Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

When I was 13 I had this down pat. No playing around with the rope position, I just leaned into it and out I went like a light. I'm doing something wrong because I keep obstructing my airway but not fully obstructing my carotid. I'm close because I get a slight floating/fainting feeling, but the airway closure it overpowering.
Still no luck avoiding my airway for some reason.

 

[willitpass]

Haven't yet passed out. Every time I come close SI takes over. It was so easy last time.

 

[daisymayhem]

I've engaged in severe self-harm for years and years now. Above 4 years ago I got an idea in my head to cut myself and rub something fowl like feces into it to induce an infection and hope it turns septic and kills me. I've put off the idea for years, but today I just want to die. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by surviving my 3 major attempts in the past has me unable to overcome the SI required to actively CTB, so I've resorted to passive suicide methods like daily overdoses of OTC meds, chronic starvation, chronic dehydration, etc. Today the urge became too much. I cut myself on the part of the skin believed to harbor the highest amount of bacteria, rubbed an unspeakably disgusting substance into it, and taped it shut so the bacteria can't escape. Now only time will tell if it turns septic. If I see signs that I am going septic, I will not tell anyone. I will stay home and let myself fall into shock until I die. If it doesn't turn septic, then well I've just engaged in the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life and I'll have to carry on.

Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.

I've often wondered the same, watching a cut area getting angrier and hoping it gets infected enough to kill. Stopped all my meds now, in the hope it kills me, started smoking again cos I know every cigarette is a step closer to a heart attack (i have vascular disease as well as other stuff). It's so hard when living is more punishment than blessing. I don't think anyone on this site would judge your desperation. Your far from stupid.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Thinking of you.

 

[Ash]

Thinking of you.

Same

 

[willitpass]

I tried for about 3 hours. The meds had kicked in in full force and I was falling asleep but still had no luck. I eventually just decided to go to my bed. I have some rope marks around my neck that I don't know if I'll be able to hide. I'm very disappointed right now.

 

[Ash]

I'm sorry you had to go through that x

 

[willitpass]

I used a slip knot last night rather than a noose knot. Maybe using a noose knot would allow it to tighten more/faster? I just don't know what I did wrong other than to blame it on SI and PTSD. It was so easy when I was fucking 13 how could so figure it out as someone hardly old enough to be considered a teen ager but can't figure it out with a fucking healthcare degree? Maybe ignorance is better in this case or something.

 

[willitpass]

Back in my garage. Might try things a bit different today and rig it up with the ligature point in my car but my body outside my car. I think maybe it was just too positional inside. Gonna try the noose knot too. I hate to do it outside of the car as that's one less barrier for whoever finds me to have protecting them from seeing me. If I'm inside the car they could peak in and see all they need to know and leave. If I'm outside the car they open the garage and there I am, all of the horror. It's unfortunate but I am so desperate. I just need to go.
With everything going on I never changed the dressing yesterday. Or this morning. I wonder how nasty it looks.

I rigged up the rope to have the noose outside of the car and the slack inside. I looped the rope around the coat hanger/handle thing and then slammed it in the door, same as last night but inverse. I hope I'm not too loud as someone walks by that it draws attention. I'm not sure how sound proof this garage is. Then again what are the odds that someone will bother to call in or do something about odd noises in a garage? I keep reminding myself people are inherently self centered and the bystander effect is quite real. Let's hope I don't make noise at the perfect time while someone decides to not mind their own business for once. Please god let me go through with this today.
Took some baclofen and benadryl after testing it out. It's same as yesterday, I can feel it but get anxious and ease the pressure up. This set up is a lot more difficult for me to avoid falling into once the meds hit and I start falling asleep though.

 

[maniac116]

You do know "motherfucker" isn't used in a literal sense, right? If anything, it's more playful and endearing.

Please promptly remove whatever stick is wedged up your posterior.

Go away!

 

[willitpass]

Getting harder to fight it. I think the meds are kicking. I keep batting at the air rather than trying to grab the rope when it starts to get too tight. Maybe once I give it a bit more times and the meds are in full force I'll be able to do it. Please I need to die.

 

[uglyugly]

You have a lot of courage to try that, and I mean that with respect - I could not bring myself to as I lack the guts. I am hoping you will find peace no matter what way things go.

 

[Ash]

As always, wishing you peace and holding you in my thoughts x

 

[willitpass]

I've given up again for now. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this hell. I'm stuck on this god damned side of heaven.

 

[Ash]

Again, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this x

 

[lostintheloop]

Your thread is heartbreaking to read. I'm so sorry you've had to go to such extremes and continue to suffer so much you are in my thoughts

 

[willitpass]

The rope marks look so bad. I just tried a ton of concealer on them and it did practically nothing. I don't wear makeup so I have no clue how to properly cover them. I'm fucked if anyone sees them, especially family or friends. I just want out of this hell why is it so fucking hard. Slow suicide is too slow for how desperate I am. Fast suicide seems impossible to achieve. What kind of sick joke is the universe playing.

