Venting Social anxiety is destroying my life

[NoFutureAnymore]

This is my first venting thread, let's see how it goes... Last year was a year full of pain, because I lost the love of my life. This was extremely painful and difficult, not only because I lost her but also because I'm not a very social person limited by a lot of social anxiety. I feel even a little bit afraid to write this. I didn't know how to continue with life so I joined SS and started to plan my ctb. Meanwhile I started to do therapy, because I want to give life a last chance. But it goes very slow and I still feel extremely limited in life compared to the average person. At the same time I kept continuing, I'm cooking food, I'm seeing friends and family and I even hit the gym quite often.

Actually this is where my faith in life was coming back again. I don't know exactly why but I felt a little bit better and started to notice that some girls were looking in my direction. I guess woman can smell your mood... I have no other explanation for this. There was one girl in particularly which was looking every time when I came into the gym. She even did exercises close to me, I guess to make it easier for me... I was ignoring it a little bit in the beginning because I still feel bad about my loss. But I guess she didn't give up for quite some time. So I decided that I maybe should give it a chance, but the closer she was the more nervous I got. When I got home I started to regret it and was thinking about how I should say something next time. This repeated for multiple times and I did do nothing! And now I noticed that she isn't looking at all anymore and she is doing her exercises on the other side of the gym with a female friend. I feels like she is even avoiding eye contact.

So basically I didn't do anything and that's basically how every social opportunity in life goes for me. I feel like a pathetic idiot, hate myself and my mood is rock bottom again. And that's why I'm back here... I was doubting if I should post this in the recovery section, but I guess there is no (simple) solution to my anxiety. So I think my destiny is ctb... I'm still open to suggestions though. Maybe I'll be patient and give it to the end of the year, but I can't deal with this for long.

 

[Subterran]

I understand. It's difficult, man. If it was only a problem of willpower, these social dances wouldn't be so difficult, would they? Instead we have to evaluate, in real-time, whether someone is interested in us, whether we're interested in them, what we want to say, how what we want to say is likely to be received, how we can phrase it differently, whether we should phrase it differently... and all this before the first word is even spoken. By the time you settle on a strategy the moment is already passed and you feel like you screwed up and this is your reward. If you don't "smell" right, or don't have the gift of charisma, it feels hopeless.

If you don't mind me asking, by "lost" do you mean passed away? Or breakup?

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

step 1: avoid
step 2: regret

it's a formula i'm very familiar with. doing nothing and waiting until an opportunity has passed me by is something i've done countless times in my life. the awkward aftermath is always the worst, and seeing them turn their attention to someone else.

it's partially fixable though, i'd say. your social anxiety is probably going to accompany you in the future, but if your therapy is any good you're going to learn some decent coping strategys that will enable you to overcome your inhibition (assuming you're in therapy because of your social anxiety). more opportunities will come your way. and you'll only have to get it right once. i'm fully aware of how much easier this is said than done. though. i know how crippling social anxiety can be.
getting into good shape is going to boost your confidence, so it's good you're doing that.

also you could try online dating. making the first step there is a lot easier.

i think you should give it another chance, you don't sound like you're hopeless and done with life.

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

@CasTheFriendlyGhost Thank you for you nice words, it sounds like there might be some hope left. Are you now able to approach a girl in a relative normal way? The social anxiety is the most extreme in this situation, so if that would be less in my situation then I guess all to other situations would be even better.

(assuming you're in therapy because of your social anxiety).

Yes, that's one of the things on the list besides trauma's which might cause it too. I'm dealing at the moment with the latter, but I don't feel a lot of effect on the social anxiety. Later on we will continue with CBT.

also you could try online dating. making the first step there is a lot easier.

I find the woman online way too arrogant. I would say I get eye contact from beter looking woman in real life, then the very few that liked me online (I used it before the gf I mentioned above). This caused me to feel even more like shit. So, to protect my self image, it's better to stay away from online dating. So I really hope that my anxiety becomes manageable, it would solve many problems in my life including this.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

step 1: avoid
step 2: regret

I feel like a lot of people experience this, especially anxious people. It's a natural reaction I suppose. You feel an unpleasant emotion and then try to avoid the unpleasant emotion but oftentimes that avoidance can lead to regrets.

I've experienced it and it's why I refuse to quit college. It causes me so much stress and anxiety but I'm tired of being a "quitter". I quit too many things in life




And @NoFutureAnymore , you might get another opportunity, even if not with her, maybe with someone else. You said you're open to suggestions and I think the best one I have is to try to push past the anxiety and force yourself to interact with others. It's the only way I'm able to make friends. I actually avoided talking to a girl I kinda liked last semester until the very end of the semester and now, I'll probably never see her again. I mean, it might not have worked out, I'm not in a great place mentally, BUT I avoided it, and then regretted it.

