Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

This impending doom isn't as calming. This is more of a panicked doom.
I really feel like I'm dying but I can never trust that feeling.
I'm starting to dip into the low 30s. Min. 32.
My vision is swimming. I took more but not all of them.
My hands and feet are ice cold and clammy.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

yo, how tf this mfer still alive????

Don't call her a motherfucker.

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

Don't call her a motherfucker.

pronouns: mf/er

Okay is fatherfucker acceptable then? Sisterfucker? How about bitchfucker? Shit idk man, help me out here!

 

[willitpass]

My radial pulse is extremely thready. I haven't taken my blood pressure again but I'd imagine it's in the toilet.

 

[iamanavalanche]

i hope you can achieve peace soon however that comes to you. reading all of this is so heartbreaking and sounds so painful. we are here for you

 

[willitpass]

Maybe I should put on a movie. That'd be a nice way to die. I've always been a fan on Disney movies. And if I survive who doesn't like a good disney movie. I could watch Inside Out for the irony. Or maybe Finding Nemo would be a nice one to leave to. The music in Tangled is nice. I loved Cars when I was younger.
Took even more.

 

[CatLvr]

I am praying that you feel no more pain. I understand that you are s hard-core self-harmer, but this is breaking my heart for you. No one should have to suffer like this.

 

[willitpass]

I've had this gut feeling for years that my successful suicide will be impulsive, and that's what this is, so maybe this will work and its fate. Maybe not. And if not who the fuck cares anymore.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

pronouns: mf/er

Okay is fatherfucker acceptable then? Sisterfucker? How about bitchfucker? Shit idk man, help me out here!

How about 'person'?

A bit of respect cost you nothing.

 

[CatLvr]

I've had this gut feeling for years that my successful suicide will be impulsive, and that's what this is, so maybe this will work and its fate. Maybe not. And if not who the fuck cares anymore.

I do. And so do a lot of other people here. You may not love yourself (and I understand -- I loathe myself) but I feel safe in saying a lot of people here are very fond of you and if we could take your pain away we would. I only want peace and contentment for you.

 

[willitpass]

Since I wasn't planning for this tonight I don't have any pads or diapers to contain the post mortem mess. Hopefully it isn't too bad if this really is the end. At least the laxatives have me just about cleared out. Not like my mattress would be an estate sale best seller anyway.

 

[willitpass]

Nearly done with both bottles now.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Oh, lighten up ffs

Forget blowing my brains out with a 12 gauge, I think I'm about to overdose on corniness...

OP is struggling. You calling them motherfucker isn't helping. And no, its not cool either

Maybe read the rules again?

Be respectful of others, and their opinions.
Disrespect will not be tolerated on this forum. Try to have constructive conversations without resorting to name-calling or insults.

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

OP is struggling. You calling them motherfucker isn't helping. And no, its not cool either

Maybe read the rules again?

Be respectful of others, and their opinions.
Disrespect will not be tolerated on this forum. Try to have constructive conversations without resorting to name-calling or insults.

You do know "motherfucker" isn't used in a literal sense, right? If anything, it's more playful and endearing.

Please promptly remove whatever stick is wedged up your posterior.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

You do know "motherfucker" isn't used in a literal sense, right? If anything, it's more playful and endearing.

Please promptly remove whatever stick is wedged up your posterior.

Seeing the reports that came in people didn't find it ' endearing '

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

Seeing the reports that came in people didn't find it ' endearing '

Okay, maybe it's a regional or generational thing, but most people i communicate with understand that "motherfucker" isn't innately disrespectful. Context matters. Look at the tone of my original comment: it's obviously playfully sardonic and tongue-in-cheek lol

 

[Beyond_Repair]

Short of euthanasia I don't think I could go through with any other method. I've already survived SN and don't think I could do it again.

I feel for what you're going through, but my understanding is that it's what you want. Just know you're not alone.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you think the attempt with SN failed for you?

 

[potablewater784]

Reading the thread, I see that you've been through a lot :( I totally understand how overcoming SI would be hard with the more traditional, rapid methods. Even I face that, but I understand that your history makes this many times worse. Either way, I hope that you soon find peace. You may not feel that you deserve it, but fwiw I feel that you deserve it :)

 

[willitpass]

Fell asleep and just woke up. Pulse still 30s-40s. Symptoms calmer but still present. Quite tired so back to sleep I'll go.

 

[Ash]

Was offline for most off yesterday and while I know you don't want to be here, I hope I haven't missed you. Wishing you peace and tranquility x

 

[willitpass]

Unfortunately woke up this morning. My lips are purple but my pulse ox says 90s. I drank some juice to try and get my sugar and blood pressure up to be able to make it to where I need to go today but I'm nauseous and can feel the cold in my ears? I feel horrible about it and will likely get in some serious trouble but I think I may need to last minute cancel. I'm likely out of the danger zone for death if I had to guess, but I think it's still somewhat possible. Other than that I think I just need to wait it out.
Heart rate down into the 20s.
I keep alternating between feeling like there's ice water running through my veins and hot water running through my veins.

