Random thoughts

[RM5998]

Somehow, drinking with acquaintances makes it slightly more tolerable.

 

[blanketyblk]

All my friends are planning wedding and baby showers and I'm planning biopsies and deciding if I should dye my hair purple or blue before I lose it to chemo.

They keep telling me to stay positive, but I've known since day one in my gut this would be bad.

You keep your head up girl. it's not definite yet.. always hope.. so i got everything crossed for you. even my little toes. which is quite hard to do i would point out :-)

as for hair color. i recently went from my purple to to bright neon blue. as I'm feeling very blue so my hair is showing my moods :-) yeah it's weird but shit. so am i :-)

 

[blanketyblk]

looks like another jumper at my jump spot. seems to be one every 9 days now.. things much be getting bad everywhere :-(

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

It would be nice if I could finally end it

 

[Kikoo Loool]

It would be nice if my suicide partner lived next to me.

 

[omoidarui]

it would be nice if LyingIsSoFun stopped making new accounts here what a loser XDD

 

[your pathologist]

Random thoughts: im reviving this thread cuz i just spent over an hour reading through 50 or so pages trying to find my thoughts from last year.
The desperation was haunting
Its difficult to still read Dani Paradox's thoughts in his voice, even tho his voice will never again be heard on this earth.
Same with Miss Clefable. These two were personal friends of mine and i regret not being closer to them toward their end. Cleffy went first and then Dani followed when the loneliness consumed him.

Dani and i were supposed to go drink together in providence on a night out.
I used to call him when i wandered the streets home from the bars in dallas. He kept me company when i babbled drunkenly
Disguising myself with just enough purpose to not feel threatened...

Im sorry dani. I shoulda responded
Im sorry cleffy. I shoulda picked up the phone.

 

[Morphinekiss]

How the FUCK am I going to pay for this biopsy? I called the dr and asked if I could put it off a few weeks and he laughed at me and said sure, if I want to grow more tumors. Thanks doc. Now I feel even better about the situation *insert sarcasm*

Time for a Xanax nap.

 

[your pathologist]

My car is where i spend my time practicing life as an actual cigarette

 

[blanketyblk]

drove to my jump site today. emergency services are all still out there. seems it was a couple that jumped.. young couple too apparently. so i just drove around.

 

[Donewith_]

I am finding this very difficult.
Iam suppressing myself from the time when i gained consciousness...

I am afraid of something i don't know.
Why am i like this? Why should this be so shitty? Can i get answers for these.
I was always stuck in my head with anxiety, fear.. i was depressed from a very long time.. i don't know whom to trust , i did not have anyone to trust.. i was alost soul. Evenings were so dark..i felt that emptiness inside me always and fear.
I wish i can get help with crossing over.
I want answers for the last time
I am afraid of something
I was alone..no one is really with me. No one shared what i was really feeling, my fears. This is all shit. I should not remember again.
I don't know how it'll be

 

[woxihuanni]

drove to my jump site today. emergency services are all still out there. seems it was a couple that jumped.. young couple too apparently. so i just drove around.

Did they succeed?

 

[blanketyblk]

Did they succeed?

yes, it's nearly an 800 meter drop. no one has survived the fall as far as i know.

 

[vonvonwantpeace]

I feel like ctb'ing sooner than later. My only method 100% ready to go (SN) isn't my preferred one though.

same, can't wait.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I miss being young, can't really handle this adulthood thing. I think I'll never grow up.

 

[Roulette]

Woo. Cut myself off from friends and broke up with a loving+caring person. Self-destructed and ready to ctb. Or do something else. Sigh. I feel better now that I'm alone but in the long-term this will probably hurt -.-

 

[SinisterKid]

I'm a freak, a very bad man, so watch out world, one of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces. Which gives me a great big fuckin reason to post this

 

[Donewith_]

Did i do it wrong again
irresponsible
Did i slip it
This is bullshit..i have no clarity
My idiotic, pathetic existence
Why can't i be forgotten? I want to be forgotten .
For that i need to be dead. But you know what it exactly is
My mind is really unclear, clumsy
My brain is blind..it is blind
Whats invisible..what needs to be seen yet i need to go ahead

 

[Roulette]

Man i'm really at my darkest hour. Everything feels so dark, alone and suffocating. I don't know how to manage my sadness at all. Heck jumping off something sounds really tempting right about now.

