Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[mr.smileysad]

Maybe I should put on a movie. That'd be a nice way to die. I've always been a fan on Disney movies. And if I survive who doesn't like a good disney movie. I could watch Inside Out for the irony. Or maybe Finding Nemo would be a nice one to leave to. The music in Tangled is nice. I loved Cars when I was younger.
Took even more.

I think PONYO would be a nice movie to die to.

 

[willitpass]

My one medication refill is ready. I need to wait awhile before my next med is up. It's a couple of weeks away. If I can just make it a couple of weeks then I can take both of them together all at once, not staggered. If staggering them with even less than I'll have available next time around brought my heart rate down to the 20s then taking them all at once has got to be enough to stop my heart. Please got tell me it's enough. Just gotta make it a couple weeks then I can go. Might add a small overdose of baclofen into it as well. Too much baclofen increases the heart rate and blood pressure, but in smaller doses it lowers them. So if I take just a bit of baclofen to top it all off.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

My one medication refill is ready. I need to wait awhile before my next med is up. It's a couple of weeks away. If I can just make it a couple of weeks then I can take both of them together all at once, not staggered. If staggering them with even less than I'll have available next time around brought my heart rate down to the 20s then taking them all at once has got to be enough to stop my heart. Please got tell me it's enough. Just gotta make it a couple weeks then I can go. Might add a small overdose of baclofen into it as well. Too much baclofen increases the heart rate and blood pressure, but in smaller doses it lowers them. So if I take just a bit of baclofen to top it all off.

Are you going to give your body and mind some relief in the mean time or same self harm business as usual?

 

[willitpass]

Are you going to give your body and mind some relief in the mean time or same self harm business as usual?

If I give my body a break it may allow it to build up too much strength. I want to wear myself down as much as humanly possible leading up to it to give myself the best chance at success. Abusing laxatives would throw my electrolytes out of wack, which predisposes you to cardiac issues. Continuing to overdose on pain killers that are tough on the kidneys as well as dehydrating myself will mess with some electrolytes and such as well as make it harder for my body to eliminate the heart meds when the time comes. Restricting in general wears down all of the body, including the heart. I'm methodically torturing myself.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I've been reading your thread the past couple weeks but didn't know what to say, it's just heartbreaking to read everything you've been through and continue to endure.

A person should never have to put up with the level of pain, humiliation, and putting on a brave face that you've had to do. Whenever people say suicidal individuals are cowardly or taking "the easy way out" I wish that they could see what you've written here and truly reflect on the content of your post. Because you are tough as nails. Despite how much you're hurting physically and mentally, you still try to not to worry others and get things done that you need to do, even in such a worn down and hurt state.

I wish that life had not lead you down this route. I really hope you can enjoy a nice nostalgic movie or something you love, after everything you've been through you deserve to have something good.

 

[undecided]

Can I ask why you only ever respond to questions that are directed to you, but you don't respond to other posts, e.g. people showing concern for you, but not asking you direct questions? I'm genuinely interested to know.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

If I give my body a break it may allow it to build up too much strength. I want to wear myself down as much as humanly possible leading up to it to give myself the best chance at success. Abusing laxatives would throw my electrolytes out of wack, which predisposes you to cardiac issues. Continuing to overdose on pain killers that are tough on the kidneys as well as dehydrating myself will mess with some electrolytes and such as well as make it harder for my body to eliminate the heart meds when the time comes. Restricting in general wears down all of the body, including the heart. I'm methodically torturing myself.

I hear you. It would be nice if you could give yourself a break since it sounds like your plan with the meds should work regardless, but I know you don't want to take any chances and want to be worn down enough. Was just curious. The whole "act" having to function normally in the world is scary.

It definitely makes me think about tweaking my own plan as it involves heart meds…just in case.

 

[willitpass]

Can I ask why you only ever respond to questions that are directed to you, but you don't respond to other posts, e.g. people showing concern for you, but not asking you direct questions? I'm genuinely interested to know.

I'm bad at accepting concern in general, both here and in real life. I never know how to respond when someone expresses concern or even well wishes. Maybe it's my self loathing or maybe it's just being a tad socially awkward. I don't know. And aside from that, I really don't have the mental capacity right now for emotional conversation. I can answer questions because it's simple. There's a question, here's my answer. No right or wrong way to go about it. It doesn't drain me as much to just answer a question. It's not that I'm not reading the other responses, and it's not that they don't mean anything to me. They do mean a lot to me and I appreciate people for taking the time to care about me, but I'm running on empty already, no emotional energy left to give.
After all of the meds and attempted hangings and emotional trauma I keep realizing I hardly remember the last few days. I hardly remember the whole last week honestly. I remember the meds and the hanging but anything in between seems to have completely gone in my mind. Thursday? Not sure. Friday? I don't remember it. Saturday other than the overdosing and hanging? No clue.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so fatigued. Mentally and physically. I'm ready to go.

