Random thoughts

[Futility]

I had a nightmare and it caused me to sit on the floor of the shower, not thinking at all, it was such a weird feeling basically having just teleported 2 hours ahead in time without feeling any time had passed at all.

It made me wonder if this is what death is like, no input, no output, like a computer that has been switched off and is none the wiser.

 

[blanketyblk]

so last couple of weeks i joined a dating site. eek i know. been chatting to a trans-girl who lives near by. today i had lunch with her and she seems so nice and down to earth. around my age. good job. mental health issues but on whole very nice.. so going out on a date tonight with her. first time going on a date in frigging ages.. i told her i'm still getting over someone and i'm just trying to find someone to connect with. she was happy with that. so see how it goes.

 

[waived]

I had a dream last night that I was in the back yard of a childhood friend's house at night. There weren't any lights on anywhere except for the street lights out front. All the other houses were dark and important only as reference points with vague memories attached to them. Using dream magic, I quietly broke into the house which was a convenient combination of the original smaller house they had lived in and the larger one they would end up moving into later. There was a family portrait that I had forgotten about and it was curiously out of focus but with what could have been the exact colors of everyone's clothes. A short time after entering, enough time to look around in place, I heard their mom's voice call out one of their names from the woods out back of the house and the dream ended.

 

[woxihuanni]

Just as I fell asleep last night, I had this very short aural dream. It was mother calling the shortened form of my name, and asking 'Which way are you?' twice.

I'm fucked sideways is which way, mother. :)

 

[LastFlowers]

I always ask my cat why she is so cute and why her mama (me) is so ugly. And to please share some of her cuteness with me lol.
She has no clue what I'm saying but I don't think this smug little fluff would ever share and I don't blame her! All cats know it is their greatest advantage.

 

[omoidarui]

trying to figure out what a certain person's right wing view was out of curiosity.

 

[LastFlowers]

trying to figure out what a certain person's right wing view was out of curiosity.

are you talking about that extreme ideology thread?

 

[blanketyblk]

Last nights 'date' was fantastic, stayed up on the tail gate of my car at the beach and talked until the sun rose this morning. it must of been 20 years since i've done that. she is a lovely person. got issues (like we all have) but yeah. it was nice. i even got complimented on how i look. and thats been frigging ages too. all in all. she was one nice hippy chick.

and the big thing for me. i actually laughed. not a forced or fake laugh when I've been doing for years. but a truly belly laugh. it felt amazing.

 

[azucaramargo]

Today was my birthday. I turned 25 years old. Lucky me. I can't say I'm very happy about that. In fact it's very depressing. I'm still here, alive. And the torture continues. I hope that was the last birthday I had to experience. But I ate a delicious cake. And I'm officially a very old person now.

That's the cake I ate: View attachment 16163

Happy birthday, Dear Rain and Sadness. I wish so much for your happiness. You're so young, and you have so much wonderful life ahead of you. I know it may not seem it. Proud of you!

Last nights 'date' was fanatic, stayed up on the tail gate of my car at the beach and talked until the sun rose this morning. it must of been 20 years since i've done that. she is a lovely person. got issues (like we all have) but yeah. it was nice. i even got complimented on how i look. and thats been frigging ages too. all in all. she was one nice hippy chick.

and the big thing for me. i actually laughed. not a forced or fake laugh when I've been doing for years. but a truly belly laugh. it felt amazing.

That is AWESOME! I am always happy to hear when people from the good side get a win.

 

[StillWaiting]

Don't get why people think suffering is part of being alive

 

[blanketyblk]

Today was my birthday. I turned 25 years old. Lucky me. I can't say I'm very happy about that. In fact it's very depressing. I'm still here, alive. And the torture continues. I hope that was the last birthday I had to experience. But I ate a delicious cake. And I'm officially a very old person now.

Hugs and happy belated birthday! at 25 that is soo soo not old :-) girl you are wonderful, brave, smart. i know these are just random words form a random person on the other side of the world. but big hugs!.

 

[Futility]

It annoys me when people ask me for small favors that are easy to do themselves.
It makes me feel like they're incompetent or trying to manipulate how I feel about them so they can ask for bigger favors later.
I like them less and less for it.

