Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

Not much new. Still smells awful. Some days it looks nasty other days it looks just fine. I've been changing up when I put in it so much body doesn't develop and immunity. I haven't cleaned the blade since I started this and there is visible bacteria growing on it.

I've been overdosing on a different pain med than a few months ago while also dehydrating and have given myself some sort of esophageal/gastric irritation from it that's pretty bad. It is extremely painful to eat anything, the pain radiates from my chest to my back and arms. Not helped by the fact that I'm seeking out acidic foods to try and worsen whatever irritation/ulcer/mild bleed I have going. I think I may have a mild GI bleed and have been working to actively worsen it so that maybe I can cause a bad enough bleed to do some damage. If I bleed enough internally it'll lower my body's ability to fight off an infection so it would be a double whammy.

Not sure when or if it will kill me, but my self harm addiction and self loathing personality is happy to keep going indefinitely, so I'm in it for the long haul.

 

[willitpass]

Today's dressing change smells the worst I've ever smelled. I could smell it when I took off the first bandage, before I even got down the second bandage off. The smell is so horrific my cat came from another room to see what in the hell was going on. It's a pretty nasty red.

 

[willitpass]

It's starting to hurt more. I've taken probably 10x the maximum dose of pain killers today. I'm so dehydrated that my piss is dark and cloudy. And so dehydrated I can't shit, but when I do it's looking like I may well have an upper GI bleed. It's not a glamorous way to live.

 

[willitpass]

It looks pretty bad today. Looks like a good bit of puss. Continuing to down pain meds like candy.

 

[willitpass]

It looks really bad. The redness has expanded about 3/4 of an inch away from the original wound with a white ring immediately along the edge, looks like maceration. It's been hurting a lot worse today so it doesn't surprise me to see if looking worse.
Tonight's reopening and reapplication of an infecting agent is extremely painful. It has never felt good but it has never hurt like this before. I'm not sure if it's a contact dermatitis or what but jesus.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

It looks really bad. The redness has expanded about 3/4 of an inch away from the original wound with a white ring immediately along the edge, looks like maceration. It's been hurting a lot worse today so it doesn't surprise me to see if looking worse.
Tonight's reopening and reapplication of an infecting agent is extremely painful. It has never felt good but it has never hurt like this before. I'm not sure if it's a contact dermatitis or what but jesus.

Wow, it sounds like a lot of damage has been done! The GI stuff sounds hellish. How are you functioning?! The dehydration and (assumed) malnutrition/undereating too…

 

[willitpass]

Wow, it sounds like a lot of damage has been done! The GI stuff sounds hellish. How are you functioning?! The dehydration and (assumed) malnutrition/undereating too…

I'm really not functioning. I hardly have any energy to do anything, I have intermittent nausea, believe it or not overdosing on pain killers causes body aches, I feel awful. I've spent my last several days laying around hardly doing anything. I've been here before though. I'm used to it since I have plenty of experience with severe self harm. I've learned how to function when I can't function but need to. If I absolutely had to go to work right now I would be able to. The body adapts I suppose. The pain from the cut is a mild bother more than anything. Thus far it hasn't interfered with anything. I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm really not functioning. I hardly have any energy to do anything, I have intermittent nausea, believe it or not overdosing on pain killers causes body aches, I feel awful. I've spent my last several days laying around hardly doing anything. I've been here before though. I'm used to it since I have plenty of experience with severe self harm. I've learned how to function when I can't function but need to. If I absolutely had to go to work right now I would be able to. The body adapts I suppose. The pain from the cut is a mild bother more than anything. Thus far it hasn't interfered with anything. I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

I assume you live alone and aren't currently working? I wouldn't be able to do this bc I live with my spouse. A little resentment there.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Checking in here too, thanks to those that bumped the thread. OP, can you give us an update?? <33 we care.

Edit: apologies, your message from last night didn't load right away! I wanted to check in on you re the wound you had / infection.

 

[willitpass]

I live alone but I do have a job. It's a physically demanding job but a very flexible schedule so I often get multiple days off in a row, which is what is happening right now. I've been very fatigued with body aches the last few days. The nausea and headaches and heartburn are progressing from the pain killers. The cut is hurting like a bitch right now so I'm curious to see what it will look like come bandage change later.

