Venting keeps getting pushed back

[february in alaska]

Just found out about another important thing that I don't want to ruin for my family. My final date was supposed to be April 2nd (already pushed back from February) and now it will probably be April 19th-ish unless I go through with it anyway.

Part of me worries that I'm just going to keep pushing the date back because things are just going to keep coming up. There will never be a "good" time to do it, I will always be hurting them anyway. But it's so painful to try and wrap up my entire life while I watch everyone around me continue planning for the future as if I'll be part of it

I guess I'll have to keep up appearances as if I'm not failing all my university courses and figure out taxes before I go. Ultimately I'll have to be done with everything before May anyway, there's no getting around that. Maybe I'll be able to figure out a better situation for my cat and location to CTB before I go within that time, or maybe find benzos. I don't know. I already feel like I'm living on borrowed time. It's been over for a long time now

 

[zengiraffe]

I've been pushing my date back for 1.5 years now. The main thing I've learned about myself is that if I'm not 100% ready to do it on the day and in the moment then I can't overcome my SI. 99% ready is not enough. Picking some random date in the future and praying that I'll magically be 100% ready to CTB on that exact date is a lot harder than I expected. I do hope it works out for you though.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I heard a suggestion elsewhere on the forum that it might be better to have everything prepared and then pick a "range" of dates instead of a single date, because that tends to not work out due to what @zengiraffe was saying. So instead of saying "I'm going to CTB on April 19", maybe it's better to say "I'm going to CTB in April," and then that way you can kind of take advantage of the moment when it comes (assuming it comes).

I relate to what you said though, I was supposed to be gone on March 9th and here I am on March 24th....I gave myself the month though, so I've maintained all my preparations. Thinking of doing it tonight honestly...

But it's so painful to try and wrap up my entire life while I watch everyone around me continue planning for the future as if I'll be part of it

I get this. It hurts when my boss talks about future projects that he wants me to work on or refers to "a year from now" and I just cringe internally because I know I'm not going to be there. (Fingers crossed).

Beautiful username and profile picture by the way :)

 

[JensenX]

overcome my SI.

What is SI?

 

[zengiraffe]

What is SI?

Abbreviation for Survival Instinct.

 

[february in alaska]

I heard a suggestion elsewhere on the forum that it might be better to have everything prepared and then pick a "range" of dates instead of a single date, because that tends to not work out due to what @zengiraffe was saying. So instead of saying "I'm going to CTB on April 19", maybe it's better to say "I'm going to CTB in April," and then that way you can kind of take advantage of the moment when it comes (assuming it comes).

I relate to what you said though, I was supposed to be gone on March 9th and here I am on March 24th....I gave myself the month though, so I've maintained all my preparations. Thinking of doing it tonight honestly...


I get this. It hurts when my boss talks about future projects that he wants me to work on or refers to "a year from now" and I just cringe internally because I know I'm not going to be there. (Fingers crossed).

Beautiful username and profile picture by the way :)

Thanks for all this, it really hit home for me and it means a lot

And best of luck to you if you're planning to go tonight/this month… as morbid as it is, it's nice to know I'm not the only one on the journey over. Save me a seat :')