 

[woxihuanni]

Man i'm really at my darkest hour. Everything feels so dark, alone and suffocating. I don't know how to manage my sadness at all. Heck jumping off something sounds really tempting right about now.

Please don't act on it in a moment of crisis. Make a separate thread for help if necessary. Sending you hugs...

 

[your pathologist]

Im enjoying this cooler weather.
Now i can cover myself with as much clothing as i want and live my life as a blanket.
Cozy

 

[RM5998]

Went bar-hopping yesterday with an old schoolmate. I, the idiot who's been alone his entire life, ended up offering relationship advice. Tried to make my friend steer the conversation into areas where he can talk about the important stuff instead of being aggressive, but apparently, that didn't end up actually salvaging anything. Just another thing to add to the pile of pointless efforts that is my life.

 

[your pathologist]

8 hours surfing this site today.
Shit

 

[mattwitt]

I hate shaving !

 

[Morphinekiss]

Officially starting to get terrified about the biopsy. Don't care about the results, just the biopsy procedure terrifies me.

 

[Donewith_]

Spoiler: Rant

My brain is not mine.. i can't control it.
Its like a separate thing from me..it acts however it wants leaving me in pathetic state
How feeble my brain has become.. it is getting triggered my minor things..
Firstly, its my mistake to dig things up.. but i was doing that to help myself.. to leave no stone unturned.
Wow..this is bullshit. Even when trying to help myself..the minor things in it trigger me.. this is unexplainable shit.
I have no healthy coping methods either.. which help me and don't trigger me.
In times like these..i dissociate from myself .. to cope.
This is another shittiest method to cope
This all takes me down the same loop once again.. which i don't want to got through..why should this happen? What have i done
I am in shit ton of pain..physical and mental.
Is someone experimenting on me.. to know the pain threshold a human can bear.
This is a whirlpool.. if i catch one thought that triggers .. the rest of the process of me going down the spiral is not in my hands.. its automatic.. ends up with me dissociating from myself and reality.
And makes me realise how i can't get up again.
You know.. even when you sleep thinking you can get away from shitty thoughts..your brain has its own ways to bring things up again..may be it is trying to heal or just mess up with you.
You are doomed.
You can't control your own brain. Period.

Whats true and whats not

 

[woxihuanni]

In one of my fucking rages that I could burn the world. Need to leave soon and go and do some stuff.

You know what, fucker, you are pathetic for being a puppet and not being able to face it. If you had the guts, you would have killed yourself rather than being this mess that you are. Your home is nothing but a storage place for your master, your life is nothing but being at their beck and call. You have given up your career because you don't want to succeed in anything they failed in. Neither do you want me to. If they had achieved what I have achieved, you would literally be in your knees licking their asshole and working night and day with what they have. You miserable little worm that pretends to be free. You will never be free, because you refuse to be free. You will never have an identitiy, you don't even have your own favourite colour because you're not allowed to. Let me tell you what I think of orange: It is the colour for fake people who hide their venom in sugar. Filthy loser with an inferiority complex is what you are. Sorry my confidence offended you so you had to break it. Congrats! Kudos!

 

[262653]

Miasmata. I LOVE this word. Can't stop pronouncing it repeatedly. Miasmata. Easy to spell, sounds powerful, like a first-rate dwemer automaton, ready to crush any foe. Miasmata. Miasmata! MIASMATA My favourite English word for this month. Ok I can find some respite now that I got this off my chest. Miasmata is an inexhaustable source of immense joy. Miasmata. Better than automata, or even stigmata.

 

[SinisterKid]

Paris sounds great, looks great, probably is great, but do I really want to go there? That very tall tower Mr Eiffel built might prove to be a temptation too far

 

[ReverendGreen]

I wasted $250 on a class in the city that I was supposed to go to tonight but I'm going to watch the sunset instead.

Saw my mom today. I'm fucking terrible.
Idiot.