 

[Ash]

The rope marks look so bad. I just tried a ton of concealer on them and it did practically nothing. I don't wear makeup so I have no clue how to properly cover them. I'm fucked if anyone sees them, especially family or friends. I just want out of this hell why is it so fucking hard. Slow suicide is too slow for how desperate I am. Fast suicide seems impossible to achieve. What kind of sick joke is the universe playing.

On the plus side, that is why the universe invented scarves and buffs and turtlenecks and collars. (I can't do makeup either.)

Can you get into an argument with your cat? Or fall into a big patch of nettles or have an argument with a cactus?

 

[willitpass]

On the plus side, that is why the universe invented scarves and buffs and turtlenecks and collars. I can't do makeup either.

Can you get into an argument with your cat? Or fall into a big patch of nettles or have an argument with a cactus?

It's a very distinct red line circling my neck, unfortunately I think the only reasonable excuse is to say it was a kink thing. I don't own a turtleneck but I might have to run to the store and buy one.

 

[CatLvr]

It's a very distinct red line circling my neck, unfortunately I think the only reasonable excuse is to say it was a kink thing. I don't own a turtleneck but I might have to run to the store and buy one.

Green neutralizes red. It may take you a few times to get the right mix of green, yellow and black/grey but look at it this way. YouTube has a TON of videos on concealer and colors (Halloween is my fav holiday! ).

Haha! Didn't finish my thought ... I was gonna toss in my dark humor and say "what else are you doing today?"

 

[willitpass]

It's not the best but I broke out my definitely expired makeup from high school. Not many color options so I chose the closest eye shadow color to green I could. Some purple too. And a ton of concealer. At least it's not as in your face now. If I pair it with a hoodie or go buy a turtleneck hopefully it'll be enough for nobody to ask.

I'm really beginning to think I may have to resort to the violent methods that I have been avoiding since I became suicidal. In my research about car hangings the most common method seems to be tying the rope to something sturdy like a tree, putting the noose around your neck, and then slamming the gas. It is likely to cause decapitation which is off putting to me but I'm running out of other options. I could attempt to get a gun and then teach myself how to shoot it. That'd be expensive and time consuming, and I'm unsure if I would pass a background check or not. I don't know if I would be able to muster up the courage to jump. If I can't do partial Im not seeing many other options.

 

[willitpass]

Only good thing about these last few days is I've stressed myself out of hunger. This morning I was at my new lowest weight.
There's something very strange about resuming life as usual right after spending three days doing may absolute hardest to not be here. I shouldn't be alive right now. But I am. And I'm angry about it but I can't even tell anyone why I'm furious. No one knows how close to death I was. No one knows that I'm even suicidal in my life right now. I think this is the first suicide attempt that I haven't even given the slightest inkling of how much I'm struggling to a single person. Every other time I've at least hinted to someone close in my life I'm doing shit. This would have been a silent suicide. And now it's a silent suicide attempt where I have to go back to life like nothing happened. A little makeup and a hoodie and a fake story about being sick. It's not fair that I can't die.

 

[willitpass]

My neck really hurts and is swollen. I don't think it's swollen enough for anyone else to notice but it's swollen enough to set off my anorexia into thinking I look like a fat pig. I took a shower though, and I'm pretty sure at least some of the makeup wore off. It's looking way better already. Not nearly as red so hopefully I can hide it okay. I've been super nauseous ever since I woke up from my medication induced nap. I'm assuming it's also the meds causing the nausea. Hopefully they wear off by morning. It's really fucking bullshit that I'm alive right now.

 

[willitpass]

I think the rope marks are completely gone which is great news. I didn't take any laxatives the last couple of days and drank way more than I've been allowing myself to yesterday so I'm having refractory constipation and fluid retention. The number on the scale went up by a pound and it's really just icing on the cake. Really fucking rubbing it in that I'm still fucking alive. It feels like everything is falling apart when meanwhile my life looks like it's only going uphill to everyone who knows me IRL.

 

[null_blank]

I'm sorry you're struggling so hard, fren :c

 

[chester]

I can't imagine what it must have been like, going through all this. I hate our biology for killing people who want to live and refusing to cooperate when we've had enough. I also wish I could just die of something without having to kill myself. If there was a quick and reliable way of inducing a lethal illness, I'd go for it in a heartbeat.

 

[willitpass]

Just got toothpaste on my sleeve and it just about made me cry. I'm so done with everything.

 

[Ash]

I hear you. I always get spatter on my boobs so it sticks out several feet in front of me xx

 

[willitpass]

Between all the meds I've taken the last several days and I think some potential airway swelling from yesterday I have been easily short of breath today. And extremely disassociated.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Between all the meds I've taken the last several days and I think some potential airway swelling from yesterday I have been easily short of breath today. And extremely disassociated.

I would guess you've been dissociated most of the past few weeks dealing with all of this. The pain of going about "regular" life after attempt(s) is so invalidating and horrible. I hope the day treats you as kindly as possible.