will have a cup of tea with Satan a few years from now. I can only hope he is a chill guy.

My mother's oldest sister, my aunt, is someone I care deeply about. She is honestly who I consider to be my true mother. She is old and I fear she might have a heart attack or something when she finds out about my death. That said, I am deeply sorry for being selfish, but I am tired of living for others. I lived for others my whole life, and I will die for myself.

There is my younger brother. When I told him about my plans, he cried his eyes out (he was 15 at the time, and he is almost 17 now). He said he didn't want to lose me because I am more of a mother to him than our own mother. I was surprised by that statement, but looking back, I was truly more of a mother. I pretty much raised him, since my mother seemed to be scared of doing her job (my theory is that she thinks she failed when raising me, and was afraid of failing again... who knows). He is a pretty cool guy so I guess I did one thing right in this life. I don't want to break him, but my statement above remains true. I will die for myself. Fuck caring about others.

Last but not least, my only friend has accepted my decision even if disagrees with it. He says he will stick by me until I die, so I guess even though I had no friends for most of my life, at least I have a good one now, so there is that. I am the shittiest friend though so I am doing him a favor, in the end.

When my days with my doggo end, I will be a goner, too.

My father... No comments.

 

[ParamitePie]

Now, as in all times, the future belongs to the cultured thug. For some reason, people find that detestable.

 

[millefeui]

Reiner!! Yarundana?! Ima?! Koko de?!

Yep... It is a thought in my head, and it is random.

 

[RM5998]

I want to ask my mom why she didn't abort me. Then again, I don't think I want to know.

 

[samsays89]

I want to ask my mom why she didn't abort me. Then again, I don't think I want to know.

Same. My father was a drunk and my mother was an idiot and I'm the only reason they married. I should have been aborted instead of being abused and neglected until I moved out where distractions and alcohol are all that get me by.

The most good I've done (other than work for my company) is take in a shelter dog and give her an excellent life with adventures and great food. She's asleep in my arms right now.

 

[RM5998]

Same. My father was a drunk and my mother was an idiot and I'm the only reason they married. I should have been aborted instead of being abused and neglected until I moved out where distractions and alcohol are all that get me by.

The most good I've done (other than work for my company) is take in a shelter dog and give her an excellent life with adventures and great food. She's asleep in my arms right now.

That sounds pretty horrible. I've never had actual suffering to deal with.

Considering how much people like pets here, and how indifferent I am to them, there must be something truly wrong with me. Maybe it's a sign that I'm not supposed to be. Yeah, I'll take that.

 

[Trashcan]

Part of the reason I want to ctb is because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am not capable or willing to go beyond an associates degree. There are two associates degrees I could make a living with. One of them is very heavily science based, so I'll probably fail at that, and you don't even make that much. The other makes more, about 70k a year, but I'd be cleaning teeth. It would be so boring, but that might be my only option. But I'm also worried because some places require you to have a bachelors, and I'm worried it will be one of those jobs that starts requiring a bachelors. I know many careers are requiring higher levels of education. For example, in my state, you can no longer become a nurse with an associates degree. You must get a bachelors. You can no longer be a physical therapist with a masters degree. You must get a doctorate. Wouldn't be surprised if dental hygienist would require a bachelors in the not too distant future, which is expensive and I'm not capable of it. I also hate school. Every time I'm in class, study, or do homework, all I can think about is hanging myself. And I dislike work as well. I dread the idea of doing something I hate for most of my waking hours and maybe getting one or two weeks off of work each year. I also don't give af about teeth. I cannot wait for October 29, the day I ctb. Hopefully I don't wimp out.

 

[starcrossedfate]

I've seen it all. I've seen enough. It's time.

 

[Sayo]

My dog died the other day. I knew it was coming at some point before the end of the year. (To be clear, he was not suffering - his type of cancer is usually asymptomatic until it kills and he was quite happy and well. Pretty much the dream for some of you here, but it's my dog.) I've been lying on my bed pseudocatatonic since he was taken away two days ago or so. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.