 

[willitpass]

I've been so dizzy today. Nearly passed out at one point. Would've been bad as it would have been in front of people. I've had a couple people ask me if I've lost weight today. One of them knows a bit of my history and was very suspicious when they asked it. I just shrugged and said I don't know. Someone else was really worried about my absences but luckily they only know about my physical health problems and not my mental health problems so I just told them that I've been sick and trying to figure out what's going on with my doctor. I just need people to stay not suspicious for a few more weeks and then I can be out of here.
I'm calling to cancel my two remaining doctors appointments today. Both are specialist appointments. Ones supposed to be diagnostic and another is a follow up. I already cancelled my dentist appointment and plan on never scheduling a physical or follow up with a different specialist. If god forbid I'm still alive by new years I plan on getting lost to follow up with the entire medical system. No use getting medical care when my entire goal is to fuck my self up. And I absolutely do not want anyone to start to question why certain things are always off when there isn't a good reason for it. Best to just stay away.

 

[willitpass]

I'm going to take a small overdose of laxatives tonight. Not too many, too much to do tomorrow to be completely shitting my brains out. Just enough to fuck my electrolytes over some more and dehydrate me. Need to take even more pain killers. I've almost passed out again a few more times today. And my sense of time is so skewed. I don't really know how to describe it but time is passing in a very strange way. I've been very forgetful today. And I keep zoning out. I'll hear someone talking to me but it's like my brain doesn't understand what they're saying. Like I'm being spoken to in a different language.

 

[willitpass]

I'm absolutely furious right now. I misread the date that my next medication is due for refill. It's not in two weeks, it's in a full fucking month. I have to make it another month. I can't. I don't have it in me. But I have no way to get it any sooner. I have to make it another month. It's not fucking fair.

 

[willitpass]

Just gonna have to keep doing everything I'm doing to wear myself down. It's obviously having some sort of effect based on how horrific I've felt all day. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll go septic or into kidney failure or an electrolyte imbalance induced fatal arrhythmia before the prescription is even ready. I took more laxatives just now. I'll be changing the dressing in a second. Something has to give. My body can only handle so much before something has to give. I'm truly doing an assault on all systems. Something has to happen.

 

[CantDoIt]

Just gonna have to keep doing everything I'm doing to wear myself down. It's obviously having some sort of effect based on how horrific I've felt all day. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll go septic or into kidney failure or an electrolyte imbalance induced fatal arrhythmia before the prescription is even ready. I took more laxatives just now. I'll be changing the dressing in a second. Something has to give. My body can only handle so much before something has to give. I'm truly doing an assault on all systems. Something has to happen.

I feel badly that you're doing this to yourself, but I understand how difficult other methods have been made for you.

On another thread you urged me to get my health concerns checked while you purposely choose painful assaults on yourself. I hope you get the leave you're looking for very soon.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so fucking thirsty but I have to keep myself dehydrated. I want to fucking chug as much water as my stomach will hold.
I'm so dizzy.

 

[willitpass]

I drank too much. I've had about 18oz today. I'm gonna have to compensate later with laxatives and pain meds.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Thinking of you, I know you're going through it. <3 sending love.

 

[maniac116]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time & hope your suffering ends soon

 

[willitpass]

I took more laxatives just now and instantly started having chest pain. I drank way too much today so hopefully it works well to dehydrate me again. And fucks my electrolytes. Tomorrow night I'll take an obnoxious amount of laxatives.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I took more laxatives just now and instantly started having chest pain. I drank way too much today so hopefully it works well to dehydrate me again. And fucks my electrolytes. Tomorrow night I'll take an obnoxious amount of laxatives.

I wish you hadn't done this to yourself but clearly its far too late to turn back at this point, I hope you're still managing to do some things that you enjoy/make you happy and making the best you can out of the time you have. Whats your overall status lately? also feel free to chat me if you ever want someone to talk to or take your mind off things.

