justasmalltowngirl6
"Long-Term Plans"
- Jul 10, 2026
- 14
i got what i wanted. i moved in with my gf and her family and i thought it would fix everything and make me happy but it still feels like nothing has changed at all. her parents are investing so much into me and have such high expectations for me but i know i'm going to fuck it all up like i always do. i want to get help. i want to get better. but having no insurance makes it so hard to even think about seeing a doctor for a consultation.
they want me to go back to uni but i failed my first semester super hard and there's no way i won't do it again. i feel so pathetic. i can't do anything that people want of me. i can't even pretend to be happy for her. i can't stand the look of my reflection. i want to start cutting again to punish myself for being such an ugly failure.
a few months ago i decided spur of the moment to get on a train and go somewhere that i haven't been before. it felt so freeing i can't describe it. i told no one where i was going, or even that i was going in the first place. i've been chasing that feeling again ever since. that feeling of control over my actions, over my life. it was the first time in years that it felt like i wasn't doing what someone else wanted me to do. a few days ago i did the same thing but this time felt nothing at all. maybe it was because i went to the same place as last time. maybe it was because i told them beforehand where i was going and what i was doing. i don't know why it didn't feel the same.
i don't know what i'm going to do to fill the time until i find the courage to actually ctb. i can't just do nothing because her parents are expecting me to follow up on my promise of trying to reapply for uni or get a job but i can't do either. i can't give an answer to "what are you long-term plans?" when i don't plan on being around past december. i guess i just have to keep the act up until it's time to leave.
they want me to go back to uni but i failed my first semester super hard and there's no way i won't do it again. i feel so pathetic. i can't do anything that people want of me. i can't even pretend to be happy for her. i can't stand the look of my reflection. i want to start cutting again to punish myself for being such an ugly failure.
a few months ago i decided spur of the moment to get on a train and go somewhere that i haven't been before. it felt so freeing i can't describe it. i told no one where i was going, or even that i was going in the first place. i've been chasing that feeling again ever since. that feeling of control over my actions, over my life. it was the first time in years that it felt like i wasn't doing what someone else wanted me to do. a few days ago i did the same thing but this time felt nothing at all. maybe it was because i went to the same place as last time. maybe it was because i told them beforehand where i was going and what i was doing. i don't know why it didn't feel the same.
i don't know what i'm going to do to fill the time until i find the courage to actually ctb. i can't just do nothing because her parents are expecting me to follow up on my promise of trying to reapply for uni or get a job but i can't do either. i can't give an answer to "what are you long-term plans?" when i don't plan on being around past december. i guess i just have to keep the act up until it's time to leave.
