I told my mom how I felt and I think she understood

[ghostspace]

We both cried a lot.

I explained that I don't want to die, that I love life and being alive and humans in general, but that while I think life is worth living, the pain I'm in isn't worth enduring.

She brought up the usual 'there could be such good things in your future' which makes me sad but also it's nice how she never gives up hoping. I told her that there probably are good things in my future but that I can't get there because of what I'm suffering from. It would be like telling a starving, dehydrated person that there's an oasis ten miles away if they could just find a way to make it there, they'd have relief for a while.

She obviously doesn't agree with me wanting to die (it would be horrible if she did) but we had a good conversation and I felt heard.

Something has completely changed inside me. I feel like I'm dying. Everything feels different, like I'm close.

I know those feelings are just feelings and it's possible I'll end up in treatment my whole life instead of CTB, but the sense that it's almost over is very, very present. Just a little while longer.

I've never been on this level of suicidal ideation; it's calmness that's periodically interrupted by panic and grief and I feel more like a ghost than I ever have before. I think I'm going to go mid November, I know my family will be devastated but at least they'll know I'm not in pain anymore.

I'm sorry I haven't been responding to your messages, I feel completely drained. I guess this is what it feels like to finally have reached the bus stop. I'm homesick but I don't know if it's homesickness for where I am now or for where the bus will take me.

I'll let you guys know when it's time, obviously. I love you all so much.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I'm glad you were able to have that conversation. I hope it helped you get ready for the bus. It was nice seeing you around. Being heard would no doubt feel so validating. We love you too, I'll be looking out for the thread (if there is one) when it's time.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Hey,

I'm very pleased that you had an open discussion with your family.

I have not seen all of your posts, so may I ask what is making you feel like this?

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm glad you were able to talk to her about how you're feeling. Hopefully it will help her not blame herself if you ctb. I'm sorry you're suffering so much you're such a sweet person.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm glad you were able to talk to your mom and felt heard. I'm sorry you're going through so much. Take your time and don't rush into anything. I ditto Rosey you're such a sweet person. hugs GHOST

 

[Peachycherry]

It's incredible how much your words resonated with me, even though we don't know eachother. "I guess this is how it feels to have finally reached the bus stop". I can't imagine a single moment in the future that would stop me from ctb, even though i know great things could happen. You just feel when the time has come. It's okay; the way I see it, we're the only masters of our lives, we should decide when we've experienced enough. I'm really glad you were able to voice your feelings, I'm sure it took a great deal of courage but it'll make your passing easier for your mom; it'll give her a piece of an answer people going through grief are always looking for. Wish you the best in your journey.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I don't enjoy life or people and tried explaining, it brakes my heart that she can't understand that there no point in me living anymore, mums what you gonna do meh.

 

[ghostspace]

Hey,

I'm very pleased that you had an open discussion with your family.

I have not seen all of your posts, so may I ask what is making you feel like this?

hi! do you mean what's making me want to CTB if I like being alive and people and stuff?

I'm isolated because relationships of any kind are extremely painful for me (due to quiet-BPD) and take so much effort and energy that the other person would never know about. I have PTSD and a severe eating disorder which feels like everything getting tighter around me and crushing me more when I try to breathe.

Due to mental illness, I'm not able to work or go to school or have a normal social life, all which I want to do so badly that it makes me cry. I've been through the system so many times and there's just nothing anyone can do for me.

I want to live, I just don't want to live like this and unfortunately a lot of what I deal with can't be medicated or effectively treated.

I've tried everything and despite the fact that good things will happen in the future, they aren't worth the invisible, misunderstood pain and loneliness of my everyday life.

The worst part, I think, is that I can be extroverted and really love being around people, but my BPD makes it painful for me so I don't have any friends IRL.

 

[Stick]

Maybe having this conversation is what your mind really wanted in order to come to terms with your decision. I'm really happy for you Ghost, and I hope you can enjoy being calm.