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

I understand. It's difficult, man. If it was only a problem of willpower, these social dances wouldn't be so difficult, would they? Instead we have to evaluate, in real-time, whether someone is interested in us, whether we're interested in them, what we want to say, how what we want to say is likely to be received, how we can phrase it differently, whether we should phrase it differently... and all this before the first word is even spoken. By the time you settle on a strategy the moment is already passed and you feel like you screwed up and this is your reward. If you don't "smell" right, or don't have the gift of charisma, it feels hopeless.

Yes, it all goes so fast in that situation, my brain just freezes. So I probably look like a dumb idiot. I also have this in other situations with no girls involved, but less extreme. But it still feels awkward.

If you don't mind me asking, by "lost" do you mean passed away? Or breakup?

Sadly enough she passed away. She was perfect, I was really lucky. That's why I didn't see any future anymore, until recently. I still miss her very much, but I know that I have to try too continue. However my social anxiety makes it even more difficult.

I actually avoided talking to a girl I kinda liked last semester until the very end of the semester and now, I'll probably never see her again. I mean, it might not have worked out, I'm not in a great place mentally, BUT I avoided it, and then regretted it.

Yes that's the thing, in a lot of situation I think I'm going to f**k things up, but I actually do that by not saying anything.

 

[Subterran]

Sometimes, just a little bit of anxiety can make things fun. Have you ever felt that? It can be easy for it to be overwhelming, but I relish safe opportunities to indulge my anxieties in sport and social situations. ("Safe" being the key word. It kind of sucks when you have stuff you really want depending on your performance.)

Back in college, I and a friend, who was also very socially anxious, dared each other into a game of talking to strangers at the cafe. Sometimes we would lie to break the ice more easily (e.g. pretend we recognized them, mistook them for someone else), other times we would just be upfront about the game. We could laugh and joke about the failures because nothing was really riding on it, and we weren't echo chambering inside a single brain.

Anyway, I feel like these kinds of dumb thrills are something that socially well-adjusted people will never understand. I wish I still had someone to play those games with these days.

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

Sometimes, just a little bit of anxiety can make things fun. Have you ever felt that? It can be easy for it to be overwhelming, but I relish safe opportunities to indulge my anxieties in sport and social situations. ("Safe" being the key word. It kind of sucks when you have stuff you really want depending on your performance.)

Back in college, a friend and I, who was also very socially anxious, dared each other into a game of talking to strangers at the cafe. Sometimes we would lie to break the ice more easily (e.g. pretend we recognized them, mistook them for someone else), other times we would just be upfront about the game. We could laugh and joke about the failures because nothing was really riding on it, and we weren't echo chambering inside a single brain.

Anyway, I feel like these kinds of dumb thrills are something that socially well-adjusted people will never understand. I wish I still had someone to play those games with these days.

Yes, it's good to have a friend who has the same struggles and encourage you to get out of the comfort zone. I did something similar in the past and it helped temporally. The effect however faded away over time, so I'm actually hoping for a solution which also works more permanent and outside the bar, like in the office or in the gym. It just makes me tired to do this kind of self help with limited results.

 

[Subterran]

It just makes me tired to do this kind of self help with limited results.

Doing it alone is definitely a lot more intimidating. What sort of self-help schemes have you tried?

The effect however faded away over time, so I'm actually hoping for a solution which also works more permanent and outside the bar, like in the office or in the gym.

Do you see the office and the gym as presenting unique challenges compared to the bar?

(If I might talk about gyms, I have to say a rock climbing/bouldering gym in particular is an extremely easy place to socialize. You can start a conversation just geeking out about a problem on the wall you're both working on, or that they're working on and you pretend to be working on. I've never felt closer to being an ambivert than when I was an active climber.)

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

Doing it alone is definitely a lot more intimidating. What sort of self-help schemes have you tried?

Not literally schemes, but similar things like you did in the bar, trying breathing exercises, tried ashwaganda. Things like that, but nothing really fixes this anxious feeling inside. So I may should be patient and wait for the therapy to progress like @CasTheFriendlyGhost proposed. I'm also out of energy so a therapist can be more motivating and brings structure in the process.

Do you see the office and the gym as presenting unique challenges compared to the bar?

It isn't such a big deal when you make a fool of yourself in the bar. Most people are drunk including yourself and you can just move to the next bar. You can't do that easily in the office or gym. The anxiety is bigger when I'm sober too.