 

[omoidarui]

are you talking about that extreme ideology thread?

ye

~
So apparently Shatto Mère has caught the attention of her state rep and they're trying to pass "Shawny's Law", legislation to make sites like this one illegal because they give information on suicide - or at least give someone a peaceful means to do so. Fighting for something to curb people's rightful choice is one thing but assigning their daughter's name this 'legacy' as if she'd be happy about it... I hate to think as Shawn's looking down how hard she must be cringing rn goddam

 

[blanketyblk]

Today i finished writing my will and my letter to the executor of my estate. as of today i am now 2 months until my CTB deadline. and thus far nothing seems to me moving me off track.

This week i'm speaking to a lady to try and re-home my cat and then i start to get rid of possessions. i also have a work Councillor meeting tomorrow. where i am going to tell them that after my holiday, i do not plan on returning to work. (in truth in the middle of my holidays i plan on telling work i quit and then i can CBT without issues).

i have a skip bin setup to arrived on Friday so can start loading up all stuff i want to get rid off.

All personal items that i want to keep have been put together and organized and this week get put into a long term safety deposit box that includes kates suicide note. my parents wedding rings. video tapes o my parents playing music + videos of me playing music + alot of other personal stuff.

Seeming so final now. but i'm at peace with it all.

 

[blueming]

I'm so fcking socially awkward it HURTS

 

[Manaaja]

I'm proud of being an antinatalist and I hate human babies. But if I publicly announced that, everyone would instantly start hating me, calling me worse than Hitler and Stalin and North Korea combined. People would even cut ties with me. I'm not allowed to say it out loud, because this isn't a free world.

 

[vonvonwantpeace]

I hate everyone in our society.

 

[burnedCookie]

I'm slowly pushing away the last person I still have in my life. I'm sad because I really like her. I know she likes me too and I can't figure out why. I think she's just a kind girl and it feels good to talk and to see her once in a while, but sooner or later she'll want to know more and I can't do that anymore.

 

[k75]

I'm just extremely sad right now. I'm drunk but I'm also pretty manic. I've been packing my apartment in preparation to ctb. It's a horrible mix of things because I can't seem to stop.

This so difficult and I'm having so many emotions right now that are just really bad. I'm super anxious and sad and I've been crying for hours but I've been doing things this whole time. I've just been sorting all my belongings and trying to get them nicely packed away. I'm figuring out what to do with everything. I don't really want to be doing any of this right now but it's got to be done. And when I don't have anything left to do then I've got to start making the big decisions that I've been avoiding. I'm really scared right now.

I think ultimately this really terrifies me and I don't understand where this energy is coming from because the alcohol should have sedated me. I'm feeling really drunk and I know I'm rambling all over the place and I should not be even posting here right now but I am. But I'm feeling so manic I can't stop doing things around the house and this is so weird and the opposite of how I've been for weeks now or maybe months I don't even... Time is kind of slipping away from me lately and I don't even know

 

[blanketyblk]

it hit me today that i can no longer remember the sound of my mums voice. cried my heart out today at work over this. i remember kates and my dads clear as a bell. but not my mums

 

[k75]

it hit me today that i can no longer remember the sound of my mums voice. cried my heart out today at work over this. i remember kates and my dads clear as a bell. but not my mums

I'm so sorry. It's devastating. It happened to me with my grandpa. I'd give anything to hear him again.

I lost my grandma a few years ago, who was one of the most important people in my life. Luckily there was a voicemail that never got deleted from her and I was able to preserve her. It's such a nice voicemail too. She told me she loves me and that she was in a place with so many pretty flowers and everything was beautiful, and listening to it now it's like she's describing heaven. I don't really believe there's anything after we die, but it's still a really nice thought. I want her to be in a good pretty place like she was describing.

 

[Morphinekiss]

2 glorious weeks without a migraine then yesterday a seizure and now the never ending migraine has returned. Why can't I sleep?

 

[Midnight]

Fuck whatever i thought is so important to do before i die. Just please please let me die tonight. Just fucking let me go without causing my family the hardship of my death by suicide. Just please let me die in my sleep now. I can't anymore

 

[ReverendGreen]

Fuck me I'm wasting so much fucking money on shit I never do or use.
I need to cancel everything and only spend my money on drugs that I know will make me feel good.

 

[Morphinekiss]

He looks old for the first time in his life. His real age is in his eyes finally. I wonder what our life would have been like had we gotten married, if he'd still be the man child he's parading around. Also, he named his boat after what we had picked as our first dance and I hate seeing pictures of him on that fucking boat. Maybe I'll set it on fire before I ctb one day.

