How to get the courage

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

I have my basic set up and basic ideas for locations in mind ( partial ) after my last attempt I was hospitalized and not treated the best. I'm terrified that if I back out, and have any sort of lasting damage, that I'll be sent back. I really want to make my next attempt unknown and the last.

I just have no courage anymore. The last attempt has spooked me. I still am quite determined to CTB, but I just can't stop chickening out.

I cry to myself until I'm tired most nights. With the only thought of reassurance being " ill do it tomorrow "

I keep testing my set up and getting quite close. It's not even just SI kicking in. It's just me being weak.

But I can't keep doing this loop. I can't.

Please. Please. Help me. Any tips? Im thinking if when I get a bottle of vodka, getting drunk, taking some pregabalin, or my lorazepam if I refill my script before I do go. I seen a really sad video, but it made me realize that partial as method especially with alcohol and pills as a precursor, can be quite quick.

How do I just. Do it?

 

[attheend13]

I have my basic set up and basic ideas for locations in mind ( partial ) after my last attempt I was hospitalized and not treated the best. I'm terrified that if I back out, and have any sort of lasting damage, that I'll be sent back. I really want to make my next attempt unknown and the last.

I just have no courage anymore. The last attempt has spooked me. I still am quite determined to CTB, but I just can't stop chickening out.

I cry to myself until I'm tired most nights. With the only thought of reassurance being " ill do it tomorrow "

I keep testing my set up and getting quite close. It's not even just SI kicking in. It's just me being weak.

But I can't keep doing this loop. I can't.

Please. Please. Help me. Any tips? Im thinking if when I get a bottle of vodka, getting drunk, taking some pregabalin, or my lorazepam if I refill my script before I do go. I seen a really sad video, but it made me realize that partial as method especially with alcohol and pills as a precursor, can be quite quick.

How do I just. Do it?

I wish I could answer that for us both. I'm watching myself shrink away to invisible every day. I cry until I can't see. I scream when I'm alone until I'm hoarse. There is no particular way to get the courage. It takes way more courage to survive each moment with deep shame and no hope. But alcohol and pills is a dangerous method. It lands you in the er but it doesn't bring relief. Sometimes it feels like a relief just to do something but honestly I know I can't ctb I'm a mom but I long for it, dream of it plan it, just to find a relief of the off ramp in the thought loop. I recently tried trying again. Stood up for myself said a bunch of dumbass things about having value but I know I'm nothing. Until you're sure I think what you really need is some relief. In the hospital they had me using rubber bands to snap on my wrists and other BS. After serious SI, it's a joke. But sometimes plunging my face into extreme ice water hurts but isn't dangerous. There are small things you can do to stop the pot from boiling over. It isn't an off ramp but it can shock you into dialing it back to simmer. I wish I had a solution but tbh I'm a full on moron. But in a really bad moment anything that bridges that moment Is worth considering. Sometimes the pain is so big it crushes you under it. Even a momentary relief can be better than letting it boil over. That's when pills and booze seem reasonable but when you wake up and you likely will after vomiting it up, all you have is more problems and more eyes on you. I'm a shadow now in life but a failed attempt would take whatever freedom I still have away. Just consider it before you do something that I've done many times with no good outcomes.