ghostspace
ghost space, ghosts pace
- Feb 10, 2020
- 410
We both cried a lot.
I explained that I don't want to die, that I love life and being alive and humans in general, but that while I think life is worth living, the pain I'm in isn't worth enduring.
She brought up the usual 'there could be such good things in your future' which makes me sad but also it's nice how she never gives up hoping. I told her that there probably are good things in my future but that I can't get there because of what I'm suffering from. It would be like telling a starving, dehydrated person that there's an oasis ten miles away if they could just find a way to make it there, they'd have relief for a while.
She obviously doesn't agree with me wanting to die (it would be horrible if she did) but we had a good conversation and I felt heard.
Something has completely changed inside me. I feel like I'm dying. Everything feels different, like I'm close.
I know those feelings are just feelings and it's possible I'll end up in treatment my whole life instead of CTB, but the sense that it's almost over is very, very present. Just a little while longer.
I've never been on this level of suicidal ideation; it's calmness that's periodically interrupted by panic and grief and I feel more like a ghost than I ever have before. I think I'm going to go mid November, I know my family will be devastated but at least they'll know I'm not in pain anymore.
I'm sorry I haven't been responding to your messages, I feel completely drained. I guess this is what it feels like to finally have reached the bus stop. I'm homesick but I don't know if it's homesickness for where I am now or for where the bus will take me.
I'll let you guys know when it's time, obviously. I love you all so much.
I explained that I don't want to die, that I love life and being alive and humans in general, but that while I think life is worth living, the pain I'm in isn't worth enduring.
She brought up the usual 'there could be such good things in your future' which makes me sad but also it's nice how she never gives up hoping. I told her that there probably are good things in my future but that I can't get there because of what I'm suffering from. It would be like telling a starving, dehydrated person that there's an oasis ten miles away if they could just find a way to make it there, they'd have relief for a while.
She obviously doesn't agree with me wanting to die (it would be horrible if she did) but we had a good conversation and I felt heard.
Something has completely changed inside me. I feel like I'm dying. Everything feels different, like I'm close.
I know those feelings are just feelings and it's possible I'll end up in treatment my whole life instead of CTB, but the sense that it's almost over is very, very present. Just a little while longer.
I've never been on this level of suicidal ideation; it's calmness that's periodically interrupted by panic and grief and I feel more like a ghost than I ever have before. I think I'm going to go mid November, I know my family will be devastated but at least they'll know I'm not in pain anymore.
I'm sorry I haven't been responding to your messages, I feel completely drained. I guess this is what it feels like to finally have reached the bus stop. I'm homesick but I don't know if it's homesickness for where I am now or for where the bus will take me.
I'll let you guys know when it's time, obviously. I love you all so much.