 

[spanishguy22]

Fuck me I'm wasting so much fucking money on shit I never do or use.
I need to cancel everything and only spend my money on drugs that I know will make me feel good.

This is exactly what I just started applying to myself

Benzos make me chill brah... here in bed not as anxious of my shitty life circumstances and imagining how nice itd be to die rn
gotta try some opiates and xanax tho

 

[mattwitt]

Melatonin time : )

 

[Fadinglife]

Today i finished writing my will and my letter to the executor of my estate. as of today i am now 2 months until my CTB deadline. and thus far nothing seems to me moving me off track.

This week i'm speaking to a lady to try and re-home my cat and then i start to get rid of possessions. i also have a work Councillor meeting tomorrow. where i am going to tell them that after my holiday, i do not plan on returning to work. (in truth in the middle of my holidays i plan on telling work i quit and then i can CBT without issues).

i have a skip bin setup to arrived on Friday so can start loading up all stuff i want to get rid off.

All personal items that i want to keep have been put together and organized and this week get put into a long term safety deposit box that includes kates suicide note. my parents wedding rings. video tapes o my parents playing music + videos of me playing music + alot of other personal stuff.

Seeming so final now. but i'm at peace with it all.

In may friend ctb'd. He too told in his office that is going on leave although for an operation. This just reminded me of him

 

[blanketyblk]

Today i finished writing my will and my letter to the executor of my estate. as of today i am now 2 months until my CTB deadline. and thus far nothing seems to me moving me off track.

This week i'm speaking to a lady to try and re-home my cat and then i start to get rid of possessions. i also have a work Councillor meeting tomorrow. where i am going to tell them that after my holiday, i do not plan on returning to work. (in truth in the middle of my holidays i plan on telling work i quit and then i can CBT without issues).

i have a skip bin setup to arrived on Friday so can start loading up all stuff i want to get rid off.

All personal items that i want to keep have been put together and organized and this week get put into a long term safety deposit box that includes kates suicide note. my parents wedding rings. video tapes o my parents playing music + videos of me playing music + alot of other personal stuff.

Seeming so final now. but i'm at peace with it all.

So my meeting at working, went in a different direction to what i was planning. they had notices that i am not longer happy there and also notices that I'm carrying around a lot of sadness and that i have been bullied by other staff. they wanted to know if i would be willing to go for more training and move into a leadership role and out of the general research division. if i did. i would be traveling with the options to move overseas to one of their other research branches. they think this might allow me to move on from all the issues I've had. in short they said they don't want to lose me as they consider me a very valuable employee and resource. i will admit this made me feel kind of good. it's the first time I've had something positive said about myself in the real world for quite some time. to know that i'm not a waste of space and a total reject.

So i have a few weeks to think about it. but here i was yesterday chucking in the towel so to speak and the universe might of thrown me a small life line. i don't know what to do. so i'm going to really mull it over. i'm still going to get my stuff for CTB'ing in order. but i might not give up entirely with doing exercise and general maintenance of who i am for the next few months.

I'm so sorry. It's devastating. It happened to me with my grandpa. I'd give anything to hear him again.

I lost my grandma a few years ago, who was one of the most important people in my life. Luckily there was a voicemail that never got deleted from her and I was able to preserve her. It's such a nice voicemail too. She told me she loves me and that she was in a place with so many pretty flowers and everything was beautiful, and listening to it now it's like she's describing heaven. I don't really believe there's anything after we die, but it's still a really nice thought. I want her to be in a good pretty place like she was describing.

thats fantastic voice mail to have.. i do have my muss voice on a tape recorder of when she would do her little saying to me about things. but i'm not strong enough yet to listen to it. but at least i do have it recorded.

 

[JulienSorel]

I don't want to condone violence, but violence plays an integral role in every interaction.

The extent to which one loses their gentility and succumbs to aggressiveness from abuse, is perfectly correlated with the artistic capacities of the person.

You will find the most creative and artistic people are always the least violent, the most empathetic. True goodness is found most among artists, who give their lives trying to capture the beauty through whatever they may experience.

Aggressive, violent, narcissistic types do not care for invoking beauty, nor do they ever look upon anything else besides themselves with respect. That is why when these people come to wealth, which they often do in capitalism, what they acquire is never with any taste nor sophistication. Only a passive aggressive declaration of their superiority relative to others.