I actually slept for 4-5 uninterrupted hours for once. I think I did at least. Maybe I woke up briefly for a few times. I'd been overeating this last week, as my body is desperate for fuel and my mind is doing anything to seek respite from this hell. But after a proper clean out yesterday and not a lot of food I've got myself back down into a more comfortable weight. Not my lowest, 4lbs shy, but still a number that makes me not want to instantly jump off a bridge. I'm no longer cleaned out since I ate yesterday so I'm doing a suppository to try and get some more out of there before I weigh myself again to hopefully drop at least another half a pound. It'd be nice to get back to my lowest weight before I die. I'm not sure if it's possible or not, though, as I'm not sure how much of these 4lbs is water and stool weight and how much is true fat. It's probably the body dysmorphia, but I feel like I've been looking more fat lately despite my true weight. It honestly may be true because I know I've been retaining ridiculous amounts of water, you don't just gain 10lbs in a week without a fuck ton of water weight. I hope I die looking skinny.
Thinking a lot this morning about all the people I've hurt since being sick. When I was 11/12 I had a friend who I told what I was going to do (hang myself in my garage, I ultimately chickened out until I was 13) and we talked about it for weeks. I made him promise not to tell anyone. He didn't. I even texted him leading up until I was about to do it. No 12 year old should have to carry someone's baggage like that. I lost my best friend in middle school because I was using her as a therapist and one day she called the cops to my house when I was saying suicidal shit and then told me she couldn't handle it anymore and we stopped talking after that. That's not fair for a 13 year old to have to carry. I had a friend in high school drive to my house and cry in my driveway begging me to not kill myself because I had been implying I would be going soon. A few days later she and another had to frantically text my brother to get my dad because I was saying I was sorry and goodbye to people. The other friend and I fell out a few months later because I had been using her as a therapist and she couldn't do it anymore. No 16 year old deserves that kind of baggage either. I push people away when I start to get too depressed now. It's isolating but I know it's better for everyone. It's draining to be friends with someone so depressed if they can't mask it. I've gotten a lot better at masking as I've gotten older, but it's draining to me to mask, so pushing people away is easier. I haven't lost a friend due to them saying I overshare and it's draining in years at least. I've spared people that much. This doesn't even get into the pain I've caused my family. I've hurt so many people.
