I just read thru this post and man, I relate so much to how you feel. I don't use laxatives, I just starve myself and self-harm. But I see so many similarities. I've been thinking of suicide since an early age too. Lately been going psychotic and not sleeping just fantasizing about death too. For literally months now microsleeping. Finally settled on a method, acquired it and now I'm at peace for a little bit.