Am I too far gone?

[nightlygem]

I spoke to my therapist today about my attempt at suicide. It was a very impulsive decision, so it did not succeed. I put my hands around my neck and pressed around until I found the correct artery. Obviously, it didn't work, and I found myself just choking for a few seconds before letting go of my neck.

My therapist asked me if we needed to set up a safety plan, but I explained to her that I already have one and that I was fine. She's nice, so she just let it slide.

However, something she's observed every time I tell her about my suicide attempts, is that I'm very curious about death. She asked how I feel when I think about suicide.
To this, I answered:
"it's kind of scary, yet comforting. Like a nightmare. Half of my body wants to conform to my fate, while the other side is desperately wanting to stop."

She then asked me what I feel when I attempt suicide. To this, I responded:
"I feel… nothing. Empty. I simply see it as the only way out."

She explained to me that the trauma I endured from seeing my hanging father enhanced my desire to ctb. She said that most people will try to avoid the trauma at all costs, while you (me) explore it. She explained that we're going to work on stopping the glorification.

This had me thinking… if suicide is a comforting thing to me, why take it away? Sure, the goal is to live. Yet, I can't help but want to see what it's like. I want to experience the pain my father went through… the choking feeling, the tightness of the rope.. I want to know. It's truly a deadly curiosity.

Also, update on lemictal: I fucking hate it. Auditory hallucinations have stopped, but I have visual hallucinations instead. My heart rate is always high, I'm shaking all the time, I'm sweating, and my body temperature is constantly high. No deadly rash so I'm not allergic to it, but it's definitely not the right med. If anyone with bipolar disorder has experience with meds, please feel free to talk about it here. I want to know my options moving forward.

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

Sometimes having the option of suicide can motivate people to live. If they have a guaranteed exit, they feel more liberated. I totally get how that's comforting to you.

As for the curiosity about the hanging, maybe you could try smaller experiences of that kind of pain before attempting to find your father's level of pain. Maybe wearing a choker that's too tight, or some auto-asphyxiation that only lasts a short time. Doing it without the intent to die a few times might bring some more clarity about what you want to do in the future and how you'll feel if you ever decide to CTB by hanging.

Either way, I'm sorry you're having so many issues with your meds and with your trauma. I hope you're able to find the right shit for you. Wish I had more advice about it.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

This has been a big inspiration for me in navigating my relationship with suicide.

"What saved me was the idea of suicide. If it wasn't for the idea of suicide, I would have killed myself. What allowed me to keep on living, was knowing I had this option in sight..." Emil Cioran

I think it's unfortunate how suicide is dealt with in formal therapeutic spaces.

Good luck in navigating that.

 

[sserafim]

This has been a big inspiration for me in navigating my relationship with suicide.

"What saved me was the idea of suicide. If it wasn't for the idea of suicide, I would have killed myself. What allowed me to keep on living, was knowing I had this option in sight..." Emil Cioran

I think it's unfortunate how suicide is dealt with in formal therapeutic spaces.

Good luck in navigating that.

What does this quote mean?

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

What does this quote mean?

Very good question. I don't think there's one way to read it.

From my understanding of Cioran, I feel he's making reference to the fact that just by having the option of suicide one could be given more strength to face life. I feel that Cioran sees the option of suicide as a pressure valve of sorts. By releasing that pressure conceptually he's able to continue living. Without it he says he would kill himself - meaning choice would be removed and he would be unable to face life. There's a kind of poetics and irony in the statement.

In the same clip I shared, Cioran goes on to explain that for him it's an issue of freedom.

I hope that's helpful. I started to write more, but don't want to over do it. I'm happy to elaborate, if needed.

 

[sserafim]

Very good question. I don't think there's one way to read it.

From my understanding of Cioran, I feel he's making reference to the fact that just by having the option of suicide one could be given more strength to face life. I feel that Cioran sees the option of suicide as a pressure valve of sorts. By releasing that pressure conceptually he's able to continue living. Without it he says he would kill himself - meaning choice would be removed and he would be unable to face life. There's a kind of poetics and irony in the statement.

In the same clip I shared, Cioran goes on to explain that for him it's an issue of freedom.

I hope that's helpful. I started to write more, but don't want to over do it. I'm happy to elaborate, if needed.

Thanks for the explanation. It was helpful. Lol you can elaborate if you want, I'd be happy to hear more about it

 

[theboy]

You need other medications to stop your discomfort. on the other hand, it's funny that you want to feel the same as your father. I hope your therapist can help you to overcome your trauma.