 

[willitpass]

My legs were blotchy purple and mottled in the shower this evening. I have poor circulation so I am purple and mottled pretty often, however it never happens in a warm shower. The redness around the cut has spread further. It's hard to tell if it's contact dermatitis from everything I've been putting on it or infectious. The pain hasn't increased but it has stayed status quo, I'd rate it around an 4-5 on average. All other observations have remained unchanged. My heart rate has been more elevated today, but no fever. I have been extremely cold and had difficulties warming myself up today, but every time I check my temperature it's been normal. The body aches have been pretty bad.
There was a blue/green tint to the bandage drainage today that I honestly didn't think about because I was too busy assessing my skin. I just looked it up because it just registered to me that that was a bit strange and it is very characteristic of a specific infection. Maybe this is good news. It is a superbug that is likely to progress to sepsis if untreated in vulnerable populations, so maybe this is my ticket. Time will tell.
My heart rate is quite high now. It won't go below 95 despite laying in bed and keeps jumping into the 100-110s. I drank quite a bit of water today despite normally restricting myself, so I don't think it's dehydration. If it's isn't dehydration then this could very well be a first indicator of a systemic infection. Interested to see where it sits in the morning. God I hope this is it.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

My legs were blotchy purple and mottled in the shower this evening. I have poor circulation so I am purple and mottled pretty often, however it never happens in a warm shower. The redness around the cut has spread further. It's hard to tell if it's contact dermatitis from everything I've been putting on it or infectious. The pain hasn't increased but it has stayed status quo, I'd rate it around an 4-5 on average. All other observations have remained unchanged. My heart rate has been more elevated today, but no fever. I have been extremely cold and had difficulties warming myself up today, but every time I check my temperature it's been normal. The body aches have been pretty bad.
There was a blue/green tint to the bandage drainage today that I honestly didn't think about because I was too busy assessing my skin. I just looked it up because it just registered to me that that was a bit strange and it is very characteristic of a specific infection. Maybe this is good news. It is a superbug that is likely to progress to sepsis if untreated in vulnerable populations, so maybe this is my ticket. Time will tell.
My heart rate is quite high now. It won't go below 95 despite laying in bed and keeps jumping into the 100-110s. I drank quite a bit of water today despite normally restricting myself, so I don't think it's dehydration. If it's isn't dehydration then this could very well be a first indicator of a systemic infection. Interested to see where it sits in the morning. God I hope this is it.

If it is indeed an opportunistic pseudomonas infection, and you're dead set on letting the infection kill you, I hope that you don't suffer too much before the inevitable happens. I know it's unlikely that anything anyone says is going to change your mind. This isn't the outcome that anyone would want for you, but regardless of how you decide to proceed, I understand.

I don't work in healthcare (got a blue collar job that pays better than EMS) but I have an EMT license. I've been using the knowledge I have, to be a functioning drug user. So I 100% understand where you're coming from, when you talk about using information about healthcare to harm yourself. I'm not going to tell you what to do because that's not my place. I know we haven't interacted much, and a lot of people here probably aren't a fan of me because I joke around a lot. But I just hope that it helps to know that there are people who actually understand.

 

[willitpass]

I just woke up to my cat curled up in my arms and refusing to leave me. She always sleeps near me, and will occasionally nap on my back, but she never sleeps in my arms while I'm asleep. I move in my sleep so she learned early on that it isn't the best place for her to be. They always say that pets can sense when things are off.

 

[willitpass]

Reopening the cut today for the bandage change was very painful. I was seeing stars and very lightheaded during the whole process. The dressing was as blue as ever once again. The redness appears to have spread a little bit more and parts of it almost have a bit of a purple undertone. Smelled horrific as always. Stings a lot right now.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

I've engaged in severe self-harm for years and years now. Above 4 years ago I got an idea in my head to cut myself and rub something fowl like feces into it to induce an infection and hope it turns septic and kills me. I've put off the idea for years, but today I just want to die. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by surviving my 3 major attempts in the past has me unable to overcome the SI required to actively CTB, so I've resorted to passive suicide methods like daily overdoses of OTC meds, chronic starvation, chronic dehydration, etc. Today the urge became too much. I cut myself on the part of the skin believed to harbor the highest amount of bacteria, rubbed an unspeakably disgusting substance into it, and taped it shut so the bacteria can't escape. Now only time will tell if it turns septic. If I see signs that I am going septic, I will not tell anyone. I will stay home and let myself fall into shock until I die. If it doesn't turn septic, then well I've just engaged in the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life and I'll have to carry on.

Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.

I understand- I am a "recovered" SI/SH (I constantly relapse every few years)

In the moment, all I can think about is hurting myself. I wish wrist slitting had a higher success rate, because I could easily cut my wrists more than I can OD or jump off a building…

I hope it succeeds; I know you must be in a lot of pain right now, and I don't want you to suffer with lifelong damage

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Thanking about you OP. I also recognize the amount of pain you must be in. I hope you can find relief soon. PMs open if you wanna chat<3

 

[tauntisha]

Not much new. Still smells awful. Some days it looks nasty other days it looks just fine. I've been changing up when I put in it so much body doesn't develop and immunity. I haven't cleaned the blade since I started this and there is visible bacteria growing on it.

I've been overdosing on a different pain med than a few months ago while also dehydrating and have given myself some sort of esophageal/gastric irritation from it that's pretty bad. It is extremely painful to eat anything, the pain radiates from my chest to my back and arms. Not helped by the fact that I'm seeking out acidic foods to try and worsen whatever irritation/ulcer/mild bleed I have going. I think I may have a mild GI bleed and have been working to actively worsen it so that maybe I can cause a bad enough bleed to do some damage. If I bleed enough internally it'll lower my body's ability to fight off an infection so it would be a double whammy.

Not sure when or if it will kill me, but my self harm addiction and self loathing personality is happy to keep going indefinitely, so I'm in it for the long haul.

you are so very brave, hoping you find what you seek.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

If you're immunocompromised (which I recall you saying you were), sepsis might not present with a fever at all. I'm not sure if that is the case for you, but do what you will with that information. What's happening right now is obviously not what anyone would want for you, but at the end of the day I understand bro.

 

[willitpass]

Potentially on my way to a fever. 99.2. Not a fever yet of course, but I've been religiously taking my temperature multiple times a day lately to keep an eye out and I normally run 96.8-98.6. Just have to wait and see what it does over time. It's possible it was just a fluke and I'll go back down, but I hope it keeps rising as that means it's working.

 

[willitpass]

Ever so slowly made it up to 99.5. It's looking like I may have done it. Curious to see where it is in a few hours. If the fever truly is the start of a septic infection I could be gone within 12 hours if I'm lucky.

 

[null_blank]

Looking forward to hearing about your progression

 

[Jon Arbuckle]

Ever so slowly made it up to 99.5. It's looking like I may have done it. Curious to see where it is in a few hours. If the fever truly is the start of a septic infection I could be gone within 12 hours if I'm lucky.

if this is really the end for you I'm hoping for the pain to not be too bad. I wish you peace

 

[willitpass]

Heart rate is creeping up. Could just be anxiety regarding whether it's working or not. I've been obsessively checking my temperature the last few hours but I'm going to try and sleep. That will be the real answer, whether or not it's gone up by morning.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Heart rate is creeping up. Could just be anxiety regarding whether it's working or not. I've been obsessively checking my temperature the last few hours but I'm going to try and sleep. That will be the real answer, whether or not it's gone up by morning.

Thinking about you, keep us updated if you want to and are able to<3 We care.

 

[CatLvr]

I understand this is what you want. I hope you go as quietly and as painfree as possible. My heart goes out to you.

 

[willitpass]

When I joined here over 4 years ago I never would have imagined this on my potential tickets to the bus. I've survived SN, drowning/hypothermia, and partial, what are the odds a little cut is what takes me out. Somewhat comical honestly. Everything I've lived through and this could be it. I really hope that my fever keeps rising, that really will be the telltale sign of if it's really septic or not.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry that it came to this, and I hope it's over as quickly and mercifully as possible

 

[mistymoo]

I keep checking up on this thread every few days. As a fellow self harmer I'm intrigued and see the appeal. I really hope this brings you the peace you deserve

 

[Ash]

I've tried this before and it didn't work. There's a certain satisfaction in witnessing it actually happening but I've been avoiding the thread because of my own MH stuff. Glad I've come back at what seems to be the right time though as you've been a huge support to me, @willitpass, and I want to thank you for that. I hope you're feeling everything you want and nothing more than you can handle.

 

[chester]

@willitpass how are you doing? I saw you online a moment ago, how is it?