 

[willitpass]

I wish you hadn't done this to yourself but clearly its far too late to turn back at this point, I hope you're still managing to do some things that you enjoy/make you happy and making the best you can out of the time you have. Whats your overall status lately? also feel free to chat me if you ever want someone to talk to or take your mind off things.

Considering the amount of things I've done to myself and still come back from, I don't think it's too late if I truly didn't want it to be. While ideally I would seek medical care, my healthcare background has me knowledgeable about what's likely going on with me and I know how to go about reversing what I suspect is going on if I wanted to. Not as good as going to the doctor and getting tests done and them treating me based on the results, but I feel confident that if I wanted to I could bring myself out of an acute distress. It wouldn't undo any long term damage, but I could get myself to back to baseline. None of that matters since I don't want to though.

Overall I feel very unwell after last weekend. I'm highly fatigued, I have new memory and focus problems that are really getting in the way of things. I'm having a lot of mid back pain, right upper quadrant pain, and chest pain. I've been easily short of breath. Not much new as far as the wound, though I have continued to reopen it and the like every day. Nothing has really improved or worsened there, pretty status quo. I have been extremely dizzy and nearly fainted several times. I feel horrible. If this doesn't kill me before my meds are ready in a month then I'm in for one hell of a month.

 

[willitpass]

I've returned back to my lowest weight this morning after putting back on about half a pound yesterday. And I'm not even cleaned out right now. I plan on cleaning myself out this evening and I can't wait to see the scale go down. I've been restricting my food intake in general but I've been trying to restrict my sodium even further. I don't want anything in me to hold onto water. I'm loosing a lot of sodium from the laxative abuse and hyponatremia is a pretty dangerous game to play but what game am I playing right now that isn't?

I'm so ready to die.

 

[Ash]

 

[willitpass]

Sometimes I convince myself I'm not sick enough. My anorexia isn't that bad because I'm not underweight. My self harm isn't that bad because I can still function in society. I'm not that sick.

 

[Little_Suzy]

The account of KR, who was diagnosed with Munchhausen syndrome, is shockingly similar. She did not die; instead, they amputated her limbs.

I'm writing because what happens if it gets this far? Sepsis does not kill you, but it does necessitate the amputation of your wounded limb.

 

[willitpass]

The account of KR, who was diagnosed with Munchhausen syndrome, is shockingly similar. She did not die; instead, they amputated her limbs.

I'm writing because what happens if it gets this far? Sepsis does not kill you, but it does necessitate the amputation of your wounded limb.

If it gets that far I'm not seeking help. I will kill myself if the pain is unbearable and if the pain is bearable I will seclude myself until it kills me. Once sepsis sets in it's a quick time from symptom onset to death, so I wouldn't have to wait long. Limb necrosis is very late stage sepsis, once that sets in you don't have long left at all without medical care. Someone with Munchausen will seek care because they want the attention, I will do just the opposite.

 

[nir]

The account of KR, who was diagnosed with Munchhausen syndrome, is shockingly similar. She did not die; instead, they amputated her limbs.

I'm writing because what happens if it gets this far? Sepsis does not kill you, but it does necessitate the amputation of your wounded limb.

I can't find her account on here - was it deleted? That is such an unbearably sad outcome.

 

[willitpass]

It's so odd being so high functioning. I think my coworkers and classmates would be incredibly blindsided and shocked by my suicide. I don't think I really give any indications of how horrible my mental state is. I like to think I perform well at work and my grades show that I'm excelling at this degree. I have a lot on my plate and am often commended for how well I balance it all. No one knows how many times I stop on my way home from work to pick up laxatives or pain killers. No one knows I eat just enough to be able to safely perform my job. No one knows I'm actually doing the bare minimum in classes because they're the last priority on my list and I'm just unbelievably lucky to have natural academic skill… What a waste of a life I am to be able to get another healthcare degree without even trying yet I'll probably die before I can ever get it. I really am a waste of potential. What a selfish bitch I am… I think 95% of the people who know me would think I was lying if I told them that I torture myself day in and day out. That on my off days I lay in bed because I plan my self harm to be at its worst on my off days and I become incapacitated. Only to strategically plan my recovery from it to get me to JUST well enough to do what I have to do the next day. In pain and feeling unwell, but functional enough to not be a danger. Being high functioning is strange.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so so so nauseous. I can't sleep.

 

[willitpass]

New lowest weight by 2lbs and I'm not even cleaned out. I feel so tired and weak. I don't want to get out of bed I just want to sleep. But I can't. My brain is so foggy. I'm so tired.