Venting I cant stop thinking about death

[BloodStainedAntlers]

I'm sorry, this turned out longer than I intended it to.

I've tried everything to keep myself distracted and busy but genuinely nothing helps anymore. I don't actively want to CTB rn (i dont really care if i died today, its more about not wanting to hurt/upset the handful of people that care about me for some reason), but i just cant getit out of my head. I have a post-mortem letter written (basically my will and a few other wishes/instructions), i have researched on a fuckton of methods to CTB and know which ones I'd use. I wake up in the morning thinking about death, i get myself busy and still think about death, i go outside and i try so hard to get it off my mind for just one bit but i just cant. hell i cant even fucking sleep without graphic dreams of taking my own life.
And it makes me all the more upset because right now my life is not too bad. If it wasnt for my stupid incompetent brain, i could genuinely be pretty happy. But no. My life is far from perfect, ive been through a lot of shit for most of my life and i cant escape the shadows of the past, ive been sexually assaulted & raped miltiple times from childhood until my mid teen years, i was bullied for most of my life, was in a 3 year long emotionally and physically abusive relationship, am a recovering addict (2021 was a rough fucking year), lost family members to addiction, lost some of my closest friends to suicide (i don't resent them, i just miss them dearly, but i know theyre at peace wherever they are now). Im mentally ill and have HSD which causes my body to constantly fuck itself up and which leads to me have chronic pain (and have had so for 5 years now). My mother had a rough childhood and turned into a narcissist, which i cant really blame her for, but she fucked me up in so many ways that i just cant seem to fix anymore. I've had 3 proper attempts in the past and countless half-assed ones, have struggled with selfharm for a decade now, have been in and out of therapy with little success. And on top of that I'm a neurodivergent & queer guy living in a world that hates queer people and doesnt give a fuck about neurodivergent people.

So yeah, my life wasn't/isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but right now its better than its ever been. I have a few friends that are genuinely amazing people and that care about me, my homelife has gotten significantly better in the past few years (yeah I still live at home, im a student and cant afford to move out atm even working a part time job), I don't get bullied anymore, and I'm in a relationship with a woman that is genuinely a blessing disguised as a human, shes the light of my life. Im still in pain and i still cant seem to fully move on/heal from my past, but things are so much better than they used to be.

But yet, I cannot stop thinking about death. About my own death, by my own hands. I've always known that suicide will be my cause of death, whether it wouldve been at age 16, 18 or at age 85, i just know i will CTB someday. And I've come to terms with that, i dont mind it at all. But it upsets me to know that even when i technically have a chance to feel better/do better in life, my brain just wont fucking let me.

TLDR; Life could be good rn but i still cant stop thinking about CTB every minute of every day. And I'm fucking tired of everything.

Thank you for reading this wall of a text, and I'm sorry.

 

[homunculi]

thank you for sharing all of this. you don't have to apologize. it's good that you can take the time to realize that your life is better than it has been, it takes a lot to do that. and i know how you feel. im more passively suicidal and i have this veryyy strong conviction that that will be how i go eventually. i like feeling like i have autonomy.

perhaps now that your life is better than it has been previously your brain is lashing out and trying to find something familiar to cling to. our brains get stuck in ruts while our lives around us ebb and flow. there's a mismatch. over time and with training i think the gears can switch and the brain can stop defaulting to showing you a Top Ten Ways to Finally Do It slideshow during your daily activities, but it's not easy and it's not possible for everyone. its especially hard if you've struggled with this kind of thought pattern in the past. these intrusive thoughts are exhausting and upsetting.

suicidality can be a chronic issue with ebbs and flows as well. maybe you just gotta ride this wave. it sounds like youve got people to ride it out with, too. and of course we've got this forum to vent on.

as im writing this i have this fear that im coming across a certain way but really i just want to offer support and some things to think about, i hope it helps. your post just really resonated with me and i wanted to reach out, even though im anxious haha.

im with ya man, this shit sucks and im super sorry you're experiencing this. i hope you can find some way or something that eases your mind and allows you to get some restful sleep!! that shit is important!

 

[BloodStainedAntlers]

as im writing this i have this fear that im coming across a certain way but really i just want to offer support and some things to think about, i hope it helps. your post just really resonated with me and i wanted to reach out, even though im anxious haha.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all that and replying despite being anxious about it, i really appreciate it

i like feeling like i have autonomy.

this is a huge thing for me aswell, i think the only reason i havent actually CTB yet despite years of suicidal ideation is because of the fact that i know i always have the option if things truly get unsalvageably bad. Emil Cioran said something about that too in an inteview, and a lot of non-suicidal or non-mentally ill people dont understand that sentiment, but the feeling of having a choice in continuing to live can make a big difference for some people. The worst days in my life were the ones where i feel genuinely trapped here, like i had no choice aandwould have to suffer for the rest of my life until i die of old age or an accident.
Thats why the thought of suicide is something that I usually find very comforting. But lately it has just fully spiralled out of control. And I do already struggle with intrusive thoughts anyway, and it feels like my brain is now just hyperfixated on death and the "how to's" of it.

its especially hard if you've struggled with this kind of thought pattern in the past.

I feel like this could definetly be part of why, and also what you described about my brain lashing out and finding something familiar to cling on to. I spent the greater past of the last 10 years genuinely believing i wouldn't make it to the next birthday each year, and somehow i still ended up making it way past my internal expiration date, so i feel like these thoughts are just so deeply ingrained in my brain that whenever anything feels ever so slightly off (or even when everythings great for some reason), it just falls back to that thought pattern.

I'm really glad to hear that someone understands tho, i was afraid nobody would get it on here either :')

thanks so much again homunculi, you made me feel a bit less alone in this