 

[willitpass]

I'm incredibly nauseous and definitely gonna end up throwing up.
Chest pain radiating to my shoulders.

 

[gayayi4811]

I can't imagine what led you to do such self-harm. Very sad world that allows this to happen. I hope you get better, either in this life or in whatever is after it.

 

[Tesha]

I hope your lifetime of pain is soon over. Know you're not alone right now - there are many people reading your thread and being here for you.

 

[willitpass]

The pain went away. My heart rate is up to the 40s and only periodically dipping into the 30s. At this point I think I'm out of the woods. Unfortunately I took all that I have. I requested refills. I think if I do it again but take them all at once rather than staggering I could really do something. And if it doesn't kill me then I know what it's like to wait it on out now. In the meantime I plan on continuing to overdose on pain killers and laxatives as well as dehydrating and restricting to continue to wear my body down and make it weaker and weaker. I have a full bottle of baclofen that I was considering downing but the statistics on it being fatal seem too questionable. I'm sure if you don't get medical attention your odds are a lot worse, but with medical attention the odds of you waking up from a coma a few days later and getting shipped off to a psych ward are too great to want to risk.

Yesterday during the dressing change the wound looked very purple with a lot of yellow drainage. I think the diversion of blood flow due to my low heart rate and blood pressure really does a number on it. Hopefully after everything that just happened and a minimum heart rate of 27 blood flow was adequately diverted and things really settled again.
I decided if I wasn't able to make it to where I needed to be and I'm not going to die that I at least need to be productive. It's almost time for a new semester to start at college and I haven't even looked at any of the syllabi yet because I was really hoping to not be here for it. I've been sitting in a chair for about 10 minutes and I feel so faint. My heart rate is back in the 30s. It's so hard to tell if I'm out of the woods or not because things keep going up and down.
Heart rate is hanging in the low 30s again.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so tempted to just down the bacolfen. Maybe I just take it and then put the rope around my neck so when I pass out I'll fall into the it and die from partial in case the baclofen isn't enough. I really feel like I can't do this anymore. A decade and a half isn't fucking enough? Why can't I fucking die? I need to die.
There's no good ligature points in my apartment. The doors are too cheap, I don't trust the handles to not break off. I would need to go to a hotel. That's not really in the budget right now. If I go through with it then that's fine I won't need the money if I'm dead, but that would really be a horrible blow in the already fucked economy if I chicken out or survive.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Going through this thread, I have no doubt that you really want this. I'm sorry for what led you to do this, but I hope you finally find the peace you deserve.

 

[willitpass]

Maybe I can get creative and find a way to rig something up in my car. It's not a very big car but there have been a lot of creative hangings throughout history I'm sure there's a way.
I absolutely despise gore and find it incredibly insensitive, but reading medical journals and autopsy reports was not clear. The pictures showered several possible ways to go about it. I think I could do it, especially in conjunction with passing out from a baclofen overdose.
I'm so desperate right now.
Medical journals are incredibly vague about the timing of baclofen overdose symptom onset, but the common consensus is "rapid". Not many have an exact time for their definition of rapid, but assuming it's under an hour. I could rig up the noose, double check the strength, then take the baclofen and await symptom onset. If it goes right it should quickly induce delirium before heading into unconsciousness and seizures. Delirium terrifies me, but at least with the partial if it becomes too much I could just lean into the rope. Once unconscious and seizing I would no longer have to worry about potentially fighting the rope while passed out as my CNS would be essentially shut down.

 

[willitpass]

I'm waiting a little bit until after a phone call I'm meant to have with a friend. After that I'll head to my car. I'd hate to do it in my garage as that'll increase the odds of someone I care about finding me. But I'm so desperate. I don't think I can wait any longer to avoid someone I care about having to see that. I know it's selfish but I'm so desperate.
I'm doing all that I can to make sure I stay in the headspace to actually go through with this. Every time I end up in a situation like this I back out last minute. I hope I don't do that today. I hope I go through with it today. I can't continue living.
I hope my cat will make it through. To be honest I don't know how she'll fare. She is very much attached to me and sees me as her person.

 

[willitpass]

Rigged up the noose. Now I'm just going to ponder things for a bit. Might switch from baclofen to benadryl, or do a combo. Not sure yet. No rush.
Took 100mg of benadryl, now I'm reading old journals and writing in my current one. I'm already tired to begin with so 100 might be enough for me to be ready to sleep. Just will have to position myself right. With how cramped it is here in the backseat of a not very big car I'm hoping there won't be much room for my body to fight and thrash.