 

[Maravillosa]

My dog died the other day. I knew it was coming at some point before the end of the year. (To be clear, he was not suffering - his type of cancer is usually asymptomatic until it kills and he was quite happy and well. Pretty much the dream for some of you here, but it's my dog.) I've been lying on my bed pseudocatatonic since he was taken away two days ago or so. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.

I am so sorry about the death of your dog, Sayo. Pets often feel like perpetual children. It must be very hard.

 

[lv-gras]

@Sayo so sorry for your loss

hugs

 

[Trashcan]

My dog died the other day. I knew it was coming at some point before the end of the year. (To be clear, he was not suffering - his type of cancer is usually asymptomatic until it kills and he was quite happy and well. Pretty much the dream for some of you here, but it's my dog.) I've been lying on my bed pseudocatatonic since he was taken away two days ago or so. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.

*hugs* I am so sorry

 

[RM5998]

My dog died the other day. I knew it was coming at some point before the end of the year. (To be clear, he was not suffering - his type of cancer is usually asymptomatic until it kills and he was quite happy and well. Pretty much the dream for some of you here, but it's my dog.) I've been lying on my bed pseudocatatonic since he was taken away two days ago or so. This is the first time I have acknowledged it.

That must have been extremely rough on you. I'm really sorry for your loss *hugs offered*.

 

[millefeui]

This scared the living hell out of me when I first played this game:



Don't usually expect hydras to huh, "fly"

 

[Life sucks]

I really really miss Desperate_Soul, I never interacted with her but wanted to and she was very active in the games topics. I hope she found peace.

 

[Trashcan]

I post a lot. And I want it to be October 30 already (the day after I ctb).

 

[Sayo]

I am so sorry about the death of your dog, Sayo. Pets often feel like perpetual children. It must be very hard.

Thank you, how well you worded it. In a way it's so hard to face up to because of the disappearance of someone so pure and innocent, never mind the dependence and trust just like a child's.

Thank you, @lv-gras, @Trashcan, @RM5998, everyone for your sympathy. It helps a lot, especially as I struggle to talk about it.

 

[onewayroad]

I was just thinking about how kind everyone is on here.

And the reason is kind of funny. It takes a certain kind of persistent mental agony to want to ctb, and nearly all of us have that in common. The causes of that suffering might be different, but I think it's still similar. We know how horrible we feel, and at least I assume that others are feeling a similar thing.

It's like we're a couple of soldiers in war that have both had a leg blown off by a landmine. A bond forms. But there's lots of us.

It's very bittersweet, because I have this connection to you but I know that chances are I'll be saying goodbye to each of you as you go, and then one day whoever is left will be saying goodbye to me.

It's a strange and melancholy thing, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Love you all.

 

[bunny]

i am not in my body. i am not here. i do not exist

 

[your pathologist]

Painful to be awake, impossible to sleep, the dreams i do have when i snooze for 10 or so minutes are painful. My thoughts are a prison. My chest is tight it's hard to breathe, my head hurts its hard to block all these memories. Why can't i fkn do it already. This isn't living. Im already dead

 

[Lunar]

 

[millefeui]

You know, I was watching Shingeki no Kyojin for the 50th time and the thought crossed my mind "Man, I wish I could be there to give that girl a hug. Just say she isn't alone going through all of this shit."

And that thought made me think... What if I am in this disgusting world right now because I had this kind of thought in the past? What if I am here because I wanted to stay by someone who needed me. Man, if I did that I am dumber than I expected.

 

[RM5998]

You know, I was watching Shingeki no Kyojin for the 50th time and the thought crossed my mind "Man, I wish I could be there to give that girl a hug. Just say she isn't alone going through all of this shit."

And that thought made me think... What if I am in this disgusting world right now because I had this kind of thought in the past? What if I am here because I wanted to stay by someone who needed me. Man, if I did that I am dumber than I expected.

A recursive loop with this idea needs to be optioned for a show... Probably filmed like The Tatami Galaxy was.

 

[RM5998]

@EvilAngelGoddess, thanks for spreading likes. It always